Dear Dating Coach,
Last week I met someone who seemed great at a Chanukah event. We ended up spending most of the night together and shared numbers before we went home. He said that he would call to set up a proper date, but I didn’t hear from him for a few days. A friend of mine encouraged me to call him. He seemed noncommittal but reiterated that we needed to set up a time to go out. He assured me he would get back to me. I waited another couple of days and when I didn’t hear from him, I called him but he didn’t pick up. Since then, I have called a few times and texted as well, but he did not respond. My friend thinks this means he is not interested, but I really think he is. Should I wait a few more days and reach out again?
Positive Thinker
Dear Positive,
In our home we are not fussy. Plain donuts, homemade donuts, creative donuts, and donuts gilded in gold. We will try your meat donut, your dairy donut, and your plain old jelly donut. We will taste donuts from far off magical places like Dubai and Lakewood, and anywhere in between. We like powdered sugar, cream, icing, and will try peanut butter if you “lotus.” We know that there is a great mesorah from someone’s Bubby that promises us that calories DO-NUT count on Chanukah. So, we feast to honor this great tradition. Who are we to break the chain?! Suddenly pants and skirts are too tight, but we blame the laundry and keep on eating. Because Do or Donut, there is no try.
Oh, Donut Even.
Thank you for your letter. You did so well. You went to an event where you knew you might meet someone and did. You put forth effort and made a connection. This is impressive and not easy. You felt like you might connect further and agreed to speak after the party. You waited and then reached out because people get busy and you understand that. But then the communication tapered off and your friend believes that this means it’s time for you to move on. You disagree and are happy to pursue this.
He is not going to call. He is not going to reach out. He does not want to go out with you. I’m so sorry.
When a guy is truly interested in you, he will put forth the effort. Sometimes a person who does not have the emotional maturity and mentchlichkeit we expect of them will deflect and redirect so that they don’t need to be honest and transparent. They foolishly believe that it is kinder to lead someone on than to be clear with how they feel. This is completely on him. It has nothing to do with you. You are valuable and deserve to be treated with kindness. Let’s be glad that more time was not wasted, and you can move on with gratitude. Clarity and honesty matter when you are dating (and feasting). Keep your eyes open and your open heart will be protected.