Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am a young married man with a loving wife and several children. Baruch Hashem, I have so much to be grateful for, and I know that I am very blessed. However, I grew up in a stressful environment, and I find that the anxiety I experienced growing up still affects me today.

Even though my life is good, I often feel anxious and overwhelmed by stress. Sometimes I know logically that everything is okay, but I still have difficulty calming myself down. I don’t want my anxiety to interfere with my marriage, my parenting, or my ability to enjoy the many blessings in my life.

I would really appreciate your advice on how I can better manage my anxiety, especially when I find myself becoming overwhelmed. Are there practical things I can do to retrain myself to respond differently to stress?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for writing your question. It is not easy to recognize and admit that you have anxiety. The first important thing to understand is that having anxiety does not mean that you are ungrateful for the blessings in your life. You can be deeply appreciative of your wife, children, and all that Hashem has given you and still struggle with anxiety. These two things can exist at the same time.

In fact, people who grew up in stressful or unpredictable environments sometimes develop a heightened sensitivity to stress. When you spend years feeling that you need to be on guard, your nervous system can learn to anticipate problems even when there is no immediate danger. As an adult, you may intellectually understand that you are safe, yet your body and emotions may still react as though something is wrong.

The good news is that you can learn to respond differently.

One of the first things I would encourage you to do is become curious about your anxiety rather than angry at yourself for having it. When you notice yourself becoming anxious, try asking yourself: What am I worried is going to happen right now? Is there an actual problem I need to solve, or is my mind anticipating a problem? Simply identifying the thought behind the anxiety can help create some distance from it.

It is also important to pay attention to your physical state. Lack of sleep, too much caffeine, being overly hungry, and chronic stress can all make anxiety significantly worse. Exercise, adequate sleep, regular meals, and taking breaks during the day may sound basic, but they can have a meaningful effect on how your nervous system responds to stress.

Another helpful practice is learning to slow down your reaction. When you feel anxiety rising, don’t immediately act on it. Take a few slow breaths, remind yourself, “I am feeling anxious, but that doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong,” and give yourself a few minutes before responding. You are teaching your brain that anxiety does not have to dictate your behavior.

I would also encourage you to consider therapy, particularly with a therapist who works with anxiety and understands how childhood experiences can influence adult reactions. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), for example, can help you identify anxious thought patterns and replace them with healthier and more realistic ways of thinking. Therapy isn’t an admission that something is terribly wrong with you. Sometimes, it is simply an opportunity to learn skills that you were never taught growing up.

Also, don’t underestimate the importance of talking to your wife. You don’t need her to “fix” your anxiety, but allowing her to understand what is happening internally can create greater closeness. You can say something like, “Sometimes I become anxious even when I know everything is okay. I’m working on it, and I may need a little patience when that happens.” Your vulnerability can actually strengthen your marriage, even though it may feel scary to be vulnerable.

Finally, try not to turn your anxiety into another reason to criticize yourself. You have already recognized that your childhood may have shaped some of your reactions. That awareness is a strength. You are not destined to repeat the emotional patterns you learned growing up.

You have, baruch Hashem, built a loving marriage and a family, and you are aware enough to recognize that you want to do even better. These are all things to be proud of.

You don’t need to eliminate every anxious feeling in order to have a happy life. The goal is to learn that you can feel anxiety without allowing anxiety to run your life. With practice, self-understanding, and perhaps professional guidance to learn how to reframe anxiety, you can teach your mind and body that the present is different from the past, and that you are capable of handling whatever comes your way.

Wishing you much continued nachas and bracha. Hatzlacha!