Helping Children Navigate Sadness and Uncertainty

Q: We’ve had a lot of blessings in our lives, baruch Hashem. That said, there have been some times that are difficult – grandparents passing away and even just the regular troubling news. How do should I as a parent tell my children about these difficult times?

A: There are approaches that might allow children to work out their complicated emotions surrounding the death of a loved one. In addition, there are tragedies and losses that are closer or farther from home: terrorist attacks, children losing parents at young ages, and economic situations that force children out of their childhood homes. As with all misfortunes and heartbreaks, people react differently.

Dr. Norman N. Blumenthal, the Director of Bereavement and Crisis Intervention Services at Chai Lifeline, suggests the following suggestions when dealing with loss:

Though prompt notification is ideal, make sure you have digested and incorporated the news yourself. Children, in scary situations, scan the adults’ facial expressions, tone, and other forms of non-verbal communication for assurances of safety. A distraught adult can say all the right things and yet undo it all by appearing markedly distressed themselves.

Be truthful even if it is painful. In such tenuous situations, children sense gaps in the story or can begin to mistrust their parents if they find out later that information has been concealed or distorted. As in no time before, children have access to abundant information and feel entitled to know that which, in the past, they would have accepted as outside the rubric of what they should know.

Being truthful doesn’t mean that you have to over-inform or treat children like little adults. Read your child’s responses and stop when you sense that they know enough or have as much information as they can tolerate. At that point, let your child know that you are always available for more questions or assurances. For instance, when dealing with terrorist attacks, children might want to know the overall picture, but too many details could produce trauma.

Children may have a delayed reaction to the news or appear more upset hours or even days later. It sometimes takes time to digest or comprehend the magnitude of what happened and there can be cycles of responses. Just because they seem okay initially, don’t assume that they will not need to talk to you later once they have processed the news.

If it is news that has direct bearing on the family, the child may be more comfortable talking to a teacher, neighbor or someone more removed and with whom they don’t have to worry about upsetting further. This is no detraction to the parent and his or her effectiveness. Feeling insulted that your child chooses to speak to someone else is counterproductive. In fact, the child might simply feel that he is protecting you and himself when he speaks to a trusted person outside of the family. This should be especially taken into account when dealing with the death of a child’s parent. Perhaps the child needs support from outside the immediate grieving family.

In untoward or trying circumstances, there is no harm in a child seeing contained crying and distress. Nevertheless, it should be clarified to the child that this crying is not like those of a baby or young child and actually helps the adults feel better. Your child can know that you feel pain – this will give them license to feel pain as well. Explaining that changing your lifestyle because of economic circumstances is hard for you will help your child understand that it is okay for him or her to feel that way as well

Give the child outlets and means for managing the distressing news. This can include talking, crying, coloring, davening and the like. Support your children through this process of grief through understanding that each will react in their own unique way.

Remember that children are not brittle or China dolls. They have enormous resilience and capacity to let the adults in their lives know what they need. Obsessive worry about a child can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and breed the very outcome you dread.rifka