Forgive and Forget

“Yosef’s brothers saw that their father had died …” (Bereishis 50:15)

Rashi explains that when Yaakov died, the brothers perceived the effect on Yosef, who until the death of Yaakov had been friendly toward them out of respect for his father. When Yaakov died, however, he was no longer friendly toward them.

The Medrash Bereishis Rabbah (96:1) states that when Yaakov died, the enslavement in Egypt began. Yosef felt, therefore, that he could no longer exhibit any favoritism toward his brothers, as it would only fuel the hostility of the Egyptians.

The question is: Did Yosef actually forgive his brothers? Rabbeinu Bechaye and Rabbeinu Yehuda HaChassid disagree on this matter. Rabbeinu Bechaye maintains that Yosef did not forgive his brothers; Rabbeinu Yehuda HaChassid says he did, writing, “Yosef forgave his brothers and did not respond in kind to the ill-treatment that they had given him.”

The Chidah (R’ Chaim Yosef Dovid Azulai, 1724-1806) asks: In light of Rabbeinu Yehuda’s opinion, why does the Zohar write that galus Mitzrayim was a punishment for the sale of Yosef, as were the decrees of Haman? We are also told that the ten great Jewish leaders (of the Mishnaic era) who were martyred were, in actuality, the souls of the ten brothers who had been sent down to the physical world to correct their sin. Why would there be retribution in future generations if Yosef had completely forgiven his brothers?

The Chidah asserts that the brothers committed two sins, one against Yosef – kidnapping him and selling him – and one against Hashem because knowledge of what they had done generated a chillul Hashem in the eyes of Pharaoh and the Egyptians. This being so, Yosef’s forgiveness only covered their transgression bein adam l’chaveiro (between man and his fellow), but it did not atone for their sin bein adam l’makom (between man and Hashem). They were therefore punished because Hashem is exacting to a hair’s breadth with His righteous ones.

The Sefer Ish L’Rei’eihu elaborates on the Chidah’s explanation. How is it possible, he asks, that the brothers did not repent for their sin against Hashem? Furthermore, it is a given that every aveiroh bein adam l’chaveiro has a component of bein adam l’makom. Thus, when the sinner is pardoned by the victim, he is also granted Heavenly pardon. The Minchas Chinuch (Mitzvah 36) states, though, that kidnapping and selling someone are two exclusive aveiros – one against the person and the other against Hashem. Because of that, his reprieve from the victim does not grant him forgiveness from Hashem.

There is also the opinion that the brothers did not want to do teshuvah on the sale of Yosef. The Sforno and the Malbim maintain that when the brothers said (Bereishis 42:21), “We are guilty,” they only regretted the fact that they didn’t have mercy on Yosef when he begged them to reconsider their decision to sell him. They were not at all remorseful, however, that they had condemned him to death and then sold him into slavery, because they believed their ruling was justified.

The Ramban notes in his commentary that the brothers’ cruelty was a major factor in the egregiousness of the sin. They ignored the pleas for mercy from their younger brother and sold their own flesh and blood. They believed they did not need to appease Yosef and do teshuvah. Although Yosef had forgiven them, they were not pardoned from Heaven, and therefore there was a need for future retribution.

A special event was held at the Binyanei Ha’umah in Yerushalayim upon the occasion of Yeshiva Kol Torah’s 60^th year. A huge crowd of gedolei Yisrael, students, alumni, and many rabbanim were in attendance to celebrate the occasion of this milestone.

Among the honored speakers was one of the roshei yeshiva, HaGaon R’ Avraham Erlanger. In his consummate humility, his eyes filled with tears as he begged the thousands in attendance to forgive him if he had insulted anyone over the years, or if he had perhaps not been diligent enough in tending to their spiritual growth. With that he concluded speaking.

Our Sages teach (Yuma 87a), “Anyone who asks forgiveness of his friend should not ask more than three times.” If a talmid chacham strongly desires to be pardoned, he may keep trying, but only if it will not be humiliating.

The Pri Chodosh is of the opinion that it is forbidden to ask for forgiveness more than three times. The Sfas Emes elaborates that the person who refused to give the pardon has already established a chazakah (behavioral pattern) that he will not grant a reprieve. By persisting to seek a pardon, one will merely cause the victim to do an aveirah, i.e., by continuing to be cruel and not being magnanimous.

R’ Bentzion Abba Shaul once related in shiur that the evening before, he did not forgive everyone when reciting the Krias Shema Al HaMitah (said before retiring for the night), as is the custom. He explained that earlier in the day a case had been brought before the beis din where he was presiding. When one of the parties was ruled guilty, he began to curse the judges and vowed that he would not abide by their ruling.

R’ Bentzion said, “I tried to forgive him, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Therefore, I couldn’t say to Hashem that I forgive everyone.”

The next day, when R’ Bentzion Abba came to shiur, he told his disciples that he had forgiven the individual the night before. He had worked on himself to pardon the individual and to expunge his hurtful words from his heart.