For several weeks now I have been writing about the tragic disintegration we see in many of our families. This situation very often follows the demise of parents or grandparents and involves inheritance issues.
In our materialistic society money can be a blessing or a curse. When money is used to enhance and strengthen family life and to bring members of a mishpacha together, then indeed it can be a unifying force. But when money is born in the cradle of greed and nurtured in selfishness and jealousy, it can ignite an inferno.
It’s a terrible shame that parents can struggle to build a business for their family only to see that very business become the source of the family’s destruction.
Last week I offered some suggestions to parents that may help overcome or at least minimize such disasters. I pointed out that if we are to see positive changes, we need to revamp our entire way of thinking. I am fully aware that it is easier to write or speak on this subject than to act and make it happen. Just the same, we must realize what is at stake and start somewhere.
If adult children are to accept with equanimity the wills of parents and grandparents outlining their inheritance, the very first requirement must be a loving bond between parents and their adult sons and daughters. This bonding must start at a tender age.
I have often mentioned that only the loving image of a mother or father engraved on the hearts of children can stem the deadly fires of jealousy. If there is such a loving image, a child’s heart will nag, “How can I betray my beloved parents? How can they be at peace if I inflict such suffering on them?”
Parents have a tremendous power that can transcend generations, overcome every obstacle, and keep families alive. And that power is a gentle, loving voice encased in Torah. I say encased in Torah because love without eternal Torah values and responsibilities can lead to abuse, selfishness, and feelings of entitlement. On the other hand, Torah transmitted without love can lead to resentment and rebellion.
It is Torah bequeathed with love that has kept the pintele Yid, the Jewish spark, alive in the hearts of our people throughout the centuries. Parents who engrave Torah with love in the hearts of their children can reasonably expect that even during trying times the memories they’ve created will keep their family united and neutralize hateful discord.
In our technology-obsessed world, warm and loving parent-child bonding encased in Torah does not come easy. Computers have taken over; gadgets have become babysitters as well as the addiction of our adult population. Husbands, wives, parents, and children can be in the same house, even in the same room, but they might as well be in different cities or even continents with their ever-present laptops and iPhones and iPads.
Not too long ago we were convinced that new technology would create a utopian society. Alas, just the opposite has occurred. We thought we’d have robots and computers doing our work, but fate played a cruel joke on us. It is we who became the robots, and there is no one to do the work. Robots and gadgets cannot create families. They cannot replace the teachings that only parents can transmit.
Think of our computer culture’s terrible influence on how we communicate with one another. Reading, writing, conversing – all have been downgraded. I have often written about the gibberish-saturated exchanges that now take place between people. We text rather than talk, and these texts have a lexicon all their own. XOXO means “hugs and kisses.” It has replaced powerful words and phrases like “I love you,” “I hug you,” “I kiss you.” MP means “my pleasure.” And on and on.
Texting is also responsible for a new feeling of loneliness among older people. Zaidie and Bubbie may not be familiar with this new gibberish and even if they spend time learning how to text they may still have difficulty; at a certain age people can have arthritis in their fingers and in general not be all that dexterous when it comes to typing tiny letters and numbers.
I can still hear the voice of my saintly father, HaRav HaGaon HaTzaddik Avraham HaLevi Jungreis, zt”l, saying, “If you have something to discuss, never do it on the phone. Speak to a person face to face so they may see kindness and sincerity in your eyes. Let them bask in the warmth of your smile and feel your words entering their hearts.”
So what does all this have to do with family infighting, greed, and jockeying for position? It should be self-explanatory. You cannot hurt the feelings of a computer. You cannot bring tears to an iPhone. It becomes quite easy to turn our backs on those who are near and dear to us. We do not even recognize them. They are not part of the technology that consumes our lives, occupying nearly every waking moment.
Once upon a time the Jewish home was a mikdash me’at –a sanctuary in miniature. We must try to recreate that sanctuary so that peace and harmony will prevail in our families.
Obviously not every family is affected the same way. Each mishpachah has its own dynamics. But the values and the principles of our forefathers’ sanctuary must be absorbed by all of us if we are to have warm, united families. If we don’t do this, how can we hope to be a people cemented by Torah values and love?
As I write these words we are in the midst of the Nine Days – a time of terrible historical catastrophes for our people. But in the here and now we are experiencing an ongoing catastrophe that is consuming our homes, our families, and, ultimately, our people.
We have suffered so much. It’s time to wake up and reinvent ourselves with the power of Torah and love.