June 26, 2026 Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
Lost in the Details
(The Jewish Press)
Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating someone pretty seriously. With Pesach coming up, we casually described our individual experiences with this Yom Tov and they were completely different. (Think hotel with every Pesach product allowed vs. meat and potatoes. Think fancy wines and tea rooms vs. no water allowed on the table. Think super relaxed vs. super strict.) At first, we laughed at how different we grew up, but then we both felt a bit worried about what that might look like for us going forward. How could we possibly be comfortable staying with each other over Yom Tov? Maybe this is a symptom of all the other ways we were obviously raised differently? Maybe we are not as compatible as we think? It feels like we are at a crossroads. Any advice?
Hashkafa Hechsher
Dear Hechsher, Everyone has that iconic Pesach dish that defines Pesach for them. For my husband, growing up, it was Orange Chicken, a mysterious recipe involving oranges and, well, chicken. I know! For me, it was hands-down my grandmother’s tzimmes, a steaming pot of sweet carrots that we greedily ate like candy. Today, many years later (it’s rude to ask how many!), our Pesach obsession is definitely my mother’s famous (to us!) blondies. She makes trays and trays and we consume countless amounts until we swear that we won’t eat any more. And we don’t. Until the next tray comes out…Tradition! Tradition!
Thank you for your letter. You felt perfectly compatible until you brought up your individual Pesach experiences. Suddenly everything felt different. Perhaps this is merely a symptom of all the ways your lives have differed and maybe you are not as good of a match as you previously thought. His Yom Tov memories are packed with programming and 24-hour buffets and yours are filled with potato peelers and lettuce inspections. You want to feel comfortable with each other and this doesn’t feel easy at all. It’s true. You celebrated your Yom Tov to two different tunes. The same “song” perhaps, with Sedarim and afikomon searches and family, but with varied backdrops. The incredible part of marrying someone and becoming a new entity, however, is the ability to build on the foundation your parents have given you, but with your own flavor and your own choices. Together, as a couple, you will have the gift of deciding what Pesach should look like to you. Perhaps sharing half and half, or choosing one over the other, or perhaps starting something new with an amalgamation of both of your experiences. This is not something that you need to move apart from. Instead, this is something that can make you even closer. You can start your own chapter that feels right to both of you, with your own perfect recipe.
