Feeling My Feelings

Dear Dating Coach,

I’ve gone on five dates with an amazing guy, and everything is great. We match in so many ways. Our hashkafa, personalities, interests, goals, and the way we see life are all totally aligned. On paper and in person, it all seems to make so much sense. There is a connection because we get along so well, but I’m not feeling any more than that. I thought that by five dates I would already feel way more connected. Does this mean it’s time to walk away?

Stuck Single

Dear Stuck,

You love gardening. You buy the seeds. You get the soil. You plant them. You water them. You give them sunlight. You check on them approximately 47 times a day because apparently you have suddenly become a full-time agricultural inspector. And then… nothing. You stare at the dirt. You know you followed the instructions. Where is my tomato?! You water it some more. You poke around. You start wondering if the seed is even doing anything down there. Maybe you made a mistake. Maybe the soil isn’t right. Maybe you should dig it up just to check. But if you dig up the seed every day to see whether it’s growing, congratulations, you have officially prevented the garden from growing. Some things simply need time beneath the surface before you get to see the results.

A Watched Pot Doesn’t Grow Tomatoes

I completely understand your frustration. It can be confusing when everything seems so right, yet your feelings aren’t quite where you thought they would be at this point. You know you are compatible. You enjoy being with him. You connect. So why don’t you feel MORE? And when you have reached date five, it’s very easy to start thinking there must be some imaginary dating deadline you’ve missed. But there isn’t. Feelings are not a checklist. They are not logical. You cannot say, “Values, check. Personality, check. Attraction, check. Hashkafa, check. Emotional connection, please arrive by Tuesday.” Feelings are emotional, and they develop on their own timeline. Sometimes the strongest relationships aren’t the ones where you are immediately swept off your feet. Sometimes they are the ones where something quietly grows every time you spend time together. You get a little more comfortable. You share something a little deeper. You laugh a little harder. You start looking forward to seeing the person. You notice that you think of them when they’re gone. And slowly, almost without realizing it, the feelings become stronger.

So, if everything really is as good as you say it is, don’t walk away just because the feelings aren’t at 100% yet. Ask yourself instead if your feelings are growing. If after each date you feel a little more connected, a little more attracted, a little more comfortable, a little more excited to see this person again, that’s progress. You don’t need to be completely emotionally invested yet. You just need to see that something is growing. Give it some time. Keep showing up. Keep getting to know each other. Keep watering the garden. Feelings will pop up at exactly the right time.