יום ראשון, ג׳ אלול תשפ״וSunday, August 16, 2026
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Sometimes we want something so much that we negate things that typically matter to us.
Perhaps you can ask directly for more help from your other siblings. Share with them how much you would appreciate their direct help as your one sister does.
I agree that a six-week break so early in your dating process is complicated and perhaps even unrealistic. When your connection is still so tenuous and new, it can be hard to nurture it with six weeks dividing you.
Every situation is different. Also, it is important to try to remember that your children may still love you, even if they don’t come for the holidays. Perhaps they have more difficult children or really need more space for whatever reason.
It is true that if you date your friend’s brother and it doesn’t work, even with care and respect, it is unlikely that your friendship would be unaffected. He is her brother, her family, and as much as she loves you, there is great potential for awkwardness at the very least, and even a ruined friendship.
I tell you this story as a way of giving you chizuk to do what is not simple.
I appreciate your position. I really do. At the same time, the chance (even the small chance) that this could be your happily ever after means that you need to try.
Of course, you both feel torn when faced with their concerns. They are your parents and you are conditioned to agree with them. At the same time, their disagreements are not yours, and are creating painful conflict between a couple that otherwise feels just right.
You will ultimately work less hard if your children and grandchildren are involved. Complimenting them for helping you will also build their self-esteem. Additionally, they will learn how to deal more effectively with their own children if you delegate tasks to your children and demonstrate appreciation.
If you are asking me if being happy is a bad thing, I couldn’t possibly disagree. If you are wondering if I believe in being mindful and present, then the answer is of course, ‘yes.’
For those of you who are dating, I ask you to try not to marry someone with the hope of changing them. A healthy marriage can help someone grow emotionally, spiritually and bolster someone’s self-esteem.
A reputation is something that someone builds over time, so we can trust that this is going to give us a better understanding of their true character and behavior.
I applaud your attitude as you seem to appreciate all the brachos that Hashem gave you as well as treasure all the good years in your marriage. We can all learn from your positive attitude in life.
It is possible that there is something you are missing when it comes to his family, and it is equally probable that whatever has caused their disconnect will assure you of his commitment to an emotional connection and his stability.
I do not know what kind of childhood your husband had, however, if you want to make this marriage work, you must try to focus on his positive qualities instead of his negative issues. I know this is easier said than done.
You need to discuss what your individual financial expectations are. Not only about what you will each be contributing as a couple, but also about what you expect your spouse to offer you in terms of gifts, vacations, and the like.
Sometimes, we need guidance and counsel. Sometimes, we can benefit greatly from advice. Yet, there are times however, when too many voices only cause chaos and pain.
Even when things are going well, we may have bruised feelings when we feel a stronger connection earlier that the person we are dating or feel ready before they do. We are all responsible for our own feelings. We get to decide on the risks we take with them.
Covert narcissists are insecure, they can be passive aggressive and hypersensitive to criticism, but they have no problem being critical in a passive way.
Time to set some boundaries. This has to be done right away before you are all gathered at the Seder table.
Set realistic goals for what needs to be accomplished. It is important to focus on the most important areas such as the kitchen, dining area, and other places that chametz is generally found.
It’s time to slow things down. Nothing has changed. Everything is still going smoothly. You still like each other. You still want to continue dating. The only addition, is that he is ready to discuss your future, and you are not – yet.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this dilemma and drinking has made Purim a challenging Yom Tov for many women. I am not a Rav but I know there are men who do not drink on Purim and keep all the other mitzvos.
Someone is calling you to ask about this person’s character, intelligence, background, and more. They are not asking you to predict the future, to see through your crystal ball, or to decide the fate of the person they are calling you about.
Understanding the cause of why your mother-in-law behaved this way may help you come to terms with it more. Underneath this venom lies a negative person who probably had a very dysfunctional childhood.
The resume is your introduction, a basic understanding of you so that potential daters (and their parents) can surmise if you might be at all compatible. Instead of fighting it, use it as a wonderful tool. This will help you to not go on dates that don’t make sense for you.
In your situation, you sound like a person who wants to do chesed but you are stuck in a situation where you are dealing with a very complicated, needy person.
Go back to the shadchan and ask if they ever use tinfoil pans versus real ones. Investigate their ongoing Shabbos purchases and detect if they have ever purchased take-out or used a plastic tablecloth.
The first thing you’re going to have to do is work on yourself to not be nervous when she comes as this already puts you in a mood where you feel upset and more sensitive.
I don’t think a cup of coffee is cheap. I don’t think a walk in the park is cheap. I don’t think a date that costs zero dollars is cheap. I do think however that your FOCUS on the cost of Java really refers to the lack of FOCUS on you.
It is important to be respectful and assertive. You can respectfully share your wants and feelings while considering your spouse’s wants and feelings as well.
Think of questions that are both light and deeper to get to know your date as organically as possible while still focused on the goal: to see if you are compatible.
It is important to realize that addressing a disrespectful boss requires a careful and strategic approach.
It is frustrating to go out, have a pleasant time and then hear that the other person does not want to see you again. It is even more upsetting, when this happens multiple times with multiple guys.
I believe that I went into therapy with naivete, and that the psychological professionals should offer a type of disclaimer, or warning, before starting with a patient.
Woman are looking for a man. This is more than a gender – it’s character. Women want someone they can rely on, emotionally, physically, and yes, monetarily.
I will share some of my ideas, however, this is no substitute for therapy.
If they are lucky and nothing egregious or ‘red-flaggy’ happens on that first date, they go out again hoping to ease into ‘slight unease’ on their way to ‘dating comfortably.’ This is reality.
It is difficult to set boundaries, but we all have the challenge of where and how to give our maaser money. It is important that you tell your friend you love his chesed and that he is always trying to help others, but that it is hard for you to always feel you have to give to all the causes he is fighting for.
I can’t imagine that you expect that everyone who goes on a date is immediately attracted and excited about the person they meet. I would boldly suggest that many people who go on first dates are less than thrilled about their dates’ first impression.
I am printing your column with an answer in the hope that you will send this letter to your brother-in-law, and it will impact the way he is treating you, his sister, and your marriage.
At the very least, take a few minutes every day to sit quietly, to intentionally relax your muscles and to release the stress and knots that have certainly taken root under your skin.
Imagine the tremendous improved relations that can occur if we truly attempt to open our minds to divergent mindsets.
Today, daters are careful when they determine what characteristics matter to them. I hear a lot of words like, smart, outgoing, ambitious, spontaneous, and educated. These are all good words.
A covert narcissist is sometimes called a vulnerable narcissist and can be emotionally fragile and very sensitive to criticism. Covert narcissists may outwardly show what looks like empathy, but their underlying purpose is to get you to engage with them so they serve their own needs in some way.
It is hard to feel happy, or even content, when our brothers and sisters are hostages and others are fighting for us. But, unless we channel these feelings into davening and chesed – good deeds, they are extremely unhelpful feelings.
The only way to fix this is by changing the game. Instead of two parties, we need three.
Look for things to do to help others. When we give to others we are giving to ourselves as we feel better and more productive.
Let me start by saying that I hope you meet in the middle. It would be wonderful if you were both on the same page in hashkafa and could ride off into the aqueduct, er, sunset.
Your husband, as you report, has been raised in a home where his mother was completely dependent on his father. Thus, his expectation is for you to be the same way on some level.
When something is not working, when something feels unhealthy, or unproductive it’s smart to step away. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves so we can see what hasn’t been right for us.
It started at the young age of 12 when I became associated with one of the leading rabbis of the last 100 years, Rav Avigdor Miller. He was a genius in human relations and I sucked up as much knowledge as I could learn from him.
All drugs carry risks such as grogginess and other side effects. You should consult your healthcare provider before using any medication.
Sit down with your parents, a dating coach, a trusted mentor, or rebbetzin. Tell them how you feel and how you DON’T feel. Be honest and forthcoming without shame.
You should move if you want to move, but you shouldn’t feel pressured by what other people do or by what other people tell you to do.
Compliments are gifts of love, but they only work if they are sincere and are given freely, without coercion.
Sure, I would not be so glib as to deny that our appearance and even size matter in shidduchim. Perhaps there is even a point in being mindful of what we eat regardless of size or weight. Yet, this question impacts you as a whole, your life, and your goals that supersedes dating.
Is your wife using the silent treatment as a manipulation tactic or is she using it because she doesn’t know how to talk about her feelings?
Be vulnerable. This can feel scary at first, but it is the only way that you will know if you are dating someone worthy of your trust and love.
It is a good idea to start with giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Some people truly do not realize that they interrupt others often, thus if you frame your words objectively, you are more likely to produce behavioral change.
I would argue that finding your bashert trumps sightseeing and as far as I am aware, couples are still allowed on planes, not just singles.
Black and white thinking is considered to be a cognitive distortion by psychologists because it stops people from seeing life as it truly is, complex, uncertain, and always changing.
It is infectious and we become transfixed by our screens, and laugh and cry at the weddings of strangers who understand so clearly that a wedding is about marriage, love, and the future.
In order to deal with the anxiety you are feeling, you need to identify what you are thinking. You are likely having anxious thoughts. These thoughts are probably swimming around your mind all day and are exacerbating your anxious feelings.
Dearest Minimizers, please, I beg you, listen to me. We know that there are varied levels of sorrow. But our pain counts. It matters, and it should be acknowledged.
Treatment for emotional detachment depends on the reason that is happening. It is important to seek professional help to see why you are having difficulty connecting to others.
It is specifically during sorrow that we feel happiness so acutely. It is then that we truly understand how precious joy can be. How fleeting it can be. We can see blessings so clearly and know that they are gifts that must be cherished.
Notice the positive in your life. When you take time to notice positive moments in your day, your experience of that day becomes more positive.
Once someone learns how to manage their time, they often find that they have more time for things that they enjoy doing. Additionally, when you manage your time effectively you are generally more productive, less stressed, and have more energy.
When mazel and bracha are offered to you, say YES. Do not pass on a first. This is dismissing a gift that has been presented to you.
When we face hardship, we often refocus on what is necessary and right and leave pettiness behind. Perhaps now we can take to heart the objective that dating has always had- to get married and to build a bayit ne’eman b’yisrael.
It would also be helpful for you to go outside of your comfort zone and try new things. The more you broaden your social circle, the more people you will meet, and while you will not be best friends with everyone you meet, you will have more people to hang out with.
As you described, too much comparison leads to unhappiness and low self-esteem. It can also lead to feelings of frustration, jealousy, and hopelessness.
Dating is a commitment. Both parties need to be fully invested and focused on connection, advancement, and the future. When things are going well, this is even more important. Taking an extended break now, can deter the progress that you have made.
As your fathers’s cognitive function continues to decline, his daily life will change. It’s important to create a routine to help reduce confusion and disorientation.
When your family, the shadchan, or a friend, offers you information about a potential match - inquire about her home life and the type of house she grew up in.
Only use your bed for sleep, so your body knows what to expect when you’re in bed.
There are a million reasons why a wife must forego “extras” because they are not able to cover the cost. But this is not low maintenance or high maintenance. This is life as we hope to work toward more comforts in the future.
Building a relationship is a skill. If it’s something you need to work on, you can easily improve.
You are now a girl in shidduchim. This means that everywhere you go and anyone you meet has the potential to help you or hinder you.
Even just deciding you will work on the task for 15-30 min can help kickstart the activity and prevent more procrastination.
It is imperative to keep in mind that whatever is happening, Hashem runs the world and whatever happens in your life is part of a bigger plan.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
A woman is a woman not for nothing. They desire. Perhaps more than we do. They are trying to wake themselves up, or us. It is not the way, but remember: They want to please us too.
Most people who procrastinate usually don’t want to, though sometimes we procrastinate doing a non-preferred task or a task that we feel is boring, frustrating or unpleasant.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Is it really forbidden, such a thing? I don’t take such a dim view of your father, as you know. Yes, he’s impossibly cheap and self-centered, but he wants to live.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
A shudder went through Yankel when he heard that. She likes the city – a place of gentile and Jewish tumah, impurities! He had to admire it in a way. She didn’t feel responsible for her ideas and she could fling them all into the wind and could care less what would come down where.
I am starting with this request. I do not know this gentleman. However, it is my effort to give singles a chance to reach out directly. Please research any person printed in the column.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel paused as though to ponder or measure his words. One could see in such moments the Eastern European rabbi in him. The white shirt with a floppy collar, the black suit, gray-patterned tie – the seriousness of Everything.
When you spend special, alone time with your daughter and give her undivided attention, you can build her self-esteem by giving her specific praise and just by making her feel valuable because of the time and positive attention you are giving her.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Quite frankly, I feel terrible, but also great. I had always felt old, but now I feel young even though it feels like my body has been broken into two.
I am not sure if you are involved in a frenemy relationship as you did not share any details. If you feel this is a negative relationship for you, there are positive ways to disengage from a frenemy relationship.
Health and exercise are not WHO you are. It is something very important to you. I must assume that there are other things that you value as well.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel had never before been physically assaulted. He was out of breath and overcome with adrenaline. One of the policemen helped Yankel down the subway stairs. He sat him down on a chair and spoke to him.
Most negative and anxious messages we give ourselves are irrational.
Someone who knows the person well, or even someone who has previously dated a girl or guy can be a great resource in learning about a potential match. However, a real understanding of a prospective date can also lack objective and may contain personal bias.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
The crafty caterer perked up in his chair: He knew he had a fish on the line. Yankel could see it all, with his new eyes that took in everything these days.
The first step is recognizing that someone is not a good friend for you, which you seem to have noticed, at least on some level. Even if this friend is supportive at times, you should never feel that a friend is trying to destroy your self-esteem.
Yes, it is true that we must devote a huge amount of our time and energy to dating. Yes, we need to make dating a priority and be willing to accommodate the opportunities that come our way. Still, you are not ONLY someone who is dating.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Leah’s father yawned and sat up and banged a hand on the dashboard. This car, zul’n zein a kapara – should be an atonement for all my sins.
I cannot say one definitive thing that will end the shidduch crisis, but we definitely have to work on being open minded and stopping to pigeon hole everyone.
August 14, 2026 
