Dear Dating Coach,
I was dating a good guy. We went out three times and it was fine. There is nothing offensive about him and there were no glaring red flags. He was polite and on time. But he did not talk! It felt like pulling teeth and I was losing my mind. Everyone kept telling me he was nervous or shy and to give him another chance, so I did. Three! But I am done. I just can’t live the rest of my life in a one-sided conversation! The shadchan thinks I was too hasty, but I refuse to go out with him again. Am I making a mistake in saying “no?”
Two-Way Street
Dear Street,
Buffets are always a little unsettling. A place where the food seems to question its life choices and sneezes seem to blanket every tray. The mashed potatoes look like they have seen things and felt things, and someone is always using the tongs like it’s their first day with hands. (Worse, there is usually someone who thinks those tongs are optional!) Yet despite the questionable hygiene and chaotic choices, I love a buffet, and the chance to pick exactly what I want.
I Once Told a Chemistry Joke…
Thank you for reaching out. You went out a few times with a guy who didn’t mess up. He didn’t say anything rude, or inappropriate. He didn’t dismiss your dreams, or short change the server. He dressed the part and behaved with decorum. Oh, and he didn’t talk. OK, maybe he talked a little. We have to assume he wasn’t mute through three dates, but he was very very very quiet. He answered questions limitedly, he responded to direct sentences, and he probably said thank you to the valet when they brought the car around. You struggled through the dates to make real conversation and while at first you were willing to concede that this may be shyness or reticence, you quickly found it to be too much silence. Now you are feeling some backlash from saying “no” when there wasn’t a glaring flaw.
There Was No Reaction
The beauty of dating is our ability to measure if a connection can be made. So much of this is done through research and information gleaned before we even meet. But the actual date allows us to see if the match made on paper can translate to chemistry and a lasting relationship. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with him. You might even “make sense” as a couple when you write it all down. But in person, personalities did not align, and everything felt forced and uncomfortable.
While all daters must do their best to offer conversation and real dialogue, I assure you that when the right person goes out with him, they will think he is earnest, a great listener, and so beautifully serious. Just like someone super outgoing can be full of energy, positivity, and fun, or exhausting, loud, and overwhelming. Someone highly academic can be a genius, interesting, and smart, or boring, arrogant, and single-minded. A person who is really funny can be the life of the party, a joy to be around, and clever. Or to some, attention-seeking, unable to focus, and silly. It’s all really chemistry and the unique way that we feel and connect with others. We see and experience people differently and that’s a gift. This way we form a real bond with people who compliment and suit us, and who bring out our best as we do the same for them. He is not the right guy for you, and that’s OK. We want to sparkle for our partners and when the chemistry is right, the relationship will shine.