Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Readers,

I recently had the good fortune of connecting with Devorah Goldstein of The Bamboo Cradle, and I came away deeply inspired by her warmth, hashkafa, and approach to life. Devorah is currently a first-grade morah in a Bais Yaakov school in Baltimore, and the messages she shares with her students reflect the values that have guided her throughout her own life.

Devorah has seven children, six of whom are married, and, baruch Hashem, she is blessed to see her children happily married and to enjoy many grandchildren. In a world where we unfortunately hear so much about shalom bayis difficulties and family struggles, Devorah radiates positivity, warmth, and gratitude. She is the kind of person whose outlook can strengthen and inspire an entire community.

Two messages are particularly important to Devorah: recognizing that Hashem is in charge of our lives and learning not to judge other people based on appearances or circumstances.

Learning Not to Judge

Devorah has experienced firsthand what it feels like to be judged by the way someone looks.

When she was younger and visiting a friend in the states, she once walked into a store with her friend. The woman working there looked at her and asked her friend whether she had brought her seamstress into the store to copy her designs because Devorah looked Chinese. Devorah’s friend was so upset by the comment that she immediately told Devorah to leave the store and confronted the owner.

For Devorah, this experience reinforced something she had already learned: we have no idea what another person is carrying, and we should never make assumptions based on the way someone looks.

When Devorah first moved to Israel, she encountered similar challenges. People were not accustomed to seeing Asian children in their communities. Her parents placed her in a very frum Bais Yaakov school, hoping that she would thrive there. Unfortunately, the class was not welcoming. One girl would write the word “goy” on Devorah’s desk every day.

Devorah became so unhappy that she stayed home from school for three days, telling her mother that the teachers were having meetings and therefore there was no school. Eventually, the principal called to ask where Devorah was, and her parents realized how unhappy she had become. They ultimately moved her to a different school, where she was welcomed and treated with warmth.

These experiences stayed with Devorah and shaped the message she now tries to impart to others: Don’t judge people by what they look like. Don’t assume you know someone’s story. And most importantly, teach our children to treat every person with dignity and kindness.

This message is especially meaningful in Tishrei. We speak so much about ahavas chinam, loving and caring for one another. But ahavas chinam begins with something very basic: derech eretz, kindness, sensitivity, and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Hashem Is in Charge

Devorah’s other central message is one of emunah.

She believes strongly that we must do our hishtadlus, but ultimately, Hashem is in charge of everything, our shidduchim, our health, our parnassah, our jobs, our children, and every detail of our lives.

She sees this truth reflected in her own story.

As a newborn, Devorah was left at a train station, wrapped in a jacket and placed on a bench. Her father happened to take that train, discovered her, and picked her up. That one decision changed the trajectory of her entire life and ultimately the lives of her adoptive parents as well.

Her parents became Orthodox Jews and went on to have four biological children. Devorah was given the opportunity to grow up, marry, raise a family, and become a mother and grandmother herself.

When you look at her story from the outside, you might see a series of random events. Devorah sees the hand of Hashem.

She reminds her children and grandchildren that sometimes something happens that seems completely contrary to what we wanted. We may think, why is this happening to me? This is the last thing I needed. But we don’t know the master plan. We have to believe that Hashem loves us even when He gives us something we don’t understand. Emunah does not mean that difficult things don’t hurt or that we cannot cry and feel disappointed. It means that even in the midst of pain and confusion, we can believe that Hashem is with us.

Devorah shared an example involving one of her daughters, who experienced something difficult and unpleasant at sleepaway camp. Instead of becoming consumed by anger or frustration, her daughter chose to think that perhaps Hashem was protecting her through what had happened. Devorah was extremely proud of her reaction.

That is the kind of emunah she wants to transmit to the next generation: even when something hurts, we can still believe that Hashem is with us.

Devorah experienced another lesson in this area when her husband’s older, functional car, which he had inherited from his father, was totaled.

The family was all together in the house when one of the grandchildren suddenly ran inside and announced that a car had flipped over. They went outside and discovered that a minivan had indeed flipped over. A young woman had been driving the vehicle. Baruch Hashem, she was able to get out, and they were able to get her the help she needed. Their own car, however, was completely totaled. It was certainly an expense the family did not need. Yet instead of focusing on the financial loss, Devorah and her family looked at the situation differently.

They thought: Hashem decreed that we should have this additional expense. But Baruch Hashem, nobody was hurt. They lost a car, but they didn’t lose a person. Devorah sees that as a tremendous bracha. If Hashem was going to take money from them, perhaps this was the safest possible way for that money to be taken.

We don’t always get to choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.

Devorah also speaks about the things we wish we could have known in advance.

She has a friend whose child is in a very difficult marriage. Her friend struggles with the thought that perhaps she should have asked more questions before the shidduch. Devorah tries to help her understand that we cannot live our lives constantly looking backward and wondering what we could have done differently. She tells her, “This shidduch was meant to happen for your child.”

That does not mean that painful circumstances should be minimized or that we should not seek help. We should do everything we can to support our children and help them through difficult situations. But once we have done our hishtadlus, we must remember that the outcome is ultimately in Hashem’s hands.

This is especially important when dealing with divorce. We sometimes look at a divorced child and think, this marriage was a mistake. This should never have happened.

But perhaps we can look at it differently. The marriage was part of that person’s journey. The children who were born from that marriage were meant to be in this world. Even the difficult chapters are part of a person’s story.

We don’t have to understand the reason for every nisayon in order to believe that Hashem is there.

Devorah compares this to the way parents care for their children. We sometimes stop our children from doing something they desperately want because we see a danger they cannot see. They may not understand why we are saying no, but we see a bigger picture.

So too, Hashem sees the entire picture when we only see one small piece.

Perhaps something we desperately wanted would not have been good for us. Perhaps a closed door or an unexpected change is protecting us from something we cannot see. We have to trust the One who sees the whole picture.

I was deeply impressed by Devorah Goldstein, not only because of the wonderful messages she gives her first-grade students, but because she has lived these messages herself. Her experiences have given her a unique perspective, and she has chosen to use those experiences to strengthen others.

In a world that can sometimes feel judgmental, self-centered, and lacking in sensitivity, Devorah is a bright light.

She reminds us that we don’t know what another person has been through, we don’t know the entire story behind someone’s life, and we certainly don’t know Hashem’s entire plan.

As we enter the new year, may we take these lessons with us: judge others favorably, teach our children by modeling kindness, do our hishtadlus, and then place our trust in Hashem.

May we all be zoche to recognize Hashem’s hand even when we don’t understand it, to treat every person with dignity and compassion, and to raise children who bring more kindness and ahavas chinam into the world.

In the zechus of this, may we all be zoche to a year of health, happiness, shalom bayis, parnassah, and much nachas from our families. K’siva v’chasima tova!