Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I would like to discuss the very silent shidduch crisis amongst older singles especially women that no one is speaking about.

I am a divorced male in my 50s who is looking to get remarried. I am educated and I have a good job. I only have one child living with me at the moment who is about to start shidduchim, with the other children already out of the house.

I also learned in great yeshivas and I am considered as someone who knows how to learn well by my friends. Yet, I am finding that many women are refusing to date me, especially those that have not been married before. Nonetheless it only takes one and I am optimistic that, iy”H, I will find my zivug soon.

The question is, why am I being rejected so often? I do not take rejections personally at all anymore, but I feel it paints a broader picture of what’s going on in the singles world today.

I think that many older singles feel that they have waited so long that unless somebody matches almost every single item on the very extensive checklist they have constructed, they will be settling, and they could have settled for somebody (maybe someone even better) many years previously. So why should they settle today?

This reminds me of a well-known concept in economics called the sunk-cost fallacy. This concept simply means that any investment decision should be made based on weighing up future costs, benefits and risks and not based on what has already been invested in the past, which is not salvageable and frankly needs to be ignored.

I have also seen unfortunately mentors advising women in their 40s not to date anybody more than four or five years older than themselves even though I have heard that the Steipler, zt”l, said that a shidduch should be considered up to 12 years older than the woman without any hesitation. I have also heard that in the non-frum world it is not unusual for a woman in her 30s to marry somebody more than 20 years older than herself, although that is not what I am personally looking for.

I do understand and empathize with singles who do not wish to go out unless they think that the suggestion makes sense as it is extremely frustrating to meet somebody that is totally incompatible at all right from the outset of the first date. Nonetheless, I humbly think that a change in mindset is necessary amongst many older singles, especially women. They need to be more open to dating people who are potential matches, but do not tick every box on their list of requirements. Having long lists of criteria and fantasizing about who or what a potential match should be is not likely to result in many marriages occurring. Anyone who has been married will tell you that there are certain things that are deal-breakers, such as marrying somebody who is extremely rigid or self-centered or cold and uncaring, but many of the things that he/she had wished for or fantasized about before their marriage really aren't that important in the big scheme of things.

I have also heard from a well-known shadchanit that although men in their 20s have long lists of women that they can date and seem to be extremely picky (or is it their parents?), when dealing with older singles, it is the women who are far more reluctant to actually date than men. These women are simply oblivious to reality and the laws of supply and demand, as women in their 40s and above vastly outnumber men.

For what it is worth, older singles need to be more open-minded and more willing to go on dates. And going on a date requires not just a physical appearance at a date, but also a mindset that that date needs to be taken seriously and not just done to be yotze-zayn. I do wish that rabbanim would be prepared to speak about the issue of older singles more and address this over-fussiness of women, but thus far I have not heard anything about this topic and believe they are afraid of getting reputations of wrongly being labelled as misogynistic.

I hope that anyone reading this letter will not be offended by what I have stated. If you are, please be mochel me and understand why this letter has been written.

Hoping that this crisis can somehow be resolved.

A slightly frustrated but highly optimistic single male

Dear slightly frustrated but highly optimistic single male,

Thank you for your letter. Making shidduchim has always been hard and is compared to Kriyas Yam Suf, as it is always a miracle when a match is made. It is hard to generalize that women “are the issue,” and the truth is that no one is the issue, this is all part of Hashem’s grand plan. You are correct that everyone needs to keep trying and be present at the dates they agree to.

Hatzlacha in this difficult time period and, iy”H, you will find your zivug very soon!