יום שלישי, י״ח תשרי תשפ״זTuesday, September 29, 2026
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It is very possible that your children do not want to burden you more than necessary, so they wait till the very last minute to come.
I imagine that despite your best effort, you feel like you are failing to connect, and the more you worry about it, the more distant and disengaged you seem.
It is also imperative that you work hard to keep the spark in your marriage alive and that you always work on communication.
It would make you feel more secure before a date to go out with someone who has been vetted and approved of by your friends and family because they know her – and not because they called her high school principal from her resume.
Beyond the idealistic lens of TikTok and the like however, their marriages may be struggling, their children may live life in “time-out” chairs, and they may subsist on day-old takeout.
In marriage if you are more loving and giving, generally the cycle of the marriage interactions become completely different.
You are an adult and are free to make your own decisions. You also present valid points that you are welcome to share with your family as they may be saddened to hear that they have made you feel uncomfortable in your childhood home.
You somehow need to see this second relationship as another chapter in your life. This does not mean that the loving years that you shared with your first husband should ever be forgotten.
My husband is a total technology junkie. He has every gadget under the sun and Baruch Hashem for Shabbat since it's the only time that we actually eat and talk as a family.
As more of your friends got married, I am sure that an even greater portion of the planning fell of your shoulders, and you graciously took on the task. Yet, you feel slighted and hurt at your friends’ lack of involvement now that it’s finally your turn.
My heart breaks for my grandchild. My children are expecting another baby in a few months and I am so frantic with worry.
Feminism, uneven expectations, and societal pressure aside, the world at large is often more comfortable with the man being older than the woman. We get you.
Sometimes people feel that if someone accepts them then there is something wrong with that person.
Building up your self-confidence, your self-love, and your self-acceptance is paramount before you go on your first date.
I find it interesting that some people, like you... look at it as a device that gives them more independence to age at home. To others it reminds them of the fact that they’re aging and are vulnerable.
Listen to yourself and the emotion that you feel when you talk about her and do your best to imagine your future together. Can you picture her as a strong and loving partner?
In my opinion, he is reckless and self righteous to think that this is how depression can be cured. Does he begin to understand that over 90% of suicides were with people who were suffering from depression?
Your best friend got married last year. She was tremendously blessed to find her zivug during such a difficult time. She likely understands this and has made peace with the small wedding she had or has planned for bigger celebrations in the future.
Communicating will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to each other if done correctly. Remember, stay positive, non confrontational, and use “I feel” messages so your husband doesn’t feel blamed at all.
You don’t need to fly anywhere of course if you don’t want to. Perhaps, though, you can take a moment to reflect on your unwillingness to travel outside of your comfort zone.
You mentioned reluctance to give up baking because of the connection it has brought to your marriage. Maybe you can channel that passion for food into something that is healthier for both of you.
Your non-existent expectations for a home do not make her basic expectations unreasonable.
While we are visual beings, and it is natural to want to see how the person looks, the problem is that when you see the picture before you meet the person, you create a single image of who the person is.
Your praise should be realistic. Don’t say things that are obviously untrue as children can see through this and it will not feel good to them.
It can be hard to modify the picture that you had in your head when you originally thought about your future.
Her feelings of worthlessness and depression likely stem from feeling like she is diminished and a shadow of her former self.
While a shared background might make things easier, it doesn’t mean that it is the only way.
You should, as a couple, forge out “we” time where you do things together such as discuss books, art, Torah topics, or whatever you both share interest in.
We can’t possibly know the mind of Hashem. We can’t even begin to speculate as to what was Hashem’s purpose in taking your friend’s husband at this time.
You are responsible for yourself, your actions, and your reactions. Your behavior before the date, during the date, and after the date are under your control.
In shidduchim, the potential for rejection exists for everyone. Those we want to date, those we ask to date, and those we are dating, all have the opportunity to say “no” should they choose to.
You must share in a tone that demonstrates derech eretz to your parents that their behavior in meddling with raising your children is not helpful and is inappropriate.
Maybe you can give me some words of nechama as I am frum and I know Hashem does everything for the good.
You envision someone like you at this stage of your life, and your parents likely hoped for someone who shares their original goals for you.
While your educational ideas sound interesting, I am not sure how a school would be able to implement this kind of curriculum.
To me, your question cannot be answered until we address your tone. Until then, this is less about your inability to see eye to eye with your parents than about your struggle to communicate properly with one another.
Perhaps you can call a family meeting and start with saying that although it is a privilege for you to be able to take care of your parents, things are becoming more difficult and you feel you need more help.
You believe you are stuck because no one new seems to exist in the comfortable/uncomfortable group you belong to. To remain as you are will then likely not yield new and productive results. It’s time to switch things up.
Before you allow yourself to continue on this unproductive and dangerous path, take a deep breath and refocus. Revisit the steps that got you to this point.
We had a great marriage. I want to stay with her and raise our children.
It appears through your letter that you may be overly critical of your loved ones. Perhaps you are distancing them as your daughter and friend had said.
Perhaps girls are conditioned to get married early and to create a family and a home so they present themselves with more enthusiasm and care.
It would be a good idea to seek professional help. If your husband refuses to go for help, it would still be helpful for you to seek your own professional help to assist you in navigating your husband’s anger.
Is he helping his family financially through a difficult time and has been forced to be careful?
Take time now to heal. If that is a week, a month, or more. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as you process this experience.
Congratulations! You have decided to start a business and feel pumped, but you realized that marketing yourself is a big role in getting clients.
I’m sure we can all agree that asking for a picture doesn’t stem from a deep desire to connect emotionally with someone prior to a date.
It is important to validate your daughter’s feelings and tell her that this behavior was unacceptable.
Once he understood the importance of respecting authority, he began to listen more appropriately to his Rebbeim, teachers, and the Menahel, understanding that they ultimately are seeking to help him succeed in life.
Leading however, with the notion that you are dating below your standards, or beneath your “criteria” is certainly something that your dates would feel.
Now that you are able to date again, you jumped in with enthusiasm, only to be reminded of your dissatisfying past experiences.
Some people may think it is cruel to not marry a boy because of their family background, but be forewarned: even if he is remorseful about the way he treats his mother, he will most certainly repeat it with you.
It can certainly be uncomfortable to mingle and connect with other guests solely to bolster and expand your shidduch reputation and reach.
Positive thinking has wonderful effects on your mind as well as your body. It lowers stress levels, which in turn affects every part of your being.
I always say that an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. If we can all learn how to parent effectively, then this world would be a better place.
You wonder how to convince girls that you are in fact a good bet, without the promise of a glitzy future.
Most medical doctors treat OCD with medication to calm the amygdala. She was informed by her doctor that OCD could not be cured, but with medication it could be maintained. The fact remains that the medication's side effects were worse than the OCD itself.
Each year, he explodes in anger at me and our children for no good reason, other than that he is physically and mentally exhausted and drained.
You want to move forward, but worry that your varying views may cause friction in the future. You want to make it work, and want to know how that can be done.
While I do agree that the wife and husband should appreciate each other, and constantly praise and validate each other, perhaps it is also unwise to share this praise with their parents.
Perhaps, we are getting closer to the other side and you can’t help but envision a guest-filled wedding day in the location you have always wanted.
You have taken the time to learn, to grow, and to make positive inroads in your life. You feel transformed and that makes you want to shed your past and what is represented. Yet, you are still you.
After a significant event, my family went through a very challenging time. Despite it all, my father remained strong and resilient in the face of adversity.
It is time to move on. What he hopes for or wants at this point is not your concern and only time will tell for him.
My nutritionist has taught me this invaluable lesson and for the first time in my life, I am not on a diet, but rather I am living a healthy, balanced lifestyle that includes all food groups.
When we dress up for our date, we are conveying our care and interest in the outcome.
Comparing yourself to others is a very dangerous thing. It never helps you feel better and often is based on false premises.
Why would someone want to marry me? Why would they take their chances with a girl who has all this baggage when there are so many others around who are more eligible?
You are certainly no dummy. Clever is the name of your game. Reaching out for help is always the right thing to do.
What did she have children for if not to personally and lovingly raise her precious jewels?
You are two individuals, and having varied interests should not only be expected, but can be encouraged.
It is always a blessing to find someone that you connect with. But in the often-complicated world of shidduchim, your psyche has thrown a wrench at your potential future together.
One important thing I have learned through making my own mistakes was to not approach single individuals at simchas or coming out of shul.
Helping divorced couples remarry may seem unorthodox, but I have actually been involved in such cases and have, with siyatta d'Shmaya, helped divorced couples, who wanted to reconcile, remarry each other successfully.
Second guessing your decision when it comes to shidduchim is so difficult where clarity is the greatest gift you can ask for.
It takes a certain sensitivity to do marital therapy. The therapist should try to put themselves in the client’s shoes and try to be careful not to open up issues that the couple will have to live with later and not have the tools to deal with.
It can be hard to adjust and pivot in order to arrange a date, especially with someone who lives out of state.
Just this past week two families related that they had been contemplating the purchase of a medical alert device but had pushed off the process... until one of their family members fell at home and spent the entire night on the floor alone, unable to call for help.
Your letter was difficult to read. I hear your frustration so clearly in every word you wrote and how baffled you are by something that seems so clear to you.
Seasonal affective disorder, also known as winter depression, is a real thing. It is a type of depressive disorder that only tends to surface during the winter months.
Sure, she has been the bright and shiny option for so long, giving you the ability to remain in the shadows. But she never put you in the background, you allowed yourself to be placed there.
Ultimately, that high that your wife gets from shopping will not last long term, as stuff will not make her happy.
The only way to build trust is to share. This is scary because it makes us vulnerable. When we share with someone, we are hoping that they will safeguard our secrets and never use them to hurt us.
Keeping communication open is very important. This is crucial for all children, so you can detect any issues or problems early on.
It is perfectly normal to have a specific vision for your future and can even be helpful in helping you to achieve and grow. Presumably however, you have dated people with these criteria and have not yet found the person for you.
Dr. Yael’s answer to this unfortunate mother was that she felt sorry for “what happened to you and to your family.”
Some daters and couples simply need more time because more often than not, both parties don’t develop a connection at the exact same rate.
No one should ever feel inferior because they needed to use medication to help them overcome their depression, anxiety, or any other emotional difficulties.
The only thing that meal planning does not account for is “the toddler.” The toddler you see, always holds that one card that can’t be contested...
Your friends are seemingly dating with excitement and you don’t share their enthusiasm for a future that you are not ready for.
I am so sorry about what happened to you and to your family. Please don’t feel guilty. You had no idea this would happen.
Yes, your daughter may be moody, but she needs positive attention and love, not negativity.
Your sister and her clear thrill at being engaged satisfied your friends and family while your calm demeanor worries them and now you; begging the question, “Do I feel enough?”
Using imagery with deep breathing usually makes the techniques more effective and generally helps people maintain their focus better.
Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. The pain after self-sacrifice can feel extremely hurtful as you are already putting aside your own singular happiness.
The fact that she has been diagnosed and is taking medication can be a positive thing as it may show that she is someone who takes care of issues and overcomes challenges.
The hothead gets angry because “nobody else knows how to drive!” and loses control when accidents happen (ie. a spilled drink).
We always hear from well meaning people to read Dr. Gerber and to FERBERIZE him, but this method just doesn’t seem appropriate for us.
To the single, it will forever place ‘single status’ blame on their shoulders alone, without any regard for the myriad of circumstances that may attribute to why someone is still not married at a certain age.
You believe you are all interchangeable at best and at worst the least shiny penny in a pocketful of change.
September 25, 2026 
