Dear Dr. Yael,
My husband and I recently moved out of town, and although we’ve built a healthy and happy home, my own family of origin remains very dysfunctional. My parents fight constantly, my siblings struggle emotionally and are not married, and the atmosphere in their home is very tense.
Every time we visit, my children become upset and uncomfortable. My husband told me that he does not want to go there for Chanukah, and in truth, I understand why, but I still feel guilty. I don’t want to disrespect my parents, yet I also want to protect my children from the chaos.
How do I balance honoring my family with safeguarding my own home and marriage?
What should I do about visiting my family for Chanukah?
Conflicted Daughter
Dear Conflicted Daughter,
Your question reflects how painful and complicated family dynamics can be, especially when you’re trying to protect your children and your husband while still honoring your parents. You are not alone. Unfortunately, many people are struggling now with similar dilemmas when their families of origin are chaotic, critical, or emotionally unsafe.
You describe a home where your parents fight constantly, your siblings struggle emotionally, and your children become upset when they visit. Your husband doesn’t want to expose the family to that environment, and from your description, his hesitation is understandable. When a home is filled with tension, shouting, or instability, children absorb that energy, even when they are not the direct target.
As parents, your first responsibility is to create emotional safety for your children. This may mean limiting visits to environments that are consistently stressful or damaging. You can honor your parents without sacrificing your husband and children’s well-being. Honoring your parents does not mean putting your family in the middle of dysfunction.
It can mean calling regularly, sending Chanukah gifts, or scheduling shorter, more controlled visits at neutral locations. Even if your parents want you to visit, it is okay to say, “Chanukah is difficult for us to come because the atmosphere is too stressful for the kids.” If this is not doable, perhaps you can visit your parents while your husband stays home and watches the kids. Is that a possibility? Or maybe you can all go to your hometown and stay somewhere else and then you can visit with your family for an hour or so? Is there a way to try to honor your parents without exposing your husband and children to this chaos? If not, can you go with your husband and children for a short time and leave if the environment becomes unsafe in any way? Perhaps you can even meet in a restaurant so it’s a more neutral place and you can leave easily if needed.
It is also very important that your husband feels heard and respected. Couples from different family backgrounds often have to navigate these decisions carefully, and it can strengthen your marriage when you choose shalom (peace) together. Can you also create your own Chanukah memories at home? Your children deserve calm and happy memories and you can build a new home that is not defined with what you grew up with.
It is common for children of dysfunctional families to feel responsible for keeping the peace. But you are not that child anymore, you are a mother now. You get to choose sanity and stability for your own family. I cannot advise you on whether you should go to your parents or not (perhaps you can consult with a Rav that you trust and hold by), but regardless of what you decide to do, it is important to maintain clear boundaries and to make sure that you protect your children as best as you can. You are trying to break generational patterns, and that takes a lot of hard work and courage. Your children will one day thank you for choosing calm and kindness over chaos.
Hatzlacha with this dilemma and with balancing kibud av v’em (honoring your father and mother), honoring your husband, and protecting your children. I hope some of these ideas are helpful and that you can figure out the best way to enjoy Chanukah this year! A freilichin Chanukah!