August 14, 2026 Categories: Featured / Marriage and Relationships
Age Old
Dear Dating Coach,
I am a brand-new accidental dater. I met an amazing guy at a Shabbos meal when I was in seminary and even though we were both planning to go through the shidduch system eventually, we found ourselves dating. Everything feels right and our parents know and are cautiously fine with this “development.” The only issue is that while I am young, so is he. He probably would not have started dating for at least two more years, and his life reflects where he is currently holding. He is in yeshiva. He has not given any thought to the future or what that looks like for him. He is serious about me and wants to marry me, but we need to wait until he finishes this year, at the very least. Do you think I am making a mistake with someone so young who doesn’t have his life mapped out at all?
Sem meet Yeshiva
Dear Sem,
I have a friend who loves puzzles. She has a special puzzle board. She chooses her puzzles with great care and they always have at least a million pieces. She turns on music and feels herself relax as she carefully places one tiny puzzle piece at a time. Sometimes the puzzle can take weeks or months to finish with jagged edges and unfinished pictures just waiting for their completed story. But with time and patience, she nears the end of every puzzle. Yet, with toddlers, vacuum cleaners, or Mattel to blame, she is often missing one tiny piece, leaving her carefully created masterpiece unfinished.
I Love You to Pieces
Thank you for your letter. To your credit, you were not planning for this to happen. But you truly believe that this is something real and right and you have made a commitment to each other. You worry about his age and his ability to carry the weight and responsibility that we often grow into. You don’t want to make a mistake for your “forever” with a “right now” that may not be ready for marriage. Yet, you are not ready to walk away from someone who seems to be everything you need.Your question requires a third party. This cannot be your parents or his. You need an objective person who can wisely assess your relationship with clarity. This can be a rav, rebbetzin, or a non-immediate family member. You are emotionally involved. Your heart is engaged and so your ability to make a clear-thinking decision is compromised. You both need to involve someone who can guide you, offer you advice or “see the future” for you. This will allow you to trust what you are building and will offer you the faith you need to continue to grow together. Let someone who is impartial and experienced gauge the health and potential longevity of your relationship and then open your heart and mind to their feedback and recommendations.
Finally, know that only Hashem knows the future. Only He has that final puzzle piece, and we can only do our best to make the right decision with the information that we have now. So, open your circle as you build this puzzle, so you can do your best to create a beautiful picture, and then daven that you will have all the pieces that you need.
