September 4, 2026 Categories: In Print / Marriage and Relationships
Miss Money
Dear Dating Coach,
I grew up in a family where money was scarce. We certainly didn’t have a nice house, or a fancy car (or any car). We never went anywhere on vacation, and wore second-hand clothing and uniforms. We moved from apartment to apartment when we couldn’t pay our rent. During especially tight times, my parents struggled to put food on the table and I spent many nights feeling hungry. My father tried his best, but still tends to go from one job to another, never staying long enough to ask for a raise or to prove himself to be invaluable to any employer. He always has some reason for leaving, and he never listened and still doesn't listen to reason. I know that people talk about him and my family in a less than positive way. Yet, I have worked so hard to be the best version of myself. I did well in school, I am a good friend, I constantly work on myself, and I make sure I always look nice. I have done everything I can to have a “good name,” and thankfully, now that I am dating, I hope it will encourage families to consider me despite my unstable background. I want to tell shadchanim that I want someone who is financially stable so that I don’t have to worry about repeating my childhood. I have been told that this is wrong, but it is very important to me that I marry someone successful and who I know will have a high-paying job. This matters so much to me. Why is this wrong to say?
Looking For Mr. Rich
Dear Looking,
We have a problem. My child wants to go camping. Like desperately. There is talk of tents and campfires. We (I) are not camping people. Yes, judgmental outdoor enthusiasts, we DO like nature and trees, but we do not like bugs, sleeping on the ground, or the sound of wildlife in the middle of the night. My child, however, is on a mission to make this happen. There is a plea for fishing on this still-fictional camping trip. This would require me to touch bait (worms!) put it through a hook, wait endlessly by a body of water, and then gut, clean, and cook a fish over a campfire that I do not know how to build. This is certainly NOT my skill set. But then I started thinking of all the lessons camping might offer and I have found myself starting to relent. Isn’t there that famous saying, “Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day, teach your child to go camping, and you never have to go camping again in your life?”
Salmon
Thank you for your letter. Your upbringing left you constantly worried about money. You felt the lack of financial stability in so many aspects of your life and can’t bear to repeat the cycle. This makes you think that you should only date people who come from money, or who have some type of set financial plan, perhaps through a lucrative career or business that they can join. You don’t understand why this might be unreasonable considering your background and your father’s inability to provide fully for his family.
Tuna
It is not wrong for you to look for a guy who has a solid plan for the future. It is not wrong for you to look for someone who cares deeply about doing whatever it takes to provide for his family. It is not wrong for you to look for a person who is emotionally stable and diligent. Unfortunately, we cannot predict the future. Perhaps your future husband’s business suffers a set-back, or he loses his job at his medical practice, or he decides he no longer loves the lucrative job he has. There are so many factors that surround your future husband’s parnassah. You, however, still have control over your finances. Take ownership over your money concerns. Go to school, get a degree that ensures a healthy income, and know that you will be able to take care of yourself. Don’t just rely on your spouse to alleviate the financial anxiety you carry, as you have the power to be a powerful earner as well. This is what will allow you to feel safe. We hope that you will marry someone who can carry the financial weight of your family, but having your own career, your own skills, and your own paycheck, will make you the girl who knows “how to fish,” to ensure a positive and stable future.
