Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am writing to you as a shadchante who cares deeply about our community and the singles who are looking to build their futures. I devote a great deal of time and energy to helping others, and baruch Hashem, I have had the zechus of making many successful shidduchim.

In addition to my work as a shadchante, I am a marketing major and do image consulting. I try to encourage both men and women to take care of themselves, physically and emotionally. One issue that concerns me is that some singles unintentionally sabotage their own chances by not presenting themselves in the best possible light.

I believe it is important to encourage singles to dress appropriately, take care of their appearance, and invest in professional photographs that reflect them well. First impressions matter, especially in today’s shidduch world, where pictures and resumes often play such a significant role in the initial stages of a shidduch.

My intention is not to encourage superficiality, but rather to help singles recognize that putting effort into their presentation is a form of self-care and can help them make a positive first impression. I would appreciate it if you could address this topic in your column and encourage singles to take these steps as they navigate the shidduch process.

Thank you for considering my thoughts and for the important work you do on behalf of our community.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Shadchante

Dear Concerned Shadchante,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter and for the important work you do on behalf of singles in our community. Helping people find their zivug is a tremendous zechus, and it is evident that your concern comes from a genuine desire to help others succeed.

I agree that the way we present ourselves can make a difference in the shidduch process. In today’s world, where pictures and resumes are often the first introduction between a young man and young woman, it is important to recognize the role that presentation plays. Dressing appropriately, maintaining good grooming habits, and choosing a flattering, natural photograph can help a person make a positive first impression.

At the same time, I believe we must approach this subject with sensitivity. Singles already face tremendous pressure in the shidduch world. Many struggle with feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and the fear that they are somehow not good enough. We must be careful not to add to that burden or leave someone feeling that their appearance is the reason they have not yet found their zivug.

There is a meaningful difference between encouraging someone to put their best foot forward and suggesting that they are responsible for their shidduch difficulties because they do not look a certain way. We must never lose sight of the fact that a person’s worth cannot be measured by a photograph, a clothing style, or a particular standard of beauty.

I would encourage shadchanim, parents, and mentors to offer practical guidance in a kind and respectful manner. A young man or woman may benefit from advice about clothing, grooming, or taking a better picture, especially if the advice is offered privately and with genuine care. Sometimes, a small change can help someone feel more confident and present themselves more comfortably.

We should also remember that taking care of ourselves is about more than outward appearance. Emotional well-being, self-confidence, good middos, and the ability to build a healthy relationship are all essential parts of preparing for marriage. A professional photograph may open the door to a first meeting, but it is the person behind that photograph who ultimately matters.

Our goal should be to empower singles, not criticize them; to help them recognize their strengths, not magnify their insecurities. Every person deserves to feel respected and valued throughout the shidduch process.

May we all merit to approach this important mitzvah of helping others find their zivug with compassion, wisdom, and sensitivity, and may all our singles find their bashert at the right time, b’ezras Hashem.