A Dating Guide for Newbies

Dear Dating Coach,

I just got home from seminary, and I am ready to jump into dating. I am the oldest in my family, and we are all sort of figuring out this chapter together. I know there is no magic potion for dating, but there must be some things I can do to maximize who I date and how I date. Would love some advice on how to do this right.

Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Let’s do this!

Recalculating…

Before anything “dating,” you need to take the time to self-reflect (and correct). We don’t get married hoping our partner will “complete us,” or “fix us,” or remove any insecurities we carry. Before you go on “date one,” you need to make sure you are healthy and secure. Self-growth needs to happen before you start dating. Take this time to self-evaluate. Are you happy with who you are and the path you are taking? Do you have good relationships? Are you able to manage your responsibilities and complete the goals you have set for yourself? Getting married is not a solution or an escape from the issues we battle. You need to be “whole” and complete so that you can meet someone in kind who will complement who you are, rather than “finish” who you would like to become. This is step one.

Help Wanted…

Now, it is time to assemble a team of sorts. You need to create a clear and concise resume, reach out to a few shadchanim, and find a trusted and wise confidant who can objectively guide you through any questions during this process. You need to let your friends and family know that you are ready to date so that they can peripherally assist you as well. You need to keep this circle tight and small. We want lots of people to know that you would like to date and that you are open to the possibilities they can offer you. However, we don’t want you to filter your dates or the advice you need from thirty of your “closest friends.” You need to streamline who you share with and seek guidance from a (very) small circle that you trust. Surround yourself with opportunity. Market yourself to the best of your ability by making sure your outward appearance is pleasing and appropriate. Volunteer or attend community events so that new people can meet you and think of you in shidduchim. Push yourself socially and expand your circle to include potential new dating opportunities. Be mindful of who you are and what your values are, and present yourself in a way that expresses them. Your team, your look, and your circle will define and dictate the dates that you go on.

Livin’ on a Prayer…

Finally, while you will do your best to date with intention, humility, and enthusiasm, we know that Hashem runs the world. You need to daven for a smooth path toward your bashert and clarity through this process. You need to do everything you can to maximize your growth and your path toward a chuppah, but you must always cloak every thought and task with emunah and prayer. Take the time to self-reflect and correct, build your team, and daven your way toward the right person for you. You’ve got this.