July 24, 2026 Categories: Features / Marriage and Relationships
The Lottery
(The Jewish Press)
Dear Dating Coach,
I have only been dating girls who want to marry a long-time learner. It is very important to me to be able to learn full-time for a number of years after I get married. So far, the few girls that I dated all wanted this as well, and came from a similar lifestyle and background. A girl was just suggested to me who wants to marry someone who will learn long-term, but she comes from an absolutely different lifestyle. Her parents are very wealthy and I worry that if things worked out between us, there could be tension over money. My parents are excited about this shidduch because they know it would lift a huge financial burden now in the short term, and also in the long-term. What do you think?
Money Honey
Dear Money, My preschooler and Alexa have a complicated relationship. Sometimes Alexa is pleased and plays Shwekey or Benny and even shares a great joke. But sometimes Alexa feels like her head is going to explode after playing Baby Shark for the hundredth time. Alexa really doesn’t like that. She becomes so frustrated, (Doo Doo Doo Doo!), that she yells, “Turn that off!” (OK, that might not be Alexa. That might be someone else. Not sure who. Maybe, maybe, it’s me.) My preschooler, Alexa, and I usually agree and live in harmony. Just no Sharks, please. *No music has been harmed due to the writing of this article during Sefira. I get it. You are still interested to go out with a (lovely) girl who believes in the same commitment to learning that you do. Yet, you worry about your financial disparity. She is accustomed to a different lifestyle than you are. She grew up with vacations your family never took, and shopped in stores your family never went to, and lived in a house that your family could never afford. Regardless of her middos and good intentions, she will likely struggle in a lifestyle that doesn’t have that same financial ease. You also may worry about control. With parents who were able to contribute little or nothing at all, you would struggle financially, but you would likely not feel as accountable. To live more comfortably, or even better, in a way that she is used to, you would need to accept significant help and that often comes with strings attached. This is a decision you would need to make with your eyes wide open. If you met and were lucky enough to marry, you could expect both of your concerns to come to fruition. She is probably going to want to live with “more” than you need, and your in-laws’ generosity may include their preferences and choices for your future family. When someone pays tuition, it makes sense that they would have an opinion on the school your children went to. If they buy you a house, they might have a thought on the neighborhood it is in. So yes, there is truth to your concerns. However, it is impossible to romanticize long-term learning without the financial component. The stress of not being able to cover your tuition bill, to make your car payment, or pay your rent, cannot be dismissed. Money worries can damage and even destroy marriages. The anxiety over an overdue medical payment, or the need to borrow money for a simcha is also a burden to carry. Perhaps you would not have to answer to your in-laws, but you would certainly have to do with less. Notwithstanding that, both options depend greatly on the character and mentchlichkeit of your future in-laws. Those without can be extremely difficult without any financial support and those with can be a pleasure. And of course, vice versa. Life is a series of choices. Make one now based on the right partner who will walk with you through whatever life brings your way. Go out with her, and see if she is the right zivug for you. Then, together you can address the choices you will be blessed to make based on the path you feel is best for the family you hope to build together. The goal is shalom bayis, nachas, and a Torah life; and that will always depend most on the trust, respect, and love you have for one another.
