Categories: Featured / Marriage and Relationships
Same Book, Different Page
Dear Dating Coach,
I met a girl at a work event. We crossed paths because of our jobs and spoke a few times during the night. Since then, I cannot get her out of my head. I want to see if she would be willing to go out with me. I carefully broached this with her, and she seemed to be interested. I asked my parents to look into her, but they were told that she is much less religious than I am. I know that we clicked and I felt like we had things in common. I am really interested in seeing if this could be something, but my parents think I am wasting my time since we are not on the same page religiously. I feel like she might want to grow in that direction, and I could potentially be ok with her working toward that. I think we should at least try. What do you think?
Single Spark
Dear Spark, I discovered that I have recently become a part of the Shabbos subgroup, FOF, when I refused a delicious looking bowl of cholent at a kiddush. It smelled divine. I knew it would taste amazing. But my FOF flared up and refused to let me dig in. Instead, I grabbed a plate of fruit and some salads and reminded myself why I needed to stay strong. I know you probably relate. FOF is prevalent in many Jewish communities and has no mercy for the kiddush buffet. I nibbled on my cantaloupe and repeated the sacred FOF mantra, “Pizza, pizza, pizza.” It was not easy, and it’s a weight I carry. But Fear of Fleishig is real, and I lived to fight one more day.Meant to Be, or Not Meant to Be…
This is hard. You met someone by chance. You were not looking to be difficult or to meet someone out of your preferred hashkafic circle, but you did. You liked her and she liked you. You felt a spark. Now, you want to date her, but have learned that she is not in the same religious place as you. Not at all. You are open to seeing where this might go anyway, because it is not every day that you feel a real connection. Perhaps she will change. Maybe she is open to religious growth. Even if she isn’t, you believe that this could potentially work with some negotiation and healthy communication. Your family disagrees. But they weren’t there. They didn’t feel what you felt. Maybe this could be right.That Is the Question.
I believe that you made a connection. Certainly, that you felt a spark. I know that when we see potential, when we see beauty and possibilities, we tell ourselves that we can “figure this out.” We convince ourselves that we need to look beyond the logistics and the minutiae to focus on the “bigger picture,” and the chance for long-term happiness. It is true that we often need to overlook the “small stuff” for the greater good. Unfortunately, shared hashkafa is a central component to a happy marriage. When two people get married, they need to merge personalities, households, educations, and long-held beliefs. They need to combine life stories, cleaning habits, money management, minhagim, and toothbrush holders. This is already complicated. It is essential that a couple share Torah values and be completely on the same page for what their home will look like religiously. This will affect every aspect of their future, from how they set up their home, to how they raise their children, to how they communicate with one another. It is foolish to believe that you can make two different religious values work side by side. Instead, your marriage will face disagreements and cracks as you are unable to navigate life on two different paths. This might smell good to you now, but it’s not the right choice. Everyone is on their own beautiful journey, but the partner you choose must be willing to ride alongside you for the greatest chance at peace and harmony.
