Dear Dating Coach,
I just said no to another girl because I felt she didn’t match me intellectually and now the shadchan has accused me of being picky. I don’t think I am picky. I am specific. I am careful. Yes, I have gone out with lots of girls at this point but there was always a valid reason why it couldn’t work. I don’t want to make a mistake, and I definitely don’t want to “settle.” But there is a part of me that worries that I still haven’t found that right girl. How do I make sure that I am absolutely not being picky?
Guy with a Goal
Dear Goal,
Purim is over. Put away those costumes until next year. Or better yet, start deciding what to wear right now. It seems, I have learned, that it takes a full-year to decide on a costume. There are just sooo many options and apparently choosing the wrong one is life-altering. (It is not. Literally no one cares if you are a magician or a fireman. Not even actual magicians or firemen.) But in our house, choosing mattered a lot. Doctors get to wear masks, but their masks are not as cool as ninja masks. Pilots fly planes, but astronauts…I feel like you are starting to get the picture. Oh! Maybe a photographer?! Seriously. Just pick now. We have 11 months and three weeks to decide. Hopefully that is enough time.
Slim Pickings
You are a good guy. You are not trying to be difficult or “picky.” You believe being choosy protects your future and nothing is more important than that. At some point, every single boy or girl who has dated longer than a year has heard the dreaded, “Maybe you are too picky.” from someone invested in their shidduch process. Usually delivered with love, sometimes with concern, and well, at times, mild panic. So, we are forced to confront our dating history and say, “Is this all my fault?” If only I wanted less, felt less, or needed less, I would be married by now.
Mr. Selective vs Mr. Discriminating
Picky makes daters sound shallow. She wouldn’t go out again because he wore ugly shoes or she ordered too much, or she keeps saying “like” at the start of every sentence. Or perhaps we are hiding behind “standards.” He is not the height you want, he is not outgoing enough, or you want more pizzaz. You want the fireworks of a rom-com and to be dazzled by his generosity and personality. This is discriminating. This is you living in your comfort zone and limiting yourself. But for many, we believe that “picky” means saying “no” when you don’t feel respected or safe. When you notice a glaring character flaw or a lack of drive to accomplish anything and everything. When you can’t find anything to talk about or you find his personality off-putting. That is being selective. That is paying attention. So, take a moment to decide which description fits you best.
If you are walking away from someone because they lack integrity, they are dismissive, or immature, you are being selective. But if you are dismissing someone kind, stable, and generous, you might want to reassess. If you are lucky enough to date someone you respect, with a good character, with whom you feel happy, take the time to build on your relationship so that you can allow attraction and love to flourish. Give yourself the space to grow together with gentle guidance and a willingness to find happiness with someone you may have dismissed too soon. Picky or Picky? Which one are you?