Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am a single man struggling with shidduchim, and I am finding it increasingly difficult not to become discouraged. I do receive resumes and am fortunate that people are willing to suggest girls to me. However, my biggest challenge comes after the initial suggestion. I often go out with a girl, only to feel that she has already decided that I am not the right person for her and does not really give me a chance to get to know her or to allow herself to get to know me.

I am a caring, hardworking person, and I take relationships seriously. I may be quieter and more reserved when I first meet someone. I am not the type of person who will immediately dominate a conversation or tell jokes all night. It takes me some time to feel comfortable and open up. Unfortunately, I worry that my quiet personality is being interpreted as a lack of confidence, personality, or interest.

I know I have qualities to offer a future wife, but it is very painful to feel that I am being rejected before someone has had the opportunity to see those qualities. Sometimes I wonder whether I need to change who I am in order to be successful in shidduchim. I don’t want to pretend to be someone I am not, but I also don’t want my quiet nature to prevent me from finding my future wife.

I am trying to stay positive and have emunah, but after repeated disappointments, it is becoming harder. What can I do to make a better impression on dates while still remaining true to myself? How can I communicate that being quiet does not mean that I am uninterested or that I don’t have much to offer?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

First, I want you to know that being quiet is not a character flaw. There is a tremendous difference between being quiet and being disengaged, and I would encourage you not to confuse the two.

Some people walk into a room and immediately command attention. They are naturally talkative, funny, animated, and comfortable speaking to almost anyone. Other people are more thoughtful and reserved. They listen carefully, observe what is happening around them, and become more expressive once they feel comfortable. Neither personality is inherently better. In fact, many people would consider the qualities you describe, being caring, hardworking, responsible, and thoughtful, to be extremely important qualities in a spouse.

However, there is one important point I would like you to consider. You don’t need to become a different person, but you may need to learn how to make your personality more visible.

If you are naturally quiet, a girl meeting you for the first time may not automatically know what is going on inside your head. She may interpret your quietness as nervousness, disinterest, lack of confidence, or even lack of personality. That may be completely inaccurate, but she cannot read your mind.

Therefore, your job on a date is not to become the loudest person in the room. Your job is to let the other person see you.

Ask questions, but not in a way that makes it feel like you’re conducting an interview. If she tells you that she enjoys traveling, don’t just ask, “Where have you traveled?” Follow up with something like, “I’ve always wanted to go there. What did you enjoy most about it?” And then share something about yourself. Conversation should go back and forth.

You can also intentionally share stories about yourself. Tell her about something funny that happened to you, something you are proud of, an experience that shaped you, something you enjoy doing, or a meaningful experience with your family or friends. You don’t have to entertain her. You simply want to give her little windows into your personality.

And don’t underestimate the power of warmth. Smile. Make eye contact. Show interest. React to what she says. If you are enjoying yourself, let her know. You might even say, “I’m a little quiet when I first meet someone, but once I get comfortable, I open up quite a bit.” That simple sentence can prevent someone from misinterpreting your quietness.

I would also encourage you to ask yourself whether anxiety or self-consciousness is making you quieter than you actually are. There is a difference between being naturally introverted and becoming so nervous about making a good impression that you barely show your personality. If the latter is happening, working with a therapist or dating coach could be very helpful. You don’t need to change your personality; rather, you may simply need to become more comfortable expressing it.

There is another important issue here. You cannot measure your worth by how many women say yes to a second date. Shidduchim can be brutally personal because rejection feels like someone is rejecting you. But often, a person is simply saying, “I don’t think we are the right match.” That is not the same thing as saying, “There is something wrong with you.”

At the same time, I would encourage you to get some honest feedback. Ask a trusted friend, sibling, mentor, or shadchan who knows you well to tell you honestly how you come across on dates. Don’t ask, “What’s wrong with me?” Instead ask, “What do you think I could do better on a first date?” You may discover that you have wonderful qualities that simply aren’t coming across quickly enough.

And please don’t give up on yourself because the process is taking longer than you hoped. There are women who are specifically looking for a calm, kind, hardworking, emotionally stable man. The woman who is right for you may not be looking for the person who makes the biggest impression in the first ten minutes. She may be looking for the person who makes her feel respected, safe, understood, and cared for.

Your goal is not to win over every girl you date. Your goal is to make sure that the right girl has enough of an opportunity to discover who you really are.

So, keep working on your dating skills, but don’t work on becoming someone else. Become the best, most confident, expressive version of yourself. Your quietness can remain part of who you are while you learn to communicate your warmth, humor, intelligence, values, and personality more clearly.

Please remember that sometimes the qualities that are overlooked during a first date become the very qualities that someone treasures for a lifetime. Please keep going! Your story is not determined by the rejections you’ve experienced so far. Hatzlacha!