In the playground
There’s a little girl
Sitting in a dark corner.
She’s all alone.
Earlier, an older girl,
much older
Came and said horrible things
to the little girl.
“Oh, you are stupid
and ugly!”
she said.
It hurt the little girl,
It pained her.
In the playground,
There’s a little girl
Sitting in a dark corner.
An eleven-year-old girl who witnessed verbal bullying in her school wrote the above poem. Both her pain and the pain of the girl “sitting in the dark corner” are very real. The more we pay attention to bullying, the more we realize that sticks and stones break many bones.
With bullying such a hot topic in my office and in the news today, I think it’s important to address it in our yeshivos as well. It’s hard to believe that bullying can occur in our schools, but unfortunately, bullying is a widespread problem that affects children of all religions, races, and ethnicities. Experts agree that the only way to eliminate bullying is to create school-wide campaigns that encompass both academic and social areas of student life.
To that end, I wrote a children’s picture book entitled My “Friend” the Bully, in an effort to provide children with an opportunity to understand the different components of the bully equation: the bully, the victim, and the bystander. The book follows Pinny as he innocently reacts to a “friend” who belittles and intimidates him. When the meanness turns into active bullying, Pinny’s bewilderment transforms into fear, shame, and phantom stomachaches. Through help from his parents, teachers, and friends, Pinny’s life takes a turn for the better.
When I talk to schools about using this book to eliminate bullying from the school setting, I feel that it is important to discuss the social environment of the school. Let’s look at a profile of the different people who are involved in a bully interaction.
Who is a Bully?
Contrary to popular belief, bullies need not be boys and they need not be big and strong. Many bullies are girls or boys who are smaller than many of their peers. Rather than physical attributes, bullies share many emotional aspects:
Abuse of power: Children who are bullies thrive on abusing the social power in their hands. They want to make other people feel bad because this way they maintain their control over the people around them.
Self-esteem. Many bullies will put other people down to feel better than themselves. On the other hand, there are bullies who are very self-confident and simply bully because they believe everyone should behave according to their wishes.
Lack of empathy: Children who put other people down or attack them physically lack empathy, the ability to understand what other people are feeling. They do not care how their actions negatively affect others.
Role models: Often, children who are bullies have role models in their home (perhaps an older sibling) or in another friend who exhibit bullying behavior.
Children who bully are not often brought into social skills training or counseling. Rather, it is the victim that gets help. If schools implement social skills training in order to build healthy self-esteem, instill empathy, and create positive role models, both the bully and the victim will be positively benefited. In effect, through a school wide intervention to teach these essential social skills, we could be changing the culture of a school in order to erase bullying.
Who is a Victim?
While children who are the victims of bullying often have low self-esteem, it is unclear whether this low self-esteem is a result or a cause of the bullying behavior. Below, I explain some common characteristics of children who are bullied.
Isolated: Victims of bullying are often loners. They spend a lot of time alone and therefore do not have a good support network.
Different: Children who are slightly different – either religiously or physically – will be targeted. These differences set them apart and make them an obvious target for bullies.
Strong Response to Bullying: Perhaps the most significant characteristics of children who are bullied is their response to the bully. Children who are bullied on a consistent basis show their hurt and anger to the bully. Rather than ignoring the bully, they show the bully that their actions have an effect on them.
It’s important to note that I am not “blaming the victim” in any way here. No one should have to deal with bullying. Rather, again, I am explaining how we can change the school culture. If we embrace differences and explicitly teach children to ignore negative behavior (but approach an adult at a later time), we will take great strides towards eliminating bullying in our schools.
Who is a Bystander?
This is the hardest parts for schools and parents to grasp: WE ARE ALL BYSTANDERS. If we see bullying and do nothing about it, we are complicit in the bullying. In essence, we are saying to everyone – the bully, the victim, and the other children around – that bullying is acceptable.
Experts identify four different types of bystanders:
Assistants – who actively join in the attack.
Reinforcers – who give positive feedback to the bully, perhaps by smiling or laughing.
Outsiders – who stay back, stay quiet and unwittingly condone the bullying behavior.
Defenders – who try to intervene to stop the bullying or comfort the target.
Occasionally, teachers in the schoolyard will assume “boys will be boys” or “it will pass,” but in reality, they are acting as “outsiders” – quietly condoning the bullying act. And, this can be the worst type of bystander for the victim. After all, if the victim knows that someone sees and is doing nothing about it, they feel completely abandoned.
Again, I cannot emphasize enough how important changing the social environment is in order to eliminate bullying. We need to explicitly teach children that the skills they need in order to be defenders. Through role-playing, classroom activities, and books tailored to intervention, we can teach every child to stand up for those around him. Then and only then, we will be able to proudly say that our yeshivos do not have any bullying problems.
Teaser: This is the hardest parts for schools and parents to grasp: WE ARE ALL BYSTANDERS.