Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating for a long time. I met someone six months ago through a friend and we have been dating consistently since. After three months, I felt like he was the right one. He explained then that he needed time, that he has been burned in the past, and we had to go slow. I agreed. Then a month ago, I brought up the future again, and he still couldn’t give me a concrete answer. It’s always, “I love spending time with you, I love where this is going… I’m not there yet.” Now, it has been six months and he is still not ready. He keeps telling me I am rushing him, and he is not ready to commit fully yet. I feel frustrated and confused. We have spent so much time together and at this point I don’t think there is more to learn before we get married. I really want this to work, but I am starting to worry that he will never “get there.” What do you think?
Dating Marathon
Dear Marathon,
I really like toast. I love that toast has made a comeback in recent years with the trendy and versatile avocado, but still, its potential is sadly often overlooked. Of course, being associated with sick days or as a gastro fix hasn’t really helped to propel toast to its full greatness. Its only issue, as far as I can tell, is its propensity to burn. I mean, what is that magic toasty number? First, it’s too blond, so you give it another ten seconds and before you know it, you have a hockey puck smoking up your kitchen. You need to pull that sourdough the second that crunch hits, or you’ll be serving blackened bread for lunch. For now, I am a toast-burner, pushing that toast-envelope just one heat-wave too far.
My Cooking is Fabulous…
I’m so glad you reached out. You are doing your best to date smart. You were introduced to a good guy and you made a connection. As a seasoned dater, you don’t feel pigeon-holed by date numbers, but you are aware of the passage of time. You don’t want to push him, but you feel like he should be able to envision marriage at this point. Yet, he keeps you off-center by insisting that he just needs more time, and that you are making him uncomfortable with your need for a full commitment. Isn’t it enough that he “loves spending time with you”? You can’t rush feelings and he is just not there yet.
Even the Smoke Alarm Cheers Me On
I sympathize with you and the position you find yourself in. You have made a long-term investment and you can clearly see a marriage and a future. You put in time and effort and forged an emotional connection. Unfortunately, he might have been right there alongside you, but he has not arrived at the same place. He doesn’t want to make a commitment to you. He doesn’t want to see this through. He doesn’t want to marry you. I am sure he loves spending time with you. I am sure he likes you very much. But that’s where it ends. If someone is not ready to even make a commitment to you after six months, he does not want to make a commitment to you at all. It’s time to move on.
Of course, it is true that all daters move at different paces and we don’t all feel the same way at the same time. But after this amount of time, there should be a clear direction, and a clear future. Making you feel badly for wanting something real at this point in time is not OK. This is not a man who wants to marry you. This is someone who is using you. So, take a deep breath, stand tall, as you did nothing wrong, and end this relationship. It’s time to find someone who will appreciate you and commit to you. This connection is toast.