Being Kind by Being Mindful

I often go to the matnas – the community center in Ramat Beit Shemesh because it contains a second-hand shop called the Shemesh Shop – which translates to the Sun Shop. This works well because Beit Shemesh means the Home of the Sun. It definitely is very sunny here.

Almost all the clothing, shoes and accessories are donated from the States; many items are new, or very gently worn. I have enhanced my wardroom tremendously since I arrived, spending for example five shekels on brand new designer shoes! One of my “finds” was a new white cap with the words “Be Kind” emblazoned in the front in pink, encased in a pink heart made of tiny rhinestones.

I have been stopped by strangers as I walk who tell me what a great statement that is – Be Kind. I realized that message was what Hillel pointed out to the Roman aristocrat who wanted to learn the entire Torah while standing on one foot. Be kind. Treat others the way you want to be treated, and conversely, don’t treat others the way you wouldn’t want to be. For example, not to be cheated, or taken advantage of, because the other person knows you can’t say “no,” or misled or be lied to, or be physically or emotionally hurt and wounded by someone’s words or actions.

I believe many people are by nature kind, but they chronically lack awareness or mindfulness and hence are unkind, even cruel. They could potentially be labeled as “grossly negligent.” (Luckily that would not be a legal issue.) However, in fact a law class I took in university, (not law school) the professor gave an example of what that meant – an extraordinary lack of mindfulness as to be criminal in nature. He gave an example of a man who dug a huge hole, and walked away after dark. He did not put a fence or protective barrier around it, nor were there lights. The next day, there was a body. A man did not see the pit, and fell in.

What was the man who dug the pit thinking? He actually was NOT thinking. He might have been kind and had good intentions. Maybe he was going to fill it with water and turn it into a swimming hole for kids to jump in. But his lack of being thoughtful had deadly repercussions.

I was on a bus recently, and there are many twists and turns on the route and the drivers don’t wait until passengers are seated. As I grabbed a pole so I wouldn’t go flying, a lady moved her purse off the seat next to her and made room for me. She was being kind. She anticipated that I could get hurt, as many women I have met have, and even ended up in the hospital from falling in the bus. Why did she have to? Because the seats meant for seniors was occupied by a young strapping yeshivish man. He was tall and big and took up two seats and the single one facing those seats, where his outstretched legs were in front.

I’m mentioning that he was frum, because the secular lady who had made room for me launched into a tirade about what she viewed as an entitled dati who studies all day but has no derech eretz. He selfishly sat in the more convenient senior/handicapped seats. It was a chillul Hashem and just reinforced the negative views of the secular towards the frum. Other friends told me of similar experiences. One seat left and a charedi man grabbing it ignoring the older person with packages who was too slow to reach it first. I’m sure these individuals are erlich, decent and truly G-d-fearing, but their lack of awareness, which likely was not deliberate, compromised their spiritual well-being. And those of the people whose physical well- being was undermined.

It is the epitome of unkindness to brag about the cute exploits of your adorable grandchildren to a never married older single, or the anniversary present of a cruise or expensive piece of jewelry you received from your spouse- to a widow or divorcee. Or the upcoming trip to Europe for you tov, to someone who is struggling financially. Those individuals are the usually the nicest, sweetest people. They just are not being thoughtful, not being mindful of their audience. They’d be mortified if they realized how hurtful they were being.

Perhaps what I call “the Mitzvah of Mindfulness” should be taught in our schools, starting from kindergarten all the way through seminary and kollel. I sense that there is an element of arrogance in many students – we are on a higher madreiga – and that leads to a lack of mindfulness and missed opportunities for kindness. Many long-term teachers I’ve spoken to bemoan the deterioration of middos in their students; a lack of consideration -– “we can throw our garbage on the floor; the janitor’s job is to clean it up” – that they didn’t see years ago.

The concept of being kind, which according to the sage, Hillel, is the foundational principle of the Torah, should be instilled in all children, so they can grow to be true Toradik men and women – who ultimately will create homes of shalom bayit, infused with mutual kindness for all members of the household and beyond.