יום ראשון, ג׳ אלול תשפ״וSunday, August 16, 2026
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I think singles everywhere can safely assume that when we encounter them, we are all truly hoping and praying that they meet their right match soon.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
It pleased Leah’s father that the Rosh HaYeshiva had accorded him such respect. He was beside himself with pleasure.
It is terrifying to see our parents age. We want our parents to age because that means we have them for longer. It is so special to have the zechus to have parents, but it is difficult to know what to do when we are faced with challenging decisions.
You have been blessed to meet your right match and you are now preparing to spend your lives together. Yet, now that the excitement of your dating and engagement has waned somewhat, you are feeling unsure of how to proceed.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel was hurt by Leah’s remark, only more so because it was true. The chabura was a motley, ragtag crew. To even call them a chabura was an embarrassment.
I don’t want you to minimize the devotion that your mother demonstrates to her family. Closeness and devotion are very important. As Jewish mothers we all struggle with some degree of enmeshment.
You are in a difficult position. While I commend your commitment to meeting new people by attending events, the lack of a matchmaker seems to ultimately be slowing you down.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
He couldn’t make up his mind if this was beautiful or ugly. Women – the torture of women!
It is interesting that you now appreciate how the chassidim date. Many people who are not from the chassidishe world cannot understand or fathom that a couple can get engaged after three meetings and be happy together.
Of course, you could meet your future husband next week, but realistically you know that there is no timetable, and you can’t help but feel the road shift, leaving you waiting at the curb.
No spouse can make you happy. You have to find happiness within yourself and then you can build a loving relationship.
You are not the first couple to mesh differing backgrounds. Many have created families enriched by the flavors of both of their childhoods to create beautiful homes.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel was puzzled. He was young, he was old. It didn’t feel like a compliment either way. Now he wasn’t to talk about it – but they were full steam ahead anyway.
It is interesting that you now appreciate how the chassidim date. Many people who are not from the chassidishe world cannot understand or fathom that a couple can get engaged after three meetings and be happy together.
Even though he didn’t display any more “red flags” on the rest of your date, you are concerned that this behavior is not something you should ignore. Was this just a bad moment? Or was your interaction a forecasting of a turbulent future; a discussion that must not be ignored.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Meanwhile the older woman studied the younger hard, from a distance. It was bizarre for Yankel to watch his mother stare to the point of crudeness.
Nothing you do will really calm the drama, but if you and your wife can change your perspective, it may make everything easier to bear and thus make you feel calmer (which will ultimately calm the house down as well).
Even when we are comfortable working toward a future with someone, we can feel blindsided by our date’s easy understanding of what a lifetime together would look like.
Let’s discuss the possible solutions to the pressure you are feeling. Your family believes that a certain number of dates should determine an engagement. If you believe them – propose!
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel’s father held on to his son’s hand for a brief moment. I was passing by and I was seized by the urge to see this place. I hadn’t planned on disturbing you, but I was recognized by one of your yeshiva bochur friends who insisted on fetching you.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel was a bit pained and puzzled by this question. Surely, Leah was familiar with the way things were done in the yeshiva world. She had to know that this was a complicated matter.
As the caregiver, you must not fall into the trap of not caring for yourself. You do not want to get sick yourself emotionally or physically.
We don’t date in rom-coms, we don’t date in romance novels, and we don’t date through insta-stories. We date in reality.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Hat on his head, Yankel walked a brisk step to Leah’s house. His thoughts kept him lively company, and the twenty-minute walk felt like five. Leah was waiting at the door. He noticed the glint of her earrings and then looked away.
If you are simply reliant on someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are co-dependent. In a healthy relationship, each person can rely on the other for a variety of needs.
Kudos to you for seeing past an outfit on your dates. You knew immediately that here in fact the clothes don’t make the man” and you understand how precious his character and good middos are.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
This is reality. There will always be somebody you don’t like or doing something you don’t like. You can’t walk out. What will be with us when there is a problem? Are you going to walk out on us?
Are you choosing happiness? Are you focusing only on your problems? Or are you focusing on all the blessings that Hashem has given you?
Yes, a Pesach program can be a wonderful opportunity for you to meet new singles. For those who are up for it, it can be a helpful gift in a dating journey. At the same time however, you need a break. You need the time to rest and you need the time away.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
They waited in silence for the train to glide into the station. When they got on the train, Leah said, I missed you.
In a world obsessed with fame we must fiercely protect ourselves from the smoke and mirrors that is social media.
It is also important to remember that these older children have been through a lot! Losing a parent is very difficult and even though they are so fortunate to have rebuilt their family, it is still a big challenge for them.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
A thought, any thought, was as good as any other perhaps, but it was isolated, cut off. Binyamin was an island.
When going to a therapist for premarital counseling, it would likely be more prudent to go to a neutral therapist so they can be honest with both of you.
As you get older, the circle of potential guys becomes smaller and smaller. While there might be eligible men from a similar background that you may not have met yet, the possibilities grow smaller every day.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel would get out of there as soon as he could. What was there to linger for? Did his father want his approval?
This woman's well-being is hostage to her ex-husband's secret life as she cannot seek the emotional support she and her child need.
You feel maligned by the raised eyebrows and funny looks. May I be so bold as to suggest that their reactions are merely surprise at your good fortune?
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel bore down so hard while slicing his perogie that his knife made a clink sound on the bone china. Could Abba actually be apologizing for… everything? He shrugged.
Please share with people that ghosting is very painful.... The hurt and betrayal is devastating.
She did not have anything negative or worrying to share about him. Yet, you are still thinking about walking away from a guy that sounds like he might be the right fit for you.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
True, he was the playful type, but his father was almost a compulsive salesman. With every word, with every gesture, he was out to prove that his way was right, that his ideology, the superior one.
We never really know what other people are enduring. Life is so challenging. People often evaluate situations based on what they see, which is often not the whole picture.
Time to take a step back. This is the time to refocus and to take your dating story back into your own hands.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
He was surprised by her self-possession. Here she seemed smitten by him and yet she was confident. She could just as soon leave him as take him.
A great technique I recommend to people who deal with difficult people is to answer a negative with a positive.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel had a few thousand dollars put aside from tutoring younger boys and a few summers as a camp counselor. If there was a time to spend, Yankel would spend it now on these dates.
It appears to me that your stonewalling is unintentional. It could be a learned response from your childhood to avoid escalating a fight or avoid discussing an uncomfortable topic.
Even if this trip is just for the sake of fun, it still holds merit.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel enjoyed this exchange; and as evidenced by the smiles in the room, so did the others. But at the same time he wondered about what he had just said.
I would never suggest that someone “settle” for someone who lacks mentchlichkeit. I would never want a girl to date someone as a last resort or without the confidence to say no.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
It was strange that afterward, when he was back in his dormitory room, going over the evening in his mind, he could not even remember the color of Leah’s eyes.
As I write this column, I wonder if in fact he is stonewalling you or if he just does some things like stonewalling. The wish to never fight or disagree in a marriage is unrealistic.
They accuse you of being a fat girl masquerading in a skinny girl’s body. While this is clearly ludicrous, the hurt and stigma are very real. You are thin. Isn’t that what they want?
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Leah looked at him. She flashed a modest smile revealing small, white, polished-pearl teeth. To see them sent a fright through him.
When I see couples walking together and both speaking on their phones to other people, it hurts deeply. Instead of walking and talking to each other, they are speaking to other people.
You don’t want to date someone who isn’t skinny and don’t understand why those around you bristle at that statement. Would they prefer you date a girl you are not going to be attracted to because of her size?
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
It had never before occurred to him in such stark terms that his G-d and the G-d of his father were not the same. In fact, they were very different.
I know my own parents and in-laws gave my children so much love, time, and exciting outings that are remembered to this day!
To have him suddenly make an appearance in your life again must have been jarring, forcing you to relive the emotions you thought you had put to rest.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
Yankel hated that question even as he knew it would always come. He understood the question wasn’t so much informational as it was a way that both he and his father and his family could be placed in a schnit, a familiar category.
In life, assertive people accomplish more and are able to establish healthy relationships while aggressive people tend to destroy relationships with those closest to them.
Tell them you have something to share with them and then calmly relate the truth. Apologize for not being forthcoming until this point and take ownership of this slight and the hurt your secrecy will have caused them.
By Alter Yisrael Shimon Feuerman
He knew he must marry, but it was like looking at the vast ocean from the shore, waiting for a ship that he couldn’t be sure even existed.
Another thing that may be occurring is trivializing you, by telling you that you are too sensitive when something bothers you.
Dating is real... There is no thunderous realization while standing in the pouring rain, no chasing a plane as it is about to take off, or any other love cliché you can think of.
Instead of contemplating divorce, use these feelings as a wake-up call to work on your marriage. Please seek professional help to work on making your life happier.
It bolsters us to hear that more than one or two people believe you would connect. This is especially true when everything else we learn, as far as character, personality, and middos feel right as well.
I know it is best for you to be strong and not focus on this workmate. Don’t give her power to control your life.
We are all perfectly imperfect. When we start cataloging human beings for societal imperfections, we will always most definitely find something wrong.
The reason I feel so strongly about this safety device, is because I know first hand of very satisfied customers who have told me all sorts of stories on how it has gotten them out of thorny situations.
If overall everything seems so great, you wonder, why would you walk away over something small? Sure, there are a number of those “small” items, but surely, they are fixable, workable, or not even applicable in the near future. Still though, something doesn’t feel right.
We all should try to do chesed. However, we must protect our children when we do help others. We must guard their neshamas and try to keep our homes warm, loving and positive.
For an introvert, a date can feel like a huge obstacle that they are unable to scale. There is a lot of talking on dates.
When physicians prescribe steroids, they usually do it as a last choice. They don't inform the patient of the effects it can have on his personality since they don't want to suggest something that may not happen.
It's always exciting to start dating. At the same time, it can be overwhelming and daunting to make sense of the wonderful options of girls that come your way. There can be an element of uniformity to the resumes that makes it difficult to find the right one for you.
If this is an emotionally abusive situation, you would need to get your son out of the marriage, but if you can get the couple help and your daughter-in-law changes, the marriage can be saved.
It would certainly be helpful if we had a clear picture of exactly when we might meet the person we will marry. A marking on a calendar would allow us to schedule our lives just so – with time to accomplish personal goals while maintaining a clear path for someone new.
Your husband does not seem to recognize that the children are likely struggling in the same way that he did.
We can only assume that up until this point you have been pleased with your chosson, his qualities, and his character. Yet, over Sukkos, he drank one night and you are now questioning your whole future.
If, however, you are happy to give someone a second chance at a date, you do not box yourself in with lists or refuse to continue dating someone if he doesn’t meet your extensive checklist, and you know specifically why you did not connect, then you can rest assured.
I wish you would have asked about a physical attribute, a speech impediment, or a height disparity. I would likely then have cautioned you to keep an open mind and to stretch your inherent beliefs.
A marriage filled with checks and balances and the need for an even playing field is always a recipe for conflict and resentment.
The first thing to try to do is stop the power struggles (or judgments) with your daughter. It is important to listen to what your daughter is telling you without correcting her or trying to change her.
In order to reduce tension and worry, you can try to calm your nervous system by using muscle relaxation, exercise, and meditation.
Dating can be daunting without the added pressure of seeking “kindness” above all else due to a difficult background. Of course you are looking for someone who is kind after your experience at home, as you hope to create a more peaceful life for your future family.
In reality, though, you need to marry against your negative imago... It is very difficult for people with a negative imago to marry against their imago.
This is not a dating problem. This is a life problem. Being a people pleaser is nice, until it makes you feel resentful and not productive.
Unfortunately people must envy your position in life and may not realize how much pressure they are putting on you due to their own issues. You must work on setting boundaries in your lives.
You are concerned that even if you are blessed with a “yes,” she may not like you after getting to know you better, and awkwardness with descend on both of your families forever and ever.
Try to always make your husband feel that he is the most important person in your life. A strong marriage builds healthy, confident children.
Unless you neglected to mention it in your question, I will assume his is not a mind-reader, a clairvoyant, or have telepathic powers. He cannot see your thoughts.
Perhaps you feel people only want things from you in a relationship. However, it is healthy to also take things from others. Do you give people a chance to give to you?
First dates are often fraught with nerves and there are those that are simply unable to put their best foot forward. This small window allows daters to barely scratch the surface of personality, temperament and shared interests.
I started at eighteen and that has not made a difference in my life. I went on shidduch dates, single events, traveled and still have not found my soul mate. There is only so much in one's control.
Meeting the right person and a successful marriage will definitely infuse your life with happiness. Dating and marriage, however, are not the “cure-all” for all sadness.
Sometimes the in-law relationship can reflect the relationship between the spouse and his own parents.
Carefully and respectfully raise this issue again. Explain to him that while your salary might be higher than his, your earnings would be used for your collective family.
Although you are trying to lighten the atmosphere, it sounds like the humor in these situations is sometimes damaging to your relationship with your children.
August 14, 2026 
