Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
Are You There, Date?
Dear Dating Coach,
I recently went out with a great girl, but after a few dates, she didn’t want to go out with me again. The feedback was that she felt like I wasn’t fully invested or present on the dates. I’m not sure what this means. I thought we were having a good time. Sure, there were some moments of distraction, and I had to check my phone a few times, but I think we had pretty good conversations. I told her a lot about myself and shared my interests. But I clearly gave her a disinterested vibe, because she didn’t want to continue dating me. I don’t want this to happen again. Any suggestions?
All In
Dear All, This is a public service announcement to all parents of teenagers. They like AirPods. Like, a lot. They wear them in cars, at home, and when crossing busy streets. No, they are not taking high-stakes calls, nor are they emergency operators, or music studio executives. They just like listening to music at an alarmingly high volume. All. The. Time. And they cannot hear you when you call them. Not if you whisper. Not if you talk at a typical volume. Not if you yell. This can be unnerving, and you may find yourself using hand gestures and interpretive dance moves to get their attention. This is normal. Remember to stop screaming when they remove their AirPods. Oh, and drink tea. You’re welcome. Hello? Hello? Hello? Thank you for your question. You felt like your dates were going really well, and she felt like she never had all of you on your dates. You were sure that there was some sort of connection, and it was fun to spend time with her, so why would she say you were not fully present? To your credit, you are open to growth and change. You are willing to work on yourself so that the next girl you date doesn’t feel like she has to fight for your attention. There are definitely things you can do to show your date that you are glad to be with her and fully present.Eye Love You:
Make eye contact. This feels so simplistic, but I have noticed that in the fast-paced world we live in, we are often looking beyond or around the person we are talking to. Eye contact shows your date that you are listening, that you are eager to hear what she has to say, and that you are not distracted by anything around you. It tells her that she is the most important person in the room. This will make her feel like you are glad to be with her and are interested in what she has to say.Sharing is Caring:
It is great to share your interests, funny experiences you’ve had, or your opinions on something. But a conversation is a two-way street. Make sure that you are not monopolizing the time with a soliloquy of your life. Share and then listen. Listen and then share. Ask follow-up questions and don’t just wait for her to finish talking so you can share some anecdote. Let the conversation develop with depth and authenticity. This requires your full attention. This will tell your date that you care about her likes and interests and that you really want to get to know her. Dating is not just about showcasing your best self; it’s about allowing both daters to see if their connection will make them better together.Silent Mode:
Unless you are expecting an extremely important call (Publishers Clearing House is trying to reach you, your IPO is going public/you’re launching an IPO, your sister is in labor), your phone should not be visible on your date. We live in a world where our phones are merely an extension of our palms, but for your date, you must remove the glue and put it away. Checking your phone “just because” is not OK. It tells your date that you are not fully focused on her. It also acts as a distraction for you and doesn’t allow you to fully engage. Put the phone away. Let yourself be in the date. Totally and completely. The world will keep spinning. So, when you go out again, remember that eye contact is key, dating is not a monologue, and your screen doesn’t make her feel seen. Once you allow yourself to be fully present on your date, you will both be able to see if you can make a real and lasting connection. You’ve got this.
