++dating/Halberstam
Dear Dating Coach,
I am burned out! I cannot go on one more date. Just the thought of sitting across from another guy in another place makes me want to scream! I know I need to keep dating so I can get married, but I never imagined that it would take this long or be this hard. What do I do?
Time Out
Dear Out,
Shidduch burnout is real – and it’s not just “I’m tired of dating.” It’s when the whole process starts draining your hope, energy, and sense of self.
There are definitely signs that you have shidduch burnout:
You dread dates, even with perfectly nice people. You feel numb – like you’re going through the motions instead of feeling excited or curious to meet new people. You are constantly overthinking every detail and replaying everything afterward. You feel resentful toward shadchanim, friends, or even married people. You feel anxious before dates. You feel physically sick. You feel like you are constantly performing. You start believing something is wrong with you or that you will never meet the right person. You become overwhelmed and emotional from even the smallest dating disappointment. You stop enjoying your day-to-day because dating stress weighs heavily on your shoulders. You become picky in a defensive way; rejecting people quickly just to feel control.
If any or all of these resonate with you, you have shidduch burnout. This does not mean you lack emunah. It just means you are tired. This is not uncommon and many long-term daters experience this in some way.
What can you do?
Validate: Allow yourself to feel disappointed that dating has not gone as you had hoped. Forcing positivity and enthusiasm doesn’t work. Take the time to “feel” and you might notice that your willingness to self-validate allows some of that sadness to dissipate.
Pause: Take a break when you need one. Take two weeks to breathe and “turn off” shidduchim so that you can regroup. Make this a true “pause” without dating, talking about dating, or pursuing your next date. Your nervous system will thank you.
Circle: Tighten your circle. Well-meaning advice from too many people can become exhausting and confusing. Limit your circle to one or two people who can offer you clear and objective guidance. This will lessen the “noise” around your dates.
Breathe: Stop making every date feel like a life decision. Try shifting your mindset to: “Do I enjoy being around this person?” instead of “Is this my bashert?” When you put so much pressure on every date, it robs you of the joy and fun that dating can offer. Instead focus on connecting right now and allow yourself to be fully present on your dates.
Diversify: Remember that you are a whole person, not just a dater. Focus on your work, go out with friends, volunteer, or sign up for a new class. Don’t allow dating to shrink your world. Instead fill your time with diverse activities and interests that allow for self-growth.
Dating can be hard. Don’t opt out; instead, take the time to explore how you are feeling and allow yourself to recalibrate and reclaim your dating process so that you can find the right person for you in the right state of mind.