Dear Dating Coach,
I am a brand-new dater. I don’t have any older brothers or sisters and my whole family will be entering this new stage for the first time. I want to be smart and I want to do my best to date with focus and determination. I also want to find someone amazing, while being realistic. Everyone thinks I am just young and idealistic but I really just want clear guidance. How can I be a successful dater from the start?
Newbie
Dear Newbie,
Thank you for your letter. I think you are absolutely right to prepare for this new dating chapter. There are three important things to remember in order to date with the greatest of intention and purpose. Spoiler alert: They all end in Y.
Humility
Everyone who is dating must take the time to evaluate their humility. While self-confidence is key, the ability to be humble is vital. We need every dater to feel self-assured and self-possessed. We want daters to feel good about who they are and the beautiful qualities that they have. We need them to really love themselves. And yet, we need them to remember humility. This means that there will ALWAYS be someone dating who is smarter, prettier, wealthier, or cleverer. Look in the mirror and value what you see but leave your ego behind. Do not look down on the possibilities that are offered to you and assess every suggestion with real appreciation and care. Humility matters and it reminds daters to focus on creating a successful future with someone who they can connect with fully and completely. (Rather than someone who will impress people from your shul.)
Objectivity
It is important to maintain your objectivity while dating. This can be especially difficult when an issue arises, so it is valuable to have someone you trust, who can be the voice of objectivity if you cannot. This can be a parent, a wise friend, a rav or rebbetzin, or a dating coach. There are times that daters become lost in the minutiae and get bogged down by details that don’t matter. They become emmeshed in a storyline that only they see or worried over something so easily and readily changeable. Objectivity can make or break a shidduch and having someone to help guide you through the moments when you can’t see past your own thoughts is incredibly important.
Clarity
A dater needs to know who they are and what they want. They need to know what matters to them most in a partner. They need to know when to continue dating and when to walk away. They need to be able to see if the person they have connected with elevates who they are or devalues who they are. Clarity is hard while dating, but without it, shidduchim become mired in confusion with daters who do not belong together. Take the time to clarify what you need more than anything and then allow yourself to truly see your date through that lens. This will allow you to move forward with purpose because the focus becomes so clear. Clarity is a gift that changes how you date. Focus on humility, objectivity, and clarity and with Hashem’s help, your dating journey should be smooth.