Dear Dating Coach,
I am at the point in dating where I would like to join some Jewish dating sites. They all have profile questions to fill out, which I intend to answer with honesty and maybe a bit of help from ChatGPT. Then they all ask for pictures, and this is where my dilemma comes in. I want to maximize my chances of getting dates, so I want to post pictures that make me look my best. Some from when I weighed 20 pounds less and had more hair, others that have really good filters and maybe some from when I was five years younger. I’m a guy, and looks matter to me, so I have to assume women might scroll through my pictures before anything else. My married friend says this is unethical, but I just think he is an idealist. We agreed to ask you. So, what do you think?
Photoshop
Dear Photo,
Ethics are often murky. You added a skill set you don’t possess to your resume to get a job that you really needed. You cheated at game night and your team finally won. You took home some office supplies, but your office has a closet full. You spread that rumor about your neighbor, but everyone already thought they were terrible. You made a promise to a friend and bailed, but they probably understand. You always throw recycling in with the trash, but everyone knows it’s a scam anyway. You cheated on your assignment, but the teachers must make that assumption when they let you take the test at home. You definitely repeated what your colleague shared with you in confidence, but only to one person. That barely counts. Ethics are often murky, right?
Except, they are not.
White Lie…
Having strong ethical boundaries defines who we are and they are the foundation for every single encounter and task we face. So, while I was initially flummoxed (such a good word!) by your question because clearly it is unethical and only offers disappointing dates and disappointed daters, it led me to a more basic question: what about you? You want to post pictures that don’t portray the person you are today to attract as many dates as you can. You believe that “better” photos will have more people swipe right. You think that if they saw a more authentic representation, they might find flaws that will leave them uninterested. You worry that there will be some physical characteristic that they reject.
Half Truth…
But what about you? Do you also notice those flaws? Do they bother you? If they do, why don’t you take steps to change them? To better those “flaws” that you are worried about. If you think there is something that is unattractive about yourself, take the time to improve, to change, to get to a place where you feel fully confident with your outward appearance. And if you DON’T believe that there is something wrong with how you look, then you can be fully confident in posting authentic pictures that showcase the person you see every morning in the mirror.
Prevarication…
So, I encourage you to focus inward – to worry less about what others think about you, and more about what YOU think about YOU. Work on self-improvement from the inside out so that you can be sure that any picture you post portrays the confident and self-assured person that you are. That is what will attract the most women and lead to an honest and authentic connection.