יום רביעי, ו׳ אלול תשפ״וWednesday, August 19, 2026
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You mentioned reluctance to give up baking because of the connection it has brought to your marriage. Maybe you can channel that passion for food into something that is healthier for both of you.
Your non-existent expectations for a home do not make her basic expectations unreasonable.
While we are visual beings, and it is natural to want to see how the person looks, the problem is that when you see the picture before you meet the person, you create a single image of who the person is.
Your praise should be realistic. Don’t say things that are obviously untrue as children can see through this and it will not feel good to them.
It can be hard to modify the picture that you had in your head when you originally thought about your future.
Her feelings of worthlessness and depression likely stem from feeling like she is diminished and a shadow of her former self.
While a shared background might make things easier, it doesn’t mean that it is the only way.
You should, as a couple, forge out “we” time where you do things together such as discuss books, art, Torah topics, or whatever you both share interest in.
We can’t possibly know the mind of Hashem. We can’t even begin to speculate as to what was Hashem’s purpose in taking your friend’s husband at this time.
You are responsible for yourself, your actions, and your reactions. Your behavior before the date, during the date, and after the date are under your control.
In shidduchim, the potential for rejection exists for everyone. Those we want to date, those we ask to date, and those we are dating, all have the opportunity to say “no” should they choose to.
You must share in a tone that demonstrates derech eretz to your parents that their behavior in meddling with raising your children is not helpful and is inappropriate.
Maybe you can give me some words of nechama as I am frum and I know Hashem does everything for the good.
You envision someone like you at this stage of your life, and your parents likely hoped for someone who shares their original goals for you.
While your educational ideas sound interesting, I am not sure how a school would be able to implement this kind of curriculum.
To me, your question cannot be answered until we address your tone. Until then, this is less about your inability to see eye to eye with your parents than about your struggle to communicate properly with one another.
Perhaps you can call a family meeting and start with saying that although it is a privilege for you to be able to take care of your parents, things are becoming more difficult and you feel you need more help.
You believe you are stuck because no one new seems to exist in the comfortable/uncomfortable group you belong to. To remain as you are will then likely not yield new and productive results. It’s time to switch things up.
Before you allow yourself to continue on this unproductive and dangerous path, take a deep breath and refocus. Revisit the steps that got you to this point.
We had a great marriage. I want to stay with her and raise our children.
It appears through your letter that you may be overly critical of your loved ones. Perhaps you are distancing them as your daughter and friend had said.
Perhaps girls are conditioned to get married early and to create a family and a home so they present themselves with more enthusiasm and care.
It would be a good idea to seek professional help. If your husband refuses to go for help, it would still be helpful for you to seek your own professional help to assist you in navigating your husband’s anger.
Is he helping his family financially through a difficult time and has been forced to be careful?
Take time now to heal. If that is a week, a month, or more. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as you process this experience.
Congratulations! You have decided to start a business and feel pumped, but you realized that marketing yourself is a big role in getting clients.
I’m sure we can all agree that asking for a picture doesn’t stem from a deep desire to connect emotionally with someone prior to a date.
It is important to validate your daughter’s feelings and tell her that this behavior was unacceptable.
Once he understood the importance of respecting authority, he began to listen more appropriately to his Rebbeim, teachers, and the Menahel, understanding that they ultimately are seeking to help him succeed in life.
Leading however, with the notion that you are dating below your standards, or beneath your “criteria” is certainly something that your dates would feel.
Now that you are able to date again, you jumped in with enthusiasm, only to be reminded of your dissatisfying past experiences.
Some people may think it is cruel to not marry a boy because of their family background, but be forewarned: even if he is remorseful about the way he treats his mother, he will most certainly repeat it with you.
It can certainly be uncomfortable to mingle and connect with other guests solely to bolster and expand your shidduch reputation and reach.
Positive thinking has wonderful effects on your mind as well as your body. It lowers stress levels, which in turn affects every part of your being.
I always say that an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. If we can all learn how to parent effectively, then this world would be a better place.
You wonder how to convince girls that you are in fact a good bet, without the promise of a glitzy future.
Most medical doctors treat OCD with medication to calm the amygdala. She was informed by her doctor that OCD could not be cured, but with medication it could be maintained. The fact remains that the medication's side effects were worse than the OCD itself.
Each year, he explodes in anger at me and our children for no good reason, other than that he is physically and mentally exhausted and drained.
You want to move forward, but worry that your varying views may cause friction in the future. You want to make it work, and want to know how that can be done.
While I do agree that the wife and husband should appreciate each other, and constantly praise and validate each other, perhaps it is also unwise to share this praise with their parents.
Perhaps, we are getting closer to the other side and you can’t help but envision a guest-filled wedding day in the location you have always wanted.
You have taken the time to learn, to grow, and to make positive inroads in your life. You feel transformed and that makes you want to shed your past and what is represented. Yet, you are still you.
After a significant event, my family went through a very challenging time. Despite it all, my father remained strong and resilient in the face of adversity.
It is time to move on. What he hopes for or wants at this point is not your concern and only time will tell for him.
My nutritionist has taught me this invaluable lesson and for the first time in my life, I am not on a diet, but rather I am living a healthy, balanced lifestyle that includes all food groups.
When we dress up for our date, we are conveying our care and interest in the outcome.
Comparing yourself to others is a very dangerous thing. It never helps you feel better and often is based on false premises.
Why would someone want to marry me? Why would they take their chances with a girl who has all this baggage when there are so many others around who are more eligible?
You are certainly no dummy. Clever is the name of your game. Reaching out for help is always the right thing to do.
What did she have children for if not to personally and lovingly raise her precious jewels?
You are two individuals, and having varied interests should not only be expected, but can be encouraged.
It is always a blessing to find someone that you connect with. But in the often-complicated world of shidduchim, your psyche has thrown a wrench at your potential future together.
One important thing I have learned through making my own mistakes was to not approach single individuals at simchas or coming out of shul.
Helping divorced couples remarry may seem unorthodox, but I have actually been involved in such cases and have, with siyatta d'Shmaya, helped divorced couples, who wanted to reconcile, remarry each other successfully.
Second guessing your decision when it comes to shidduchim is so difficult where clarity is the greatest gift you can ask for.
It takes a certain sensitivity to do marital therapy. The therapist should try to put themselves in the client’s shoes and try to be careful not to open up issues that the couple will have to live with later and not have the tools to deal with.
It can be hard to adjust and pivot in order to arrange a date, especially with someone who lives out of state.
Just this past week two families related that they had been contemplating the purchase of a medical alert device but had pushed off the process... until one of their family members fell at home and spent the entire night on the floor alone, unable to call for help.
Your letter was difficult to read. I hear your frustration so clearly in every word you wrote and how baffled you are by something that seems so clear to you.
Seasonal affective disorder, also known as winter depression, is a real thing. It is a type of depressive disorder that only tends to surface during the winter months.
Sure, she has been the bright and shiny option for so long, giving you the ability to remain in the shadows. But she never put you in the background, you allowed yourself to be placed there.
Ultimately, that high that your wife gets from shopping will not last long term, as stuff will not make her happy.
The only way to build trust is to share. This is scary because it makes us vulnerable. When we share with someone, we are hoping that they will safeguard our secrets and never use them to hurt us.
Keeping communication open is very important. This is crucial for all children, so you can detect any issues or problems early on.
It is perfectly normal to have a specific vision for your future and can even be helpful in helping you to achieve and grow. Presumably however, you have dated people with these criteria and have not yet found the person for you.
Dr. Yael’s answer to this unfortunate mother was that she felt sorry for “what happened to you and to your family.”
Some daters and couples simply need more time because more often than not, both parties don’t develop a connection at the exact same rate.
No one should ever feel inferior because they needed to use medication to help them overcome their depression, anxiety, or any other emotional difficulties.
The only thing that meal planning does not account for is “the toddler.” The toddler you see, always holds that one card that can’t be contested...
Your friends are seemingly dating with excitement and you don’t share their enthusiasm for a future that you are not ready for.
I am so sorry about what happened to you and to your family. Please don’t feel guilty. You had no idea this would happen.
Yes, your daughter may be moody, but she needs positive attention and love, not negativity.
Your sister and her clear thrill at being engaged satisfied your friends and family while your calm demeanor worries them and now you; begging the question, “Do I feel enough?”
Using imagery with deep breathing usually makes the techniques more effective and generally helps people maintain their focus better.
Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. The pain after self-sacrifice can feel extremely hurtful as you are already putting aside your own singular happiness.
The fact that she has been diagnosed and is taking medication can be a positive thing as it may show that she is someone who takes care of issues and overcomes challenges.
The hothead gets angry because “nobody else knows how to drive!” and loses control when accidents happen (ie. a spilled drink).
We always hear from well meaning people to read Dr. Gerber and to FERBERIZE him, but this method just doesn’t seem appropriate for us.
To the single, it will forever place ‘single status’ blame on their shoulders alone, without any regard for the myriad of circumstances that may attribute to why someone is still not married at a certain age.
You believe you are all interchangeable at best and at worst the least shiny penny in a pocketful of change.
Remind the children (and their parents) that we only eat at the table at Bubby’s house. If you keep saying this (if needed) in a calm and happy voice, the kids will likely comply and not take any offense.
When a person has a secure attachment style, they feel confident in their relationship and in their partner.
Often, the well-meaning suggestions offered at home by siblings and parents on whom you should be dating, and how you should be dating, only cause the single sibling pain and anxiety.
None of these girls are the “same type” yet going to their seminary branded them as a certain “type.” Had their respective husbands not gone out with them because of the schools they went to, they would’ve never married their bashert.
Dating can be hard and it can be disheartening. This is especially true for those that have dated for a long time.
This probably is not indicative of a larger issue, but either way, it is not your place to address it.
Without the option to have been a fly on the wall during your dates, it is impossible for anyone to completely determine if it was too fast, too slow, or just enough.
Explain to your daughter that you want to do whatever it takes to rebuild your relationship. Ask her what you can do differently to repair your relationship.
While you certainly know one another now, time will only encourage the ease and comfort that you feel with one another, making your spouse someone that you appreciate spending so much time with.
It is not easy to deal with negative people, but if this is important to your husband, you may need to try to have your father-in-law over and make the best of it.
You never want someone to feel compelled to marry you because a certain number of dates have passed and he feels bad, or to move toward marriage if he does not feel thrilled to be doing so.
My husband has been driving me crazy to lose weight and even blaming me for the hard time our daughter is having getting dates.
If you have specific reasons for your anxiety write them down so that your thoughts can be clearly conveyed to those who will help you through. If it is just a general feeling of worry, write that down as well.
I don't mean to cut anyone out but just not leave everything equally?
All those moments where you pictured the décor, the first dance, and the mile-long buffet are lost. A new dream had to be drawn that focused solely on the simcha and the union of two people ready to make a life together.
I kept quiet because I would have screamed if I had opened my mouth, This happened three weeks ago and since then I haven't called my parents.
Be kind to yourself. This is hard and your pain is real. So first treat yourself with love and respect.
I truly believe that chessed begins at home. We must care for our own immediate families and extended families before running out to save the world.
Living in New York will definitely allow you to access more shadchanim, more singles events, and offer you more exposure to a greater group of people.
At this point, you may want to first find out what is going on before you involve your ex-husband. Perhaps your son may have actually done this extreme behavior to get you to speak to your ex-husband.
August 14, 2026 
