Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

We have an 11-year-old daughter who can be extremely disrespectful. She often speaks to us in a way that is hurtful and inappropriate, and we are struggling to know how to respond. We have a good marriage and are loving, involved parents. Our other children, both older and younger, are generally well-behaved, so we find this particularly confusing and difficult.

We love our daughter very much and know that she has many wonderful qualities, but we feel that we need to help her learn how to communicate with us and others in a more respectful way.

We recently heard that there is a type of speech therapy that teaches children how to speak more appropriately and communicate better socially. Could something like this help our daughter? Or is there another approach you would recommend?

We would really appreciate your guidance.

Struggling Parents

Dear Struggling Parents,

I can understand why you are struggling. When you have several children who generally behave well and then one child consistently speaks disrespectfully, it is very easy to wonder why is this happening? What are we doing differently?

The first thing I would tell you is that children are individuals. Even in the same loving home, children can have very different temperaments, sensitivities, levels of emotional regulation, and needs. Your daughter’s behavior does not necessarily mean that you have failed as parents or that there is something wrong with your family dynamic.

At 11, your daughter is also entering an important developmental stage. She is beginning to want more independence and control, while still lacking the maturity to express frustration, disagreement, and strong emotions appropriately. That does not excuse disrespectful behavior, but it may help explain some of it.

You asked about speech therapy. There are speech-language therapists who work on pragmatic or social communication skills, including how to communicate appropriately, understand social cues, take turns in conversation, and recognize how one’s words affect other people. If your daughter’s difficulty is truly related to communication or social-language skills, this could be beneficial. However, if the primary issue is emotional regulation, defiance, frustration, or difficulty handling limits, traditional speech therapy may not address the underlying problem.

I would therefore recommend that you first have someone who works with children, perhaps a child therapist, psychologist, or experienced parenting professional, evaluate what is behind the behavior. You don’t necessarily need to begin with a diagnosis or assume that something is seriously wrong. Sometimes an outside professional can simply help parents understand the child’s behavior and teach them more effective ways to respond.

At home, I would also be very careful about getting pulled into a power struggle. When she speaks disrespectfully, you can remain calm and say something like, “I hear that you are angry, and you are allowed to be angry. You are not allowed to speak to me disrespectfully. When you’re ready to say it respectfully, I will listen.”

Then try not to lecture, argue, or engage in a long back-and-forth. The more emotional the interaction becomes, the more likely everyone is to become entrenched.

At the same time, make a conscious effort to notice when she does communicate appropriately. Children who receive a great deal of correction can begin to feel that their parents only notice what they are doing wrong. When she handles a disagreement respectfully, even something small, point it out: “I really appreciated how respectfully you told me that you were upset. That’s exactly how you can express yourself even when you disagree with me.”

And perhaps most importantly, don’t compare her to her siblings. She may be the only child in your family who needs this particular type of coaching. That doesn’t make her a bad child. Your goal is not to make her behave like her brothers and sisters; your goal is to help her develop the skills she needs.

There is also something very important to remember: sometimes the qualities that make a child difficult at eleven can become wonderful qualities later in life. A strong-willed child can become a strong leader. A child who has intense feelings can become deeply empathetic. A child who wants independence can become remarkably capable. Our job as parents is to help them learn how to channel those qualities appropriately.

It is important to focus on understanding why the disrespect is happening. It will be very helpful to set clear and consistent boundaries, teach your daughter alternative ways to express herself, and make sure she continues to feel deeply loved throughout the process.

You don’t have to choose between being loving parents and setting firm limits. In fact, children need both. Warmth without boundaries can become permissiveness, while boundaries without warmth can create resentment. The goal is loving firmness.

With patience, consistency, and perhaps some professional guidance, I believe you can help your daughter learn to communicate in a much healthier and more respectful way. Hatzlacha!