Dear Dating Coach,
I am a Bais Yaakov-type girl dating a really good guy. He is smart, a good learner, and his dreams seem to match mine. We both want a home filled with learning and Torah. We have already discussed the future and marriage, and while I want to get engaged, I have something that is bothering me. He is an amazing guy, but his parents have a simple home, and they are not into or able to be “splashy.” But all of my friends have had these very special proposals with arches, lights, and flowers and a beautiful presentation. I don’t need him to go crazy, but I really want this type of proposal even though no one in his family has ever done this. He has four older married brothers and they just don’t believe in any of this. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime moment, and I want it to feel that way. Am I wrong for pushing for this?
Some Splash
Dear Splash,
I admire (fear) math teachers. They fascinate me with their beautiful (boring!) fondness for math. They LOVE math. They discuss numbers and variables with passion. They debate algebra versus geometry (none?) and they get stuck admiring calculators in Target. When you ask a math teacher why they like math so much, they will tell you because it makes sense. The numbers always line up; with every equation proving its way toward a sum. Math is cool and everything (not cool!) but what I like is that there is always a higher number. You can just keep going – to quote Buzz: “To infinity and beyond!”
Will You
Thank you for your letter. Mazel tov on being so close to an engagement and on finding the right person for you. You are a good person. I can tell. You want to build a home with this special someone filled with Torah, and you share a hashkafa that offers you a guideline to do that. You understand that this is a specific lifestyle and it can come with sacrifice, but you believe in it, and are happy to work toward creating this life. You just want a fancy proposal (that you can take photos of or film) and share with your family and friends. This doesn’t need to involve a rental company (1-800-proposalshtick?), but it does need to feel like some thought and work were put into it. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
Marry me?
I know you are coming from a good place. I know that you just want what your friends got. It’s not your fault that you live in an Instagram world filled with photo ops instead of memories. And I want you to have a special proposal. I really do. Just not the one you are picturing. I want your future chosson to make you feel adored and wanted. I want him to share his feelings with you and I want you to be truly connected in that moment. I want you to remember it forever. That doesn’t require a stage setup. It doesn’t need hundreds of roses to die and their ashes (petals) carpeted across a tastefully created backdrop, or the beach, or some woodland setting with twinkly lights. It just needs you and him and sincerity and care. Sure, he can bring you flowers and ask you in a beautiful setting, but this is a proposal, not a production. It just needs two people who want to be together. It doesn’t require a photographer or its own hashtag. It doesn’t need to be your bubbie’s WhatsApp status and it doesn’t matter what your friends think. A life looking outward will only remind you that there is always a higher number out there, a fancier proposal, a bigger house, faster car, a “better” life. Instead, remember – you are WINNING here. You have been blessed with love and a chance at a lifetime of happiness. Refocus on truth and what really matters. Look inward. This is the secret to a happy engagement and a happier marriage.