An Embarrassing Moment

“Yosef could not restrain himself in the presence of all who stood before him…” (Bereishis 45:1)

Rashi says that Yosef could not bear that the Egyptians stood by and would witness his brothers’ embarrassment when he made himself known to them.

The Medrash Tanchuma adds that Yosef put himself in grave danger by doing this, because if his brothers had killed him, no one would have known. However, Yosef felt that rather than having his brothers be shamed before the Egyptians, it was preferable that he should be killed.

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 11a) relates that seven Sages were called to convene the next morning to proclaim a leap year. When Rabban Gamliel came in, he found eight Sages there.

“Who came without permission?” he asked. “That person should leave.”

Shmuel HaKatan rose and said it was he who had not been invited. The Talmud tells us, however, that in fact he had been invited, and it was someone else who had come without being summoned. However, to avoid that individual’s embarrassment, Shmuel HaKatan left.

Concerning an upcoming parliamentary election, the Chofetz Chaim once wrote:

“In recent days, unfortunately, there has been much dispute and animosity among our brethren in this country. There are people who wish to wage war against G-d-fearing individuals who guard the sacred mitzvos of the Torah. They have devised schemes to disgrace and humiliate them, causing great damage. Has anyone considered the grave sin they transgress by shaming another Jew in public? Do they realize that they forfeit their portion in the World-to-Come? How much greater is their transgression when they denigrate a rav or a gadol b’Torah.

“I appeal to those who have been dishonored not to be discouraged. Continue to guard the Torah. Hashem is a very powerful redeemer who can rescue us all in wondrous ways.”

The Chofetz Chaim cited the Medrash Shochar Tov on (Shemos 3:9), “the outcry of the Children of Israel has come to Me, and I have also seen their oppression…” which explains that “oppression” refers to the derision and degradation the Egyptians heaped on the Jewish people. That aroused Heavenly mercy and the Jewish people were redeemed.

“The same will take place in our days,” concluded the Chofetz Chaim. “When G-d-fearing people are debased and derided, it will arouse Heavenly mercy to save us all from suffering.”

In Shaarei Teshuvah, Rabbeinu Yonah writes that embarrassing someone is a subtle form of murder, as the face of the shamed individual turns white, drained of color, like a dead person. In a similar vein, the Divrei Shaul says that shaming someone in public is comparable to murder.

Our Sages tell us (Bava Metzia 59a), “It is better for a person to cast himself into a fiery furnace than to humiliate another in public.” Chacham Ovadiah Yosef notes that such a statement is not made with regard to any other transgression. That is because this is the only transgression that is actually equated with murder, and certainly, one would have to give up his life rather than commit murder. The Rashbatz seems to agree that one is obligated to give up his life rather than transgress.

The Teshuas Yaakov disagrees and says that it is better to do so, but one is not obligated to throw himself into a furnace.

It is possible that embarrassing someone is an even greater sin than murdering another person. When one commits murder, the killer realizes that he has sinned and he can do teshuvah. But when someone causes another person to be embarrassed, he often doesn’t realize he has done anything wrong. He may never do teshuvah and will die guilty of this sin.

The Alter of Slobodka referred to the pasuk (Vayikra 25:17), “You shall not abuse your fellow,” and explained that the seemingly extraneous Hebrew word “es” in the commandment includes one’s wife in the mitzvah. He charged his students to treat their wives with the greatest respect. He pointed out that all the kindness and generosity one must direct toward his fellow man must first be performed with one’s own wife and children, as it says (Yeshaya 58:7), “You shall not divert your eyes from your own flesh.”

His disciples related compelling descriptions of the honor he accorded his wife, and spoke admiringly of his desire to constantly help her. Before he left for shul on erev Yom Kippur he would ask for his wife’s forgiveness, lest there was the slightest possibility that he had not been kind enough or respectful enough to her throughout the year. Overcome with fear, he would cry and beg for her pardon, and he did not leave for shul until he was convinced that she had sincerely forgiven him.

The Alter of Slobodka was dedicated to ensuring that his disciples and his community lived with love, unity, peace, and friendship so that the Divine Presence dwelled among them.

HaGaon R’ Yechezkel Abramsky was once davening with a minyan where the baal korei was making numerous mistakes in his Torah reading. The congregants kept laughing, while R’ Yechezkel politely stood silent throughout.

After tefillah, one of his disciples asked: How did you manage to restrain yourself throughout the kriah? You didn’t react even when he made that one especially glaring mistake!

R’ Yechezkel answered: When he made that particular mistake, it was indeed difficult not to laugh. But just at that moment the teaching of our Sages flashed into my mind, “One who humiliates his fellow in public has no share in the World-to-Come.” I thought to myself: Chatzkele, Chatzkele, you wrote twenty-five volumes of your Sefer Chazon Yechezkel on Tosefta. Chatzkele, Chatzkele, you spread so much Torah when you were a rav in London and throughout the world. You dedicated your life to avodas Hashem in the world. All that will be gone in a flash, and there will certainly not be any World-to-Come for you. I kept that thought in the forefront, and I was able to remain solemn and reserved throughout the krias haTorah.