Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

I read your column on Friday, July 31, 2026, about the young woman who prefers a natural, down-to-earth look. While I appreciated many of the points you made, I wanted to offer a different perspective because I see myself in that letter.

I believe my true zivug will value me for who I genuinely am. I don’t think he will be looking for someone who is focused on designer clothing, perfect hair, or makeup. Rather, he’ll appreciate authenticity and simplicity.

Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. It troubles me that some shadchanim encourage girls to dress differently, highlight their hair, wear more makeup, or lose weight in order to be more “marketable.” While physical attraction certainly plays a role in marriage, I believe that personality, chemistry, kindness, emotional maturity, and selflessness are far more important predictors of a successful relationship.

During dating, people can become overly focused on appearances. Yet once a couple is married and raising children, life looks very different. A wife may have tired eyes from being up all night with a baby, no time for manicures or facials, and little opportunity for a perfect blowout. A husband who truly loves his wife should cherish her through every stage of life, not only when she looks her best.

Why are we creating the expectation that everyone should always have perfectly manicured nails, flawless makeup, highlighted hair, and fashionable clothing? Shouldn’t we be encouraging people to look presentable while remaining true to themselves?

Thanks,

A Frustrated Single

Dear Frustrated Single,

Thank you for writing such a thoughtful letter. I suspect many readers found themselves nodding along as they read your words.

I also appreciate the opportunity to clarify something. If my previous response gave the impression that I believe women should change who they are in order to get married, that was certainly not my intention.

You are absolutely correct that a lasting marriage is built on qualities such as kindness, integrity, emotional generosity, shared values, trust, and mutual respect. Those are the traits that carry a couple through life’s inevitable joys and challenges. Designer clothing, perfect makeup, or the latest fashion trends cannot substitute for genuine character.

I also agree that your future husband should love you for who you truly are. If you are naturally drawn to a simple lifestyle, minimal makeup, and comfortable clothing, you should never feel pressured to become someone else just to attract a date. Authenticity is not a weakness; it is one of the greatest gifts you can bring into a marriage.

The point I was hoping to make in my previous column was a bit different. It was not about changing who you are. It was about recognizing that, in today’s shidduch world, a photograph is often the doorway to a conversation. That reality may be frustrating, and I wish it were different, but it is the system many singles are navigating today.

Presenting yourself in the best possible light is not the same as pretending to be someone you are not. We all do this in different areas of life. We dress a little more carefully for an interview than we would to relax at home. We straighten the house before guests arrive. We choose photographs where we look our best. None of those things are dishonest. They simply reflect the importance of the occasion.

Where I completely agree with you is that the message should never become, “You are not enough unless you change your body, your personality, or your style.” That is not only hurtful, but also untrue. No shadchan should make someone feel that her value depends on highlighted hair, expensive clothing, or fitting a narrow standard of beauty.

The truth is that every marriage eventually moves far beyond appearances. Every husband and wife will see one another tired, sick, overwhelmed, aging, and imperfect. What keeps love growing is admiration for the person beneath the surface. Character, warmth, resilience, and friendship become far more important than outward appearance.

So perhaps the healthiest message is this: Stay true to yourself, but don’t be afraid to let your authentic self shine. Be neat, confident, and present yourself in a way that feels genuine to you. If your future husband is looking for a woman who is grounded, sincere, and comfortable in her own skin, then your authenticity is not something to hide, it is exactly what will help him recognize the woman he has been hoping to find.

May Hashem guide you to your zivug at the right time, someone who recognizes both your inner beauty and your authentic self. Hatzlacha.