Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am writing to you about being rejected in shidduchim. I try hard to present myself well, but I prefer a natural look. I do not wear much makeup, I am not into getting dressed up, and designer clothing does not interest me. I like to dress comfortably and look like myself.

For some reason, shadchanim expect me to get all dolled up for my picture. I keep getting rejected before I even have the chance to meet someone because of my photo. It is so discouraging and painful to feel that something so superficial is standing between me and a chance at a real relationship. Doesn’t anyone want a natural, down-to-earth girl anymore?

Dating Ten Years Plus

Dear Dating Ten Years Plus,

I am so sorry. What you are describing sounds deeply painful, exhausting, and lonely. To keep putting yourself out there year after year, only to feel dismissed before anyone has taken the time to know you, can wear a person down. It makes sense that you would feel frustrated, hurt, and even a little invisible. Being rejected because of a photo can feel especially harsh because it reduces you to a first impression instead of allowing your real self to be seen.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay true to yourself. Your preference for a natural look is not a flaw, and it does not make you less worthy of love or marriage. In fact, there is something very genuine and appealing about a woman who knows who she is and does not feel the need to become someone else in order to be accepted. Your frustration is understandable because you are not asking for anything unreasonable – you are asking to be appreciated for who you are.

I spoke with a highly respected and successful shadchan about your concerns. She acknowledged that today’s shidduch process has become heavily dependent on resumes and photographs. Before someone ever has the opportunity to appreciate your personality, intelligence, values, or sense of humor, they often make an initial decision based on what they see on paper. That can feel unfair, especially when you know how much more there is to you than a picture can show.

Whether we like it or not, your resume and photograph have become marketing tools in the shidduch world. A well-written resume with strong, accessible references and a warm, flattering photograph can sometimes open doors that might otherwise remain closed. That does not mean you are being judged fairly, only that this is the reality many people are facing. It is understandable to feel hurt by that reality.

At the same time, presenting yourself in the best possible light does not mean pretending to be someone you are not. You can absolutely remain true to your natural style while still choosing a photograph that reflects warmth, confidence, and openness. Looking polished is not the same as looking artificial. The goal is not to erase your personality, but to help others see the best version of you at first glance.

It may help to think of it the way people approach a job interview. Candidates usually dress professionally, prepare carefully, and try to make a thoughtful first impression. They are not being fake; they are showing respect for the opportunity. Shidduchim can feel similar. First impressions matter because people are naturally visual, and both men and women often make decisions based on an initial photograph. That reality can be frustrating, but it does not mean your feelings are wrong.

Of course, a picture can never capture your kindness, humor, depth, or character. It can only give someone a first glimpse. Sometimes that glimpse encourages a person to learn more, and sometimes it causes them to move on too quickly. That can feel very unfair, especially when you know how much more there is to you than a photo can show. Still, many people find that a thoughtful resume review and a professional photograph can make a real difference in helping others see them more clearly.

There is an old marketing saying: “You don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.” While that may sound commercial, the underlying idea is that presentation matters. It does not change who you are. It simply helps others notice what you have to offer. In your case, that means finding a way to present your natural beauty and warmth in a way that does not feel false to you.

The same is true beyond photographs. If communication is an area you would like to strengthen, support in that area can be helpful. If you want to feel more confident or engaging, developing interests and hobbies can add richness to your life and give others more to connect with. Personal growth is valuable in its own right, whether or not it immediately leads to a date. And after so much disappointment, it is important to remember that your worth is not measured by how quickly someone responds to your picture.

Most importantly, please do not lose your authenticity. Your natural personality and values are precious. At the same time, it is understandable to feel frustrated when something as small as a photo seems to stand between you and a chance to be known. You deserve to be seen for who you are. Sometimes making a few thoughtful adjustments in how you present yourself can help create that opportunity without asking you to give up your true self. Hatzlacha in this difficult parsha and may Hashem help you find your zivug very soon!