July 24, 2026 Categories: Featured / Marriage and Relationships
Dear Dr. Yael
Dear Dr. Yael,
My daughter dreads going to school because there is a bully in her class. She is tall and thin, quiet by nature, and an excellent student. She is respectful, well-liked by her teachers, and chooses not to engage in some of the more chutzpadik (disrespectful) behaviors that other girls do. Because of this, the bully mocks her and calls her a “goody two-shoes.”
My daughter is not the only child being targeted, but the situation feels especially painful for her. Unfortunately, the bully’s parents are affluent and significant contributors to the yeshiva, and it seems that the administration is reluctant to remove the child from the class or address the issue directly.
I am deeply concerned about my daughter’s emotional well-being and her growing hatred of school. Please give me ideas on how to handle this situation.
A Worried Mother
Dear Worried Mother, Your heartache comes through clearly in your letter. Watching a gentle and sweet child suffer because of her goodness is one of the hardest tests of parenting. Your daughter’s qualities are blessings, but in certain social environments, they can unfortunately make a child stand out in a painful manner. Your daughter sounds wonderful, but the adults in her school are not protecting her the way they should. Sadly, it is difficult to fix a system. It is probably smarter to try to strengthen your daughter. Your daughter must know that her quiet strength is admirable, even if it is made fun of in school. It is imperative that you validate your daughter’s pain and let her know that you are here for her. You can say something like, “It hurts to be teased for doing the right thing. Being kind and respectful is not a weakness.” It is also important to help your daughter realize that the girl who is bullying her is likely insecure. Help your daughter understand that this girl is not better than her; rather, she likely has low self-esteem and needs to hurt others to feel better. It would also be a good idea to teach your daughter how to assertively respond to the bully. Many times we teach children to ignore when others are bothering them, but this can leave your daughter to feel helpless. Sometimes one calm sentence delivered with eye contact can shift a dynamic. Practice with your daughter how to be assertive. Perhaps she can say something like, “I’m sorry that you’re uncomfortable with my behavior, but I’m fine with the way I am.” Have your daughter help you come up with a good, short statement, so that she can be ready to respond to the bully. Trust your daughter if she feels that any of the statements you come up with are not appropriate and help her come up with something that she feels could work. It would also be a good idea to request a formal meeting with the school and to approach the administration calmly, but firmly. Explain to them that this is happening in the classroom to many children, and that it is a school climate concern, not a specific complaint. You may also want to document everything your daughter is telling you so that you have a written record of incidents with dates, names, and specific words used. You can even ask your daughter if anyone else was around who can corroborate what has been going on. At this meeting, it is also important to ask what steps will be taken to supervise the interactions that are happening and to ask about how the school’s anti-bullying policy is enforced. Hopefully your daughter will be able to learn how to stand up for herself and the school will start to take some action. However, if you feel that your daughter is being destroyed by the bullying and nothing ends up changing, it may be smart to see if another class would be more appropriate for your daughter. Of course, changing classes isn’t ideal, but it could be a new start for your daughter and may be necessary if the above ideas are not helpful. Children like your daughter often flourish later in life. The very traits that make her vulnerable now are the traits that build strong adults and meaningful relationships. Please try to intervene before the bullying gets worse as you do not want her to have any lasting effects from this. With your advocacy and support, your daughter will feel that she is worth defending. Keep building your daughter’s self-esteem and do not underestimate the power that you have to help her feel important and loved. If you feel that this has affected your daughter’s self-esteem, please seek some professional help, so she can build herself back up. The earlier you intervene, the better the outcome. Hatzlacha with this very difficult situation.
