Dear Dating Coach,
I started dating someone new a few weeks ago. We have gone out a few times (5) and I have really enjoyed our dates so far. But something has been bothering me. When I am not with him, and when we are in between dates, I really don’t think about him at all. I work and I am in school and I spend time with my friends and siblings. My life is pretty busy and full. I just don’t find myself daydreaming about him during those times. Does this mean that I don’t like him? Does this mean we are not progressing? Everyone I ask (my parents, my sisters!) all have another opinion, and it’s starting to mess with my head. I want to continue dating him, and I feel like we connect when we are together, but that’s really it. What do I do?
Dating Dreamer
Dear Dreamer,
I know this has happened to you – you get up with absolute purpose because you need something very specific, a crucial item, something your entire existence suddenly depends on. You walk into the room like you mean business, fully focused, mid-mission, and then…nothing. The second you step inside your brain just quietly shuts off and takes the memory with it. The item is gone, the need is gone, even the urgency feels a little embarrassed for having been there at all. Now you’re just standing there, opening random drawers like you might jog something, trying to piece together why you arrived so confidently two seconds ago. You kind of wander around, hoping the room will remind you, but it offers nothing. And of course, the second you leave, it all comes rushing back – clear as day – so you have no choice but to turn around and do the whole dramatic entrance again, rebooting yourself, praying your brain doesn’t hit “forget” the second your foot crosses the doorway.
You Must Be Tired…
I hear this question a lot! The mind is a complicated place! You like him when you are with him, so why don’t you think about him when you are not?! Maybe you should be replaying the dates in your head as you dissect what you both said and what that might mean. Or perhaps you should think of him with stars in your eyes as you doodle his name in a notebook surrounded by hearts and flowers. You are enjoying your time together, shouldn’t he be “present” in your time apart?
You’ve Been Running Through My Mind All Day!
This is very common. Sometimes you are just not in a relationship mode (especially early on) between dates and your brain naturally shifts back to your regular life (routines, work, family, etc.) when you are not with him. This can feel like “I’m not thinking about him” but it might just mean that you’re grounded, healthy, and have no need to obsess. More so, you might not be in the emotional space yet to think of him that often. You are just pacing yourself and slowly building a connection that doesn’t yet warrant that mind-space in between dates.
Daters who are constantly thinking of their dates when they are not with them might be anxious about their connection, or might be overly infatuated too quickly. Instead ask yourself how you feel when you are with him, and if during those times you feel excited and happy to be spending time with him. If you do feel a connection on your dates and enjoy your time with him, trust yourself and the process, and allow yourself to work toward building a real and solid relationship that will naturally fill your mind and your heart with positivity.