Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I unfortunately grew up in a home that was neglectful and, at times, abusive. I am one of more than 12 children, and, baruch Hashem, we are all married and frum today. However, the difficult experiences of our childhood affected each of us differently.

Three of my siblings are completely estranged from my parents. I have chosen to maintain a relationship with my parents, but with healthy boundaries. I am particularly close to my mother. My father was abusive and, at times, hit some of the children too harshly and too often. As one of the younger children, I did not experience everything in exactly the same way as some of my older siblings.

I am close to all of my siblings, which puts me in a very difficult position. I understand why they are hurt, but I also see how much my mother is suffering. She truly feels that she tried her best, despite the difficult circumstances, and I know that she loves her children deeply.

I feel that perhaps my siblings should try to make some peace with my parents, especially because we are in the time of year where we are working on teshuvah. I don’t necessarily mean that they need to go back to having a close relationship, but I wish there could be some healing and forgiveness. At the same time, I don’t want to minimize what they went through or pressure them into a relationship they are not ready for.

How can I navigate this painful situation without becoming the middleman? I love my siblings and my parents, and I desperately want to see some healing in our family.

Stuck in Between

Dear Stuck in Between,

You are carrying a very heavy burden. It is wonderful that, despite the difficulties of your childhood, you and your siblings have all built frum homes and are functioning as adults. That itself is a tremendous accomplishment. But it is also important to recognize that siblings can grow up in the same house and come away with very different experiences. One child may remember a parent’s efforts, while another may primarily remember the pain. Both experiences can be real.

You say that your mother “really tried her best.” I believe you. It is possible that your mother loved her children, tried to care for them, and did the best she knew how to do. At the same time, your siblings may have experienced things that were deeply damaging to them. Intent and impact are not always the same thing. A parent can have good intentions and still cause significant harm.

This is especially important regarding your father. You describe physical abuse that was excessive and occurred repeatedly. Your siblings are entitled to have their own feelings about those experiences. You do not need to convince them that your parents were good parents, nor do you need to convince your parents that your siblings are justified in staying away. Your role can simply be to love everyone.

It is also important to remember that you do not have to fix this. You are the daughter and sister, not the therapist, mediator, or peacemaker responsible for repairing the wounds of your family.

As for the Yomim Noraim, I would be very careful about using the holiness and emotional intensity of this time of year to pressure your siblings into reconciliation. Sometimes we mistakenly think that because it is Yom Kippur, everyone must immediately forgive, forget, and make shalom, but your siblings may need time to heal.

Perhaps instead of asking your siblings to “make shalom,” you can gently encourage them to consider whether there is some small step toward healing that they feel comfortable taking. That might mean a phone call, a brief message, agreeing to speak with a therapist, or simply letting go of some of the anger they have been carrying. But that decision has to belong to them.

You can also speak to your mother compassionately and encourage her to acknowledge your siblings’ pain without defending herself. If she can do this, it can go a long way towards healing. If your mother cannot agree to their memories, she can say something like, “I am sorry that you were hurt. I wish I had understood then what I understand now. I cannot change the past, but I am sorry for the pain you experienced.” Notice that this does not require your mother to agree with every detail of your siblings’ memories, but it validates that your siblings were hurting. It is possible that your siblings may want your mother to validate their memories and if she’s able to do so on some level, that could be very healing, but this can be a good start. Just be aware that it is possible it will not be enough for them as it does not completely validate what they went through.

And please don’t allow yourself to become the messenger between them. If your mother says, “Please tell your sister…” you can lovingly respond, “Mommy, I love you, and I love her. I don’t want to be in the middle. If you want to tell her something, I will support you in reaching out to her directly.”

You can do the same with your siblings. You can listen to them without criticizing your parents, and you can love your parents without criticizing your siblings.

There is another important point here. Making peace does not necessarily mean restoring the relationship to what it once was. Sometimes peace means establishing a relationship with very clear boundaries. Sometimes it means limited contact. Sometimes it means forgiving someone in your heart while recognizing that close contact is not emotionally healthy. And sometimes, unfortunately, a person needs significant distance in order to heal. Your siblings are adults, and they have to determine what is healthy for them.

I also wonder whether there is something underneath your desire for them to reconcile. Perhaps you are watching your mother suffer and thinking, “Maybe if everyone could just forgive and move forward, our family could finally be whole.” That is a very understandable wish. But you cannot create that wholeness by yourself. You can, however, be a bridge without being a mediator, which will be extremely valuable.

You can say to your siblings something like, “I love you; I understand that you were hurt, and I will never pressure you. I also love Mommy, and I know she is hurting. I hope that someday there can be some healing between all of you, whatever form that takes.” Then you can let your siblings choose their own path. May Hashem bring healing to your family, and give each person the strength and wisdom to take the next right step. Sometimes healing comes through reconciliation. Sometimes it comes through boundaries. Sometimes it comes through an apology. Sometimes it comes through acceptance. And sometimes it takes many years. Hatzlacha!