Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

We recently started looking into shidduchim for our oldest daughter. She is 19 years old and she is bright, beautiful, well-liked, and, most importantly, a true ba’alas middos. We are hoping to find her a young man whose values and character complement her own.

A close friend has been strongly encouraging a particular shidduch. The young man comes from a family that was part of another daughter’s high school carpool last year.

The carpool consisted of five girls, with each family driving one day a week. My husband and I own a busy business, so rather than drive ourselves, we hired a car service that picked up each girl from her home and brought everyone home safely on our assigned day.

This family told us they only had room for four girls in their vehicle. Since we were the last family to join the carpool, they simply left our daughter out on their driving day. There was no phone call beforehand, no discussion, and no apology afterward. On those days, my husband had to drive our daughter to school, and I picked her up. Yet every week, we continued transporting their daughter on our assigned day.

The situation left a very sour impression. It wasn’t the inconvenience that bothered me most, though that definitely did not feel great. However, it was the lack of consideration and communication that really upset me.

My friend insists that I am making a mistake by ruling out this shidduch because of what happened in the carpool. She believes the young man is an exceptional person and says I shouldn’t judge a family based on one incident.

To me, however, the carpool revealed something important about the family’s middos and how they treat other people. I also don’t believe this young man is the strongest match for my daughter for other reasons.

Am I wrong to let the family’s behavior influence my decision? Should I separate the boy from his parents, or is it reasonable to view this as meaningful information when considering a future mechutunim relationship?

A Reader

Dear Reader,

You are asking an important question, and I suspect many readers will have strong opinions.

Let’s begin with an important principle: no family is perfect. If we eliminated every shidduch because of one disappointing interaction with a parent or sibling, very few people would ever get married. We all have moments when we fall short.

That said, your concern isn’t really about a carpool. It’s about what the carpool showed you about this family. You describe a family that excluded your daughter without discussing it with you beforehand, accepted your weekly help transporting their daughter, and never acknowledged the inconvenience or apologized. It wasn’t only that they had limited seating, it was the absence of communication, gratitude, and sensitivity that left such a lasting impression. You can often see people’s middos in ordinary moments more than extraordinary ones.

However, there is another side to consider. Parents do not always define their children. Many wonderful young men and women have grown up in imperfect homes and developed exceptional middos of their own. Before dismissing a young man solely because of his family, it is worth asking people who know him well. Is he considerate? Is he thoughtful? Does he demonstrate the qualities you hope to see in a son-in-law? Sometimes children become very much like their parents, and sometimes they become very different.

You also mention something significant almost in passing: you don’t believe this young man is the right match for your daughter independent of the carpool incident. That changes the conversation considerably. If your instincts, after gathering appropriate information, tell you he is not the best fit, you do not need to manufacture another reason to say no. Not every nice boy is the right boy for every girl.

At the same time, I would encourage you to be careful about turning one negative experience into a permanent verdict about an entire family. Use it as one piece of information, not the whole picture.

The purpose of dating is not to prove someone worthy or unworthy. It is to determine whether two people, along with the families they will inevitably interact with, are likely to build a healthy future together.

Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it is no. And sometimes your intuition, combined with thoughtful investigation, is enough.

I wish you much hatzlacha as you embark on this exciting stage of life. May your daughter find her bashert in the right time and with much simcha.