Pieces of Me

Dear Dating Coach,

I’m dating someone I really connect with and genuinely like. Everything between us has been wonderful. He has been kind, thoughtful, respectful, and I’m really enjoying getting to know him. But I recently heard from someone who once worked with him on a specific work project that they had an extremely difficult time dealing with him. Now, even though my own experience with him has been so positive, I can’t seem to get that story out of my head. I keep wondering if I’m seeing only the good because I like him so much, and whether I’m ignoring a red flag that I should be paying attention to.

Incident Report

Dear Report,

Let’s talk about Rubik’s Cubes. A Rubik’s Cube has approximately 43 quintillion (yes, that’s a real number!) possible combinations, which is an absolutely insane number of ways to make six colors become your personal enemy. There are people who can solve one in four seconds. FOUR SECONDS. I can barely remember where I parked my car, and this person is over here solving a Rubik’s Cube before I have even processed that they started. Meanwhile, the rest of us twist one side, make a face that looks promising, twist another side, and suddenly we have managed to turn the entire thing into a crime scene. You can spend 45 minutes working on it, become emotionally attached to one tiny blue corner, and then accidentally destroy everything you accomplished because you turned the wrong piece ONE TIME. And then there’s always some child nearby who picks it up, barely looks at it, casually twists it around like they’re defusing a bomb, and solves it while you stand there wondering if you have any intellectual abilities whatsoever. At that point, you don’t even want to solve the cube. You want to throw it away and start over with a coloring book.

People Are Like Onions. They Have Layers.

Your concern makes complete sense. You really like this person, you feel a genuine connection, and then suddenly someone hands you a piece of information that doesn’t fit with the picture you’ve been forming. Of course, you are going to wonder whether you are overlooking something. When we really like someone, we don’t want our excitement to make us blind to something important. You are not wrong for taking the story seriously. You are trying to make sure you’re being thoughtful rather than simply hopeful.

But there’s a big difference between not ignoring a red flag and deciding that something is a red flag. People are incredibly multifaceted. Someone can be demanding, intense, stubborn, or difficult in one environment and be completely different in another. Work can bring out a very specific side of a person, especially during a stressful project, when deadlines, personalities, responsibilities, and pressure are all involved. You don’t know exactly what happened in that situation, and you don’t know the context. The person’s experience may be completely valid, but it is still only one experience of one version of this person.

So don’t dismiss what you heard, but don’t let it become the judge and jury either. Take it as information, not a verdict. Keep dating him. Keep observing. Pay attention to how he treats you, how he handles frustration, how he responds when things don’t go his way, how he treats people who can’t do anything for him, how he communicates when there’s a disagreement, and whether you consistently feel respected and safe being yourself around him. Give yourself enough time and enough experiences with him so that you’re not making your decision based on either the glowing version you see on dates or the upsetting version someone else described from one work project. Ultimately, you’re not dating the person from that work project. You are dating the person you are getting to know now. Listen to what others tell you, take it seriously, but then trust your eyes, your experiences, and your judgment.