Categories: Featured / Marriage and Relationships
Raise a Flag
Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating someone for a few weeks now and everything is fine, but I just keep thinking there might be “more” that I am missing. I wonder if I should keep looking for someone or something that might be better. We get along well, and he has beautiful qualities that I really appreciate. We believe in and want the same things. There is nothing “bad.” I just have this nagging feeling that there might be an even better option out there that I will not meet if I continue. I would really appreciate your thoughts.
Still Looking
Dear Looking, We love talking about red flags in dating. We label “signs” that may lead to an unsuccessful or unhappy union. We like warning daters about deal breakers and are quick to dismiss dates that exhibit any “red flag” behaviors. We make lists and we dissect and analyze every word choice, every date location, and every gesture. Yes, it is important to date with clarity. We want to keep our eyes open to behaviors that are unhealthy and unstable. We need to be mindful of negative character traits and qualities. Yet we neglect to highlight the equally important green flags that indicate that we are headed toward stability and sanctity. We dismiss foundational and fundamental traits because they lack sparkle and vivacity. We poo poo consistency and steadiness for the possibility of our very own unicorn.Communication
It is a green flag if the person you are dating can communicate with clarity and respect. They listen when you talk and show interest in your opinions and thoughts. They can be honest with you even when it is less than comfortable, and they make you feel safe to share and to be vulnerable. They can celebrate your successes and support you through difficulty. Communication is a gift that will allow your relationship to stay healthy and vibrant.Emotional Maturity
It is a green flag if the person you are dating has emotional maturity. You never have to second guess how they might respond to difficulty and can take responsibility for themselves and their behavior. They are empathic and self-aware and believe in growth and change. They are dependable and consistent and make you feel secure. They show love and allow themselves to feel fully. Dating someone who is emotionally mature offers you a true partner who you can confidently rely on.Shared Values
It is a green flag if you and your date share the same hashkafa, if they hope for the same future, and if they want to work toward the same goals. Dating someone who shares your dreams ensures you will both be on the same path. Creating a life with someone who understands what matters most to you means that you are both committed to the same thing. A spouse who believes in what you believe will lay a reliable foundation for your entire marriage. Green flags do not offer the same shock value as their red counterparts, but they are even more important. We tend to dismiss traits that are not exciting and flashy even when they serve us best long term and fill our lives with real happiness and true love. Look for the green and keep going toward a lifetime of joy.
