Categories: In Print / Parenting Our Children

Parents' Role in Homework

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September 28, 2025, 9 AM ET

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Q: If my son’s teacher can’t get him to do his homework, is it my job? Shouldn’t homework be reinforced by the teacher? Should I be giving consequences? Is that really a parent’s domain?

A: If parents think they are off the hook in terms of motivating their children, they are mistaken. This challenging task is just too overwhelming for one group to tackle on its own. You simply can’t expect a teacher or a rebbe with thirty students in a class to focus on motivating each one of them individually. Rather, parents should work together with the staff and administration in motivating their children to achieve.

Richard Lavoie’s monumental work The Motivation Breakthrough offers suggestions to parents on how to motivate children for success. Let us review these and consider how we can incorporate them into our own families’ lives.

Success is the greatest motivator. Recognize, reinforce, and celebrate the child’s successes and progress – even small victories.
Have you ever seen a child rush to his mother to show her a ninety on a test, while she waves him away because she is on the phone? How many times do we dismiss our children’s accomplishments without giving them the praise they deserve? Sooner or later, these children will not bother to show off their good grades. And what’s worse, they’ll retain the subliminal message that nobody really cares whether they do well or not. So why bother?
When reviewing a test or report card with a child, always comment first on the positive aspects.

Like many parents of struggling students, you hold your breath when your child hands you her report card. Then you scan it quickly, searching for any “red flags,” such as failing grades or negative comments. Once you’ve determined whether there are “issues” or not, it’s important to try and focus on the good. Your child is, of course, holding her breath also. A positive response from you will bolster her ego and motivate her to try harder next time. Later, when you are both relaxed, you can discuss ways of making any necessary changes.

Avoid comparing the child to his or her siblings. This breeds resentment and anger, not motivation.

In our community, with its many large families, very often a rebbe or a teacher will be privileged to teach several siblings of one family. If “big brother” is a super-achiever, most likely his younger brothers have heard the refrain “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Parents must avoid the impulse to do the same thing. Children are keenly aware of how much their siblings are achieving. They know that their sister was chosen to be the star of the production or that their brother has merited to be Talmid HaShana. They are already struggling with mixed emotions of envy and pride. Don’t add to the jealousy and the resentment. Instead, focus on each child’s special qualities, even hiring private instructors to develop extracurricular talents when necessary.

Be a good role model.

Participate in activities such as Torah learning, chesed, askanus, hachnasas orchim, etc. Maintain a Torahdike home. Never expect more from your children than you do from yourself.

Show your children that you care about their chinuch and education. Speak positively about their yeshiva and its hanhala, because – believe me – your children are listening to your every word. If you have “issues” with the way certain things are handled, deal with these when the children are out of earshot. Nothing kills motivation faster than a disgruntled parent. The subliminal message is – “This school is not worth any of my efforts.”
Do not tell a child that an upcoming task will be “easy” when in fact it will be challenging.