Shortly after we begin reciting the story of Passover at the Seder, we are introduced to the “Four Sons.” These individuals represent four very different types of personalities. First mentioned is the Wise Son – he is the child/young adult every parent and rebbe and employer prays to be blessed with. He is inquisitive, respectful and has a genuine thirst for knowledge and for answers to his questions. He, despite outside influences, has stayed on the derech, the path of his ancestors and wants to understand what are the laws and statues that Hashem has commanded the Jews to follow. Understanding leads to acceptance and compliance. He will likely be a responsible husband, father and boss or employee. He’s a mentch. He is authentic.
The second son, like his brother, is intelligent, but he no longer accepts the traditions he was exposed to. He’s a rebel. He is off the derech and has distanced himself from the religious practices of his family and community. What’s he doing at the Seder? Why is he even at the table and not playing video games with his pals? Maybe he likes matzah ball soup or sees an opportunity to “rub it in their face.” The arrogant tone of his question, highlights the deep distain he has for the rituals and regulations of the Jewish people – a nation he has deliberately disconnected himself from. He asks, “What’s all this to you?” He says “you” not us. Since he isn’t respectful of a way of life he doesn’t agree with, he likely in the future, will be intolerant of other people’s views. I imagine he will not be respectful to his wife or peers and may in fact be emotionally or verbally abusive. After all, he is dismissive to his parents and guests. He probably will be a scofflaw as an adult and be criminally inclined. He doesn’t like authority and being told how to live his life. He is referred to as the Wicked Son.
The third son seemingly is loving and obedient but is either quite young and unable to be disconcerting or have an opinion. It’s possible he is older but just simple-minded or very laid back, and accepts Pesach and his religious lifestyle without thinking about what its purpose is. He is somewhat curious though and asks, ” What is this?” Though he does not absorb the greater picture and the multi-layered rituals and practices that define Pesach, he accepts it and identifies with his Yiddishkeit. He is the type of person that will be a follower, not questioning the rules, just “following orders” which actually can be very problematic if the orders are malignant. In the army, he would be a private; and when asked about engaging in the murder of civilians, he will truthfully say, ” I was just following orders.” In his personal life he might be content having a controlling wife who makes the major decisions. His teachers and employers will like him because he doesn’t make waves, and just does what he’s assigned to do without questioning it.
The fourth son seems to be oblivious to his surroundings and is described in the Haggadah as “not even knowing how to ask.” I find that assessment puzzling. How is it possible that a person of seemingly normal intelligence- nowhere is he referred to as being simple – not have the ability to ask a question – to not react to the hustle and bustle around him? The different foods like matzah and marror, meals cooked in different pots and pans, etc.
I think this “inability to ask” has nothing to do with intellect and everything to do with narcissism.
He has an all-encompassing aloofness. How can he show zero interest in his surroundings – to the point he can’t stir himself to even ask “What’s up with all this?” He is pathologically self-absorbed and detached. The wicked son may be rebellious and disenfranchised, but still emotionally connected albeit in a negative way. His question may be derogatory in nature, but there is still dialogue. But the fourth son is what I call totally parve – he has no association, no involvement, no relationship with his surroundings. Because a narcissist is only interested in himself. Any activity, any party and celebration that doesn’t resolve around him does not illicit a flicker of interest. He will be very difficult to work with or be married to because his “wants” take precedence over every one’s needs. He comes first. He may be chronically critical of the people in his life; his employees, his spouse, and come across as a know-it-all. He will surround himself with ” yes men.” His simple brother is the perfect sibling. A passive follower.
I’m not trained at all in psychology and I’ve simplified the personality traits that define the four sons. But something as simple as how a question is asked – or not asked – can be an indicator of future interactions with individuals and society in general, and whether they are healthy and to be maintained or toxic and to be avoided as much as possible.