August 14, 2026 Categories: In Print / Featured / Marriage and Relationships
Tradition
Dear Dating Coach,
I am the youngest of six and ready to date. My older siblings are all happily married. Our background dictates that we date only a few times in our home with parents nearby. This is how my siblings met their spouses and how I expect to meet mine. I know that people might question this system, but I don’t expect to date any other way. I’m just nervous. I worry that when the times comes, I will feel pressured, or anxious, or nothing at all. I worry that I won’t be able to be myself, to connect, or to make the right decision in the time frame we have. My siblings keep telling me I am being silly. They say I will “just know.” I have no idea what that means. I want to do this right. I would really appreciate some objective advice.
B’Sho Me
Dear Me,
Growing up we lived with fundamental ideas to live by. You could not sit at the corner of the table to eat your dinner, or you might not get married for seven years. A black cat could not cross your path, and you could never walk over someone sitting on the floor, or they would not grow. You had to chew thread if someone sewed a button on your shirt, or your brain would fall out, and if you wore socks to bed, you would forget everything you learned that day (IYKYK). Some of these are rooted in our collective history, and some are just “old wives’ tales” designed by a clever charlatan. Yet, while I may question them, I never let teenage girls sit at the corners of our table and thankfully, I don’t know how to sew, so I can hold onto my brain.
I’m Not Superstitious…
I’m so glad that you reached out. Sometimes we struggle to gather real information from the people we need it from the most. Your siblings have decided that you are being “silly” but that does not negate the questions that you have. Your dating style is different. You accept it. Yet, you worry that you will not be able to accomplish what you need to do in that short amount of time. You wonder how you will know that someone is right for you when you are so limited; with time and the chance to connect.
But I’m a Little Stitious.
While my examples of “traditions” passed down are certainly less than weighty, they (inanely) highlight how everyone carries the lessons and customs from their homes with them. This is how your family dates. This is how your community dates. It has meaning and purpose to you and you don’t want to eschew it. You want to get it right.
Trust the Process
First, you need to believe in the system. You need to have faith in your parents and their research. You need to have confidence in their understanding of you and your wants and needs. You need to be able to depend on the shadchan who makes a suggestion and the care that your family has put into vetting the person that they allow to meet you. They believe that this person is right for you. They are absolutely sure in their decision after hours and hours of careful consideration. That is huge. Trust the process.
Chemistry
Chemistry is a reaction. It doesn’t need time, an adorable meet-cute, or hours spent gazing into someone’s eyes. Chemistry can exist from the moment you meet someone. Lean in to your feelings and trust the chemistry that you feel (or don’t feel). If you have it, it’s magic. Allow yourself to hope for chemistry. While your time might be short, your chemistry coupled with the validity of the process can encourage you to make a heartfelt decision that you can rely on. You’ve got this.
