יום ראשון, ג׳ אלול תשפ״וSunday, August 16, 2026
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I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to mention that while I could never condone hurting someone’s feelings, the truth still matters.
I was a young wife, with two young children and my husband became remarkably successful financially... While I tried to be a loving mother and wife, I often felt very alone in raising our children.
Taking the time to reach out to those who know a potential date will offer insight into personality and character traits before you even meet them.
I never thought that my going out to lunch alone with our daughter would trigger him. He told me that he felt left out. It reminded him of his childhood when he felt excluded by his parents and his friends.
You have been blessed. You met someone quickly and forged a strong connection with ease. There are however, some guidelines that you can remember to reassure yourself that you are making a healthy decision. It’s all about the C’s.
I am sure you have a lot to offer someone and it would be good to start focusing on your positive attributes in order to help pull yourself out of this depression.
Controlling behavior is always a red flag. A healthy relationship includes compromise and at the very least a willingness to listen.
I strongly believe in something I call “cozy time.” This is the time when you put your children to sleep. It would be most advantageous for each child to get five to ten minutes of alone time with both of you every night.
You want to make a life with this wonderful guy, but you worry that when he sees where and how you have grown up, he will think less of you, less of your family. You feel ashamed.
It appears that you have to try to navigate this situation in a loving manner and try to help your husband understand that you get headaches from a hot house.
You need to recognize that while you like each other and see promise in a future together, something in one or both of you is preventing an emotional connection from developing to the point that you can commit to one another.
When a person gives you unsolicited advice, you can say, I appreciate your suggestion, but what I really need is a listening ear and support through my situation.
We can perhaps discuss the importance of honesty. You did not give your sisters the chance to accept your choice with dignity before you began dating.
OCD responds extremely well to cognitive-behavioral therapy. Research has demonstrated that cognitive-behavioral therapy is indeed most effective in treating OCD.
It is frustrating to feel like an afterthought. While I would like to give your date the benefit of the doubt and assume he most certainly wanted to be there, how he presented himself made you feel otherwise.
Psychologically, you can try to approach them in a calm manner to discuss what happened, but I am not sure that this will be helpful and it may just escalate the issue.
I have said this before and I will say it again; if someone cannot commit to you after a year, they are unlikely to commit to you ever.
I question whether you must call her often and bear the pain of her hurtful remarks.
While there are definitely older singles who are doctors, they are not standing en masse waiting for accomplished women outside the Emergency Room.
By Baruch Lytle
On the question whether singles felt that the Orthodox system of dating was going well, Nishma found that most singles had an unfavorable view.
Try to remove your feelings from the situation and become neutral. Don't feel that the child is purposely trying to upset you as this will just exacerbate the situation.
We can always argue that we only need that 'one' right person, but we still need to be offered the opportunities to meet that special guy.
Rabbi Wallerstein answered me, We cannot live without time. When your time is up, Hashem takes your neshama. There is no choice.
You friend is not expecting you to pull a perfect single guy out of a magic hat. She does however, want your care, concern, and friendship.
It is always possible to overcome a tough situation through out of the box thinking, and not give in to the only options you think you have to pick from.
How you present yourself is key. Both your character and your appearance should be refined to reflect who you are accurately and to your highest standard.
My husband expects me to be the tzaddaikes and always give into my mother-in-law for kibud em. He says that Hashem gave him a difficult mother, but he chose me to be his wife.
Please don’t think I am minimizing what you feel, but you must immediately expand your circle, your horizons, and your world.
I was shocked to read that R.N. refers to the young men as boys. If they are boys, then maybe the mothers are right to have reservation with the suggestion of the shadchan.
You are doing so well. Dating is a challenge that often feels like a race without rules. Perhaps now is the perfect time to breathe and regroup.
My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.
Of course, you are intimated and overwhelmed. The more focused you become on their bottom line, the more bargain basement you will feel.
Please do not behave passive-aggressively with the shadchan by continuously avoiding the shadchan's call, in regards to your response after a date.
There is always safety in numbers. Travel with a friend or two and agree to look out for one another and to travel back to your homes together at the end of the evening.
If it is your mehalech to drink wine (as per your Rav), then please make sure to be in a safe place and conduct yourself with dignity.
You get along and have not found any distinct deal-breaking flaws in one another. But marrying someone because they are just “fine” is not a kindness to yourself or to them.
All who have gone through this know the look. My mom then told me to lie about the years of my marriage and say two years, so that maybe their faces would not give you that look of “Oy, so sad.”
Be open with this special man, communicating your concerns so he can validate, problem-solve, and reassure you. Work together to assess your comfort level, his, and hers. Your willingness to “try” will be meaningful and precious to him.
Clearly if he feels rejected, he may be using the passive aggressive jokes as a way of expressing his feelings.
Something that is valuable is often not placed on display. Money in a bank, jewelry in a safe, passports tucked away. Relationships that are meaningful and strong are also in need of protection and privacy.
Of course we are all human and can make mistakes, which can be hurtful, but we still need to all work on thinking before speaking.
Being someone that others feel they can rely on when they are in a bind is highly commendable. It is frustrating, however, to even the most noble giver...
If we choose a path in which we try to bridge gaps by having a positive attitude and engaging in humor and happiness as well as blessing others, we ultimately will find pleasure in life.
Those we date and the one we eventually marry cannot be responsible for our self-worth. While it feels nice to know that others view you positively, we cannot rely on others to manage our self-esteem.
You mention that your husband was raised with these same painful jokes. Perhaps he was raised in a family where you were not allowed to discuss feelings, so he found a way to express his anger and frustration passively.
Realistically, you are no longer dating and the everyday schedules and routines we have with jobs, schooling, etc., can take away some of that inherent excitement that dating and the unknown offer.
I work with many people who tell me painful things that people say to them. Often, these people are simply not thinking before they speak (most people don't mean to hurt others).
The focus of your dating will always revolve on the ability for your relationship to thrive and grow in a marriage. One of the most basic tenets of a couple’s success is their commitment to a foundation of a shared hashkafa.
Please don't make a huge issue out of this situation. As in all situations, the only person we can change is ourselves.
Any reaction offers direction and a chance for personal growth, should we be mindful and mature enough to listen to their response with humility and grace.
Covid, which generally causes all of us anxiety, has definitely exacerbated it in individuals who suffer from anxiety disorders.
To quote that mildly famous song, “All you need is time, time, time...” (Love. Whatever. It’s semantics.)
If you hear yourself saying that you’ll probably be unhappy in your marriage soon, or that you’re probably really not happy now, you need to stop yourself and change that narrative.
After an enlightening conversation about your respective Covid beliefs, you worry that you have unearthed a divide too big to bridge...
My question is do all our needs have to be fulfilled by our spouse? Maybe some of your needs can be met by siblings, good friends, or close cousins.
Whether you are set up by a shadchan, by a friend, or meet on your own at a singles event, take the time to do your research.
You must make sure your child is safe and try to put him back to bed, but do not awaken him or try to calm him, since he is probably sleeping.
You don’t believe that they would want you, when they could look for girls who come from standard frum homes, and parents who offer more.
Perhaps you really want to be frum, but it is hard for you right now because you don’t feel it as much as you want to, or as much as you feel that you have to.
You have been blessed. Hashem has offered you your zivug on the first try and the parts of ourselves that fight the brachos in our lives are trying to offer you doubt when there should only be joy.
My friend found out that one of my son’s rebbeim, who was close to him, insinuated that although he was a great boy with great middos, he was an average learner and would never amount to anything in the world of Torah.
Simply standing in place or talking only to those who approach you is not enough. Instead, make eye contact, smile, and engage anyone who seems exciting.
It appears that you are afraid of your own child. However, by doing nothing, you are hurting your son's ability to merit Olam HaBa.
Money can often be a source of discord in a marriage, and clear communication can help to circumvent any resentment or disagreement. This can be helped by immediately changing your view from "mine and yours" to "ours."
Right now you are going through a very difficult time-period and you are in a lot of pain, but in order to crawl out of this sadness it is important to focus on all of the good things you have in life, no matter how small they seem.
We are only able to control ourselves, our actions and our behaviors. We can encourage, prod, and plead, but ultimately, we are only responsible for our own conduct.
By Baruch Lytle
Our goal was always to tell authentic stories from people who are choosing to be Orthodox but grappling with things that are difficult, all while showcasing real human emotion.
If you think that your daughter has some social anxiety or some difficulties socially, it may be prudent to get her some professional help. Before getting help, see if you can talk to her about what is really going on.
While research does not guarantee that you will connect in person, it does give your heart and mind the peace of mind to pursue someone with excitement and genuine interest.
He wants you to reassure her that you care about her, but minimize your exposure to her.
Chemistry is certainly a vital component of a successful future with your spouse. However, a frum background and the way we date often means that chemistry does not happen in scene two or three but rather with effort and intent.
Although there are many men who still crave to enter the world of chinuch, there is sometimes a lack of middos in how the rebbeim are treated and this can filter down to the children.
You made a decision that still means something to you and he decided that he needs a different path. This is hard, it hurts, and it’s extremely upsetting.
I know that changing can be a slippery slope and I am afraid of falling. How do I continue to be happy in my marriage while maintaining my inner sense of modesty?
Are there girls who have everything? Are there girls that are smart, beautiful, kind, fun, and the “perfect” height? Sure!
I know of toxic situations where children had to cut off from their parents and this was advice they actually received from a Rav. This is generally not the norm.
You have not asked for sympathy, guidance or their opinion. Yet, you are not sure how you can stop the onslaught without calling more negative attention to yourself.
It is sad, but true, that many young girls fall in love with abusive boys and convince themselves that out of love these boys, as husbands, will treat them well.
You are happy with the way your dates have evolved, and may even have appreciated some advice from family along the way. Somewhere, though, boundaries were lost, and solicited opinions turned into a runaway train.
It is very possible that your children do not want to burden you more than necessary, so they wait till the very last minute to come.
I imagine that despite your best effort, you feel like you are failing to connect, and the more you worry about it, the more distant and disengaged you seem.
It is also imperative that you work hard to keep the spark in your marriage alive and that you always work on communication.
It would make you feel more secure before a date to go out with someone who has been vetted and approved of by your friends and family because they know her – and not because they called her high school principal from her resume.
Beyond the idealistic lens of TikTok and the like however, their marriages may be struggling, their children may live life in “time-out” chairs, and they may subsist on day-old takeout.
In marriage if you are more loving and giving, generally the cycle of the marriage interactions become completely different.
You are an adult and are free to make your own decisions. You also present valid points that you are welcome to share with your family as they may be saddened to hear that they have made you feel uncomfortable in your childhood home.
You somehow need to see this second relationship as another chapter in your life. This does not mean that the loving years that you shared with your first husband should ever be forgotten.
My husband is a total technology junkie. He has every gadget under the sun and Baruch Hashem for Shabbat since it's the only time that we actually eat and talk as a family.
As more of your friends got married, I am sure that an even greater portion of the planning fell of your shoulders, and you graciously took on the task. Yet, you feel slighted and hurt at your friends’ lack of involvement now that it’s finally your turn.
My heart breaks for my grandchild. My children are expecting another baby in a few months and I am so frantic with worry.
Feminism, uneven expectations, and societal pressure aside, the world at large is often more comfortable with the man being older than the woman. We get you.
Sometimes people feel that if someone accepts them then there is something wrong with that person.
Building up your self-confidence, your self-love, and your self-acceptance is paramount before you go on your first date.
I find it interesting that some people, like you... look at it as a device that gives them more independence to age at home. To others it reminds them of the fact that they’re aging and are vulnerable.
Listen to yourself and the emotion that you feel when you talk about her and do your best to imagine your future together. Can you picture her as a strong and loving partner?
In my opinion, he is reckless and self righteous to think that this is how depression can be cured. Does he begin to understand that over 90% of suicides were with people who were suffering from depression?
Your best friend got married last year. She was tremendously blessed to find her zivug during such a difficult time. She likely understands this and has made peace with the small wedding she had or has planned for bigger celebrations in the future.
Communicating will strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to each other if done correctly. Remember, stay positive, non confrontational, and use “I feel” messages so your husband doesn’t feel blamed at all.
You don’t need to fly anywhere of course if you don’t want to. Perhaps, though, you can take a moment to reflect on your unwillingness to travel outside of your comfort zone.
You mentioned reluctance to give up baking because of the connection it has brought to your marriage. Maybe you can channel that passion for food into something that is healthier for both of you.
August 14, 2026 
