Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
Slow-Motion
A response to the article “Don’t Get Burned”
Dear Dating Coach, It was terrible advice to tell that person the connection was toast when the man wouldn’t commit after six months. Everyone moves at a different speed, and some relationships take years or decades to blossom. If anything, it sounds like the woman is being impatient. That’s not a lot of time to get to know someone. You should commend the man for at least being honest and wanting to take things slow. This is rare! Instead, you told her to move on. I don’t agree!J
Dear J, Full disclosure. We tasted five different types of cheesecakes on Shavous. Yes, I am aware that this is excessive. But cheesecake-life takes commitment, and we were all over it. After careful review (a bite of each) and a twenty-point checklist (no, of course we didn’t have a checklist, eating five cheesecakes is crazy enough), we chose one winner. It was perfectly right. A match made in cheesecake heaven. (Could this be a thing?!) We put the other cheesecakes away and got ready to dig in. But then we started to waffle (I know! Perfect addition to this food metaphor!), and we started to second-guess our choice. Maybe the texture was off? Maybe the toppings could be smoother? Did the size seem too big? Did the cheesecake lean toward the right? The left? The taste was suddenly less-than-perfect, and the decision seemed impossible to make. Maybe we don’t even like cheesecake?! And so, we walked away, from perfection, dissatisfied and just a bit hungry.If You Are Not Moving Forward…
J, you clearly did not agree with my response to the lovely girl who had already been dating someone for six months without a commitment. The guy she was dating was still unsure after six months if he could picture a life with her and was not ready to discuss commitment and certainly not marriage. I told her to walk away. In your response, you write, “relationships take years or decades to blossom.” Decades?! Certainly, you can’t expect a woman to wait ten years or more for the man she is dating to propose marriage? Perhaps, you have a happy medium between six months and decades? Or do you just believe that feelings take time, and we cannot quantify them with pesky time-limits?You Are Moving Backward
I respectfully continue to disagree. Six months is definitely enough time for a man and a woman to decide if at the very least, they want to commit to one another. It is certainly enough time to see if they are compatible, if their personalities align, if they have the same life goals and values, and if they have chemistry. It is surely enough time to see if they have the same beliefs, the same commitment to a Torah home, and the same views on children and lifestyle. Six months is enough time to know if a relationship feels right. Then a real commitment allows you to take full ownership of your relationship as you prepare to face the highs and lows that life may bring. Without a commitment after six months or more, we begin to notice issues that may have no bearing on a successful marriage. We have no need to try to work things through, and we have no long-term vows that encourage us to see the good or a positive future. So instead, we begin to notice imperfections. She chews funny (manners matter!), she spends a lot of time with her sisters (will she have time for me?!), she has no interest in history. (I love history!) We start to take note of little things that become big things when they would be easily resolved between a committed couple. So not only does dating longer than six months mean that he doesn’t want to marry you, but it also means that you have officially entered a no-man’s land of potential “deal-breakers” that would never hinder the wonderful marriage you could have created. Instead, make a commitment to the beautiful gift you have received, and walk away satisfied and blessed.
