July 17, 2026 Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
Dating By the Ruler
(The Jewish Press)
Dear Dating Coach,
I am tall. I am a bit sensitive about my height and really want to marry someone taller than me. It’s so important to me that I have basically been dating according to height. As soon as I heard that someone was under my preferred height, I would not even look into them. But now, I am two years into dating, and I was trying to be flexible. So, I agreed to go out with someone who is the same height as me. Now I have a dilemma. We have been dating for a few weeks and I really like him. He is wonderful. Except I wish he was just an inch taller. Just an inch! I am feeling stuck on this and every time we move a step closer in our connection, I circle back to his height and wish for that extra inch. I know logically that I should let it go, but I really wanted someone taller than me! Please help me.
The Heights
Dear Heights, From childhood we learn gender norms that we live by, and so many make perfect sense. Then, unfortunately, we attach value to those norms and everything becomes complicated. A husband in kollel is good, but an avreich with a wealthy father-in-law is better. A father with a job is good, but a father with a job that makes a lot of money is better. A mother with a baby is good, but a mother with beautiful children is better. A child who goes to school is good, but a student at a top-tier yeshiva is better. We are taught this, and so we believe it. And this is OK, except, well…when things don’t turn out the way we planned.I Tried to Make a Joke About my Height…
I hear you, and you are right. You are tall and you had one requirement. Height! (OK, maybe not one requirement, but height mattered a lot.) You did your best to date height-appropriate guys but none of them felt like a match. So, you created a slight exception and agreed to date someone who was the same height as you and you clicked! You have connected and everything feels so right about him, except for that little voice in your head that reminds you of your equality. Sure, he is not shorter than you, but you wanted someone taller. One more inch. That doesn’t seem so much to ask for. Except, it’s impossible. You want to make this work, but you can’t seem to get past the fact that he is not taller than you like you had hoped.But It Went Right Over Their Heads.
I say let’s focus on that inch instead. Think about moving on, and give yourself the reason. You did not get married to someone you might love because of an inch. You did not have children with the person who is right for you because of an inch. You did not create a happy successful home because of an inch. You did not commit because of an inch. He will never be taller, but the inch might become less powerful in the bond you have clearly created. When we conjure our future spouse, we must always focus on our connection, chemistry, and shared values. Then we add background, hashkafa, ambition, and understanding. You are allowed to want someone taller than you. But here you have been handed a lovely gift curated perfectly for you with the wrapping slightly different than you had hoped. Keep the gift. It’s perfect for you.
