Haste Makes Waste

In the fifth perek of Pirkei Avos (5:9), we are introduced to a type of person described as a golem. Literally, this is a very derogatory word which means a “clod.” However, I do not believe this is the intent of the Tanna, the author of the Mishna. He contrasts the golem with a chacham, a wise person, so I think golem in this context is more accurately defined as an unfinished person.

In the Tractate of Keilim, there is discussion about golmei keilim, unfinished utensils. So too, the golem in Pirkei Avos describes a person who is rough around the edges, someone who has not taken the steps to refine himself. In the olden days, young people were sent to what were called “finishing schools,” to become gentlemen and refined young ladies.

The Mishna then goes on to describe seven traits that show that a person is still an unfinished product. I want to zoom in on one of these traits, which is nivhal l’hashiv, one who is quick to answer. The underdeveloped person does not think before answering. He or she has not cultivated the art of deliberating before reacting.

There is a fascinating Kli Yakar. He points out that the term vayorev, to fight, is used exclusively in topics concerning water. Both when it says, “Vayorev ha’am im Moshe – The nation fought with Moshe,” and also in the episode of maaseh meriva, the trial of fighting, relate to a lack of water. So too, when Yitzchak fought with the Plishtim, it was over be’airos, wells of water. The Kli Yakar attributes this phenomenon to the fact that the first ever division was when Hashem divided the upper waters and the lower waters on the second day of Creation, and since that was the first “fight,” it doesn’t say the word “good” about this day of Creation.

While this is a nifty connection by the Kli Yakar, it doesn’t explain what fighting has to do with water. I believe the answer is in the actual nature of water. Water is on the move; it’s not stable. This is exactly what Yaakov, on his deathbed, chastised Reuven about. He told Reuven, “Pachaz kamayim al tosar – You are hasty like water,” and therefore you won’t excel. Yaakov revealed to Reuven, “Yeser s’eis v’yeser oz,” as my firstborn, you were supposed to be the kohen and the king, but you lost it all because of your impetuousness. This is the aforementioned characteristic of the golem, nivhal l’hashiv: he was quick to answer.

This leads to fights. In Hebrew, a small fight is known as a riv; a major feud is known as a m’rivah. What’s the difference in the letters and the spelling between the words riv and m’rivah? The difference is the letter mem at the beginning and the hei at the end of m’rivah. Mem and hei spell the word mah, meaning “what.” Mah has the gematria of 45, the same gematria as the word adam, man. If you let your ego, your substance, your “mah” get involved, it becomes a conflagration.

There is a famous verse, “Toleh eretz al blimah.” Literally this points to the miracle that the earth seems to be suspended in space upon nothingness. There is no pedestal and no support underneath it. The Gemara homiletically offers another interpretation: The world survives upon those who are, “Boleim piv b’shas m’rivah,” those who shut their mouths in times of quarrel. Thus, the chacham, the finished person, has learned from the mistake of Reuven and in a heated moment restrains himself from responding rashly.

This is not just a nice trick. The Gemara says that these people are the pillars of the world. This skill is considered so essential that the Gemara in Eruvin says, “Mah um’noso shel adam b’olam hazeh? Ya’aseh atzmo k’ileim – What’s a person’s profession in this world? Learn how to make yourself like a mute.” One must train, sometimes for years, to have a profession and even more years to become proficient in it. The Gemara points out that it’s worthwhile studying for years to master how to keep your mouth shut in a time of confrontation. (I want to clarify that this doesn’t mean that one should bottle up frustration and never talk about it because then the result could be catastrophic. Things would boil up inside until they explode like a nuclear bomb.)

Take note that the Mishna does not say, “Ein l’hashiv,” do not answer. It says, “V’eino nivhal l’hashiv – To not be hasty to answer.” Also, it doesn’t use the more usual term, “V’eino l’maheir l’hashiv – Don’t be fast to answer.” Rather, it says, “V’eino nivhal l’hashiv.” The word nivhal comes from the word be’hala, chaos, a state of confusion. Don’t answer when you’re in an “emotional state of mind.”

I think we can use the rule I once heard from the late Telzer Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Chaim Dov Keller, zt”l, zy”a: If something will not bother you three hours from now, just be quiet and forget about it. If, however, the issue is of a more lasting nature, you must discuss it at a time when everyone is more level-headed and not so defensive.

I also want to point out that while the Gemara touts the gevurah, the inner might of keeping quiet, there can be even more elevated responses. If one is capable not to answer in be’hala, in a frenzied emotion, one can live up to the level of, “U’lshon chachamim marpeh – The tongue of the wise is healing.” Saying something like, “Right now, I might not be seeing this clearly,” or “You know, I can see your side a little bit as well,” or even, if warranted, saying two simple words like, “I’m sorry,” can work wonders.

It’s also good to remember this sage advice: “I’d rather be happy than be right.” It is easy to write these words, but implementing them is one of life’s greatest challenges. Still, doing so can literally make the difference between a harmonious home and a hostile abode.

This is so important that three times a day at the end of the Shemoneh Esrei, we ask Hashem for assistance in this very skill. We pray, “V’limkal’l’ai nafshi sidom, v’nafshi ke’afor lakol tih’yeh – To those who curse me (or take me lightly), let me be quiet and let my soul be like earth to everyone.” This doesn’t mean that people should treat us like dirt. Rather, Tosefos explains, “If people step on me, I shouldn’t react, just like the earth doesn’t exclaim when people trod upon it.”

(Starting next week! I’d like to share with my dear readers that my wife, Mrs. Shoshy Weiss, LCSW-R, is, b’ezras Hashem, giving a six-week zoom course starting July 7, 2026, on “IFS for Women.” You are invited to listen to a pre-recorded message at 732.661.8280 explaining the course. To register or find out more, please call or text 845.270.3699, or check out her website at shoshyweissifstherapist.com.)

In the merit of exercising self-control, may Hashem bless us with long life, good health, and everything wonderful.

Rabbi Moshe Meir Weiss will come to your community for speaking and/or scholar-in-residence weekends. Call Rabbi Weiss at 718.916.3100. Weekly live Chumash shiur is Wednesday and Thursday nights, usually around 9:30 pm. Join live or via ZoomDaf.com with meeting code 7189163100 and password RMMW (all caps). Nightly live Daf Yomi followed by the Mishnah Yomis Sunday through Thursday at 9:10 pm, and motzei Shabbos at 10:45 pm (EDT) on ZoomDaf.com, Kol Haloshon, Torahanytime.com and YouTube.com. Contact Rav Weiss for sponsorships, weekly CD or emailed mp3, at RMMWSI@aol.com or call 718.916.3100. Transcribed and edited by Shelley Zeitlin.