July 17, 2026 Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
Failure to Launch
(The Jewish Press)
Dear Dating Coach,
My mother passed away when I was 11 and I have been helping to take care of my younger brothers since then. I am in a local seminary and would like to start dating next year, but it is pretty clear to me that my father has no idea how to help me and is not really willing to figure out how he could help. I feel so alone and sad as I see my friends start to discuss resumes and their “nervous mothers” and the many phone calls and meetings that they are setting up with shadchanim, and I know I will be left behind. I am 19 and I feel unprepared to advocate for myself. How will I ever date and get married?
Mother May I
Dear May, Beginnings are hard. A new job, a new school, a new place. We feel overwhelmed and unsure of the rules, the expectations, and our ability to be successful. The shidduch process is one such complicated new beginning that doesn’t offer a guidebook and parents work hard to navigate and advocate through this chapter. A child who doesn’t have that parent to support them through shidduchim can feel rudderless and alone. So, of course, you worry about being “left behind” as your friends feel the comfort of their mothers’ care as they embark on this journey. Certainly, a father can carry the weight of shidduchim for his child. Many fathers work diligently through this process alone or alongside their wives. You feel, however, that your father is unable or unwilling to manage shidduchim for you, leaving you without someone to support you through this. You worry about the research, the countless calls, and the connections that need to be made, and even the guidance you will need until you find your bashert.There Is No I in TEAM
It’s time to assemble a team. Mothers have the unique ability to manage many hats and their absence must often be filled by more than one person. Find the two women in your life who you trust, and who genuinely care about your well-being. This can be a family member (aunt, grandmother, etc.), a rebbetzin, or a very close family friend. They will be the ones to help you to create a resume, to reach out to shadchanim, and to offer guidance as you date. Lean on them, and allow yourself to accept their help. You are not supposed to do this alone. You will be a part of a team. You can also bolster your image and expand your circle by sharing meals with friends and neighbors, by attending community events, and by volunteering for local organizations. The more people who meet you and have a positive impression of you during this time, the more you propel your chances of them thinking about you and considering you for potential shidduchim. Behave with care, initiate acts of kindness, and quietly showcase your worth through your visibility. This is in your power and in your control. Be a presence, and people will remember you and offer their own suggestions. Navigating dating without your mother is difficult. There may be moments of importance while dating that make this even more painful. Please know that your loss will not impede your ability to be a good wife and a good mother. Your sensitivity will encourage shalom bayis and patience in the beautiful home that we hope you will build. We are rooting for you.
