Dear Dating Coach,
I am trying to decide where to go for Yom Tov that would increase my chances in shidduchim. I am in my mid-twenties and I know that I need to work a bit harder to meet my match. My parents think I should be with them in Israel, my siblings think I should go to a ‘program,’ and my single friends think I should travel with them for Sukkos. I want to get married, and I guess I could be ok with any of those options, so which do you think is best?
Travel Plans
Dear Travel,
I once went to a fair that had very high slides attached to one another. One was blue, one was red and one was yellow. After I climbed the steps to the top, I was handed a ragged small rug to sit on to race the other sliders to the bottom. We would try to calculate which slide offered the best chance of winning. Was it the red with three humps till the bottom, or the yellow that had a steep drop? Was it the blue that curved? Or perhaps it was the rider herself who influenced the ride, with her body, determination, and verve? We climbed as fast as we could, and tried every slide again and again, determined to form our own slide case study. Yet, at the end, all we knew for sure is that we each made it to the bottom, where we raced happily to the next attraction.
Man Plans
Thank you for reaching out. Your friends and family care about you deeply. They want to help you to feel proactive in your dating choices. They have all offered helpful/not helpful suggestions for the opportunities that they feel would suit you best. You are determined to make the right choice but too many choices have muddled the dating waters, with confusion rather than the clarity you hoped for.
G-d Decides
I appreciate your willingness to put in the work. You are happy to do the “right thing.” You just don’t know what that is anymore. Should you travel to Israel with your parents? Perhaps your zivug is at the Citadel’s sukkah waiting for you? Maybe he will stop at your table with his parents and they will get along perfectly? Wait! What if you chose the wrong hotel and he is in the Waldorf? What if they rented an Airbnb? That won’t work. Too many options. Maybe it is better to go to a program. Surely your future chosson could be at KMR? You picture yourself reaching for some Yerushalmi kugel at the 24-hour tearoom for a post, post, post-dinner snack, as he reaches for some cholent. But why is he up so late? Maybe he doesn’t keep seder? That can’t be a good match for you. A program might not be the right choice after all. Traveling with friends sounds like fun. What a perfect meet-cute to share at your sheva brachos. You met in Guatemala, no, Panama, no, Mexico. Why is he in Mexico? Does this mean he is at odds with his family? Why isn’t he with them? Is he going to want to live somewhere exotic, like Connecticut? Definitely too “out of town.” Traveling, is probably not the best idea after all.
In all seriousness, we can play this game all day (it’s fun) and plan for Hashem. But in the end, the choice you will make will be the right choice for the right time. Choose the option that speaks to you, and that feels good. Then be fully present and enthusiastic wherever you end up with the determination to make new connections. We don’t know Hashem’s plan but we can show up completely and authentically wherever we are, whenever we are there. The goal is to get to the bottom of the slide; the right one is not always clear. Give every slide your all and you will succeed.