Dear Dr. Yael

Dear Dr. Yael,

We are Orthodox Jewish grandparents who are very involved in helping our daughter and son-in-law raise their children. Both of them work very hard in demanding, high-level careers, and we are happy to be there for them and for our grandchildren. We love our grandchildren tremendously and feel very fortunate that we are able to help.

At the same time, we have become increasingly aware that we are much more involved in this family’s day-to-day life than we are with our other children and grandchildren. Baruch Hashem, our other children are successfully raising their families, and although we certainly help them when needed, the level of involvement is different.

We have friends who have children who are divorced, and they are much more deeply involved in raising their grandchildren because their children genuinely need that level of support. Seeing their situations has made us think about our own. We sometimes wonder: At what point does helping our children because they are busy become taking on responsibilities that really belong to the parents?

We don’t want our daughter and son-in-law to feel that we are pulling away from them. On the contrary, we want them to know that we are there for them and that they can count on us. At the same time, we don’t want our help to become an expectation or for us to eventually feel overwhelmed or resentful.

We are struggling to find the right balance. How do we establish healthy boundaries while still being loving, supportive grandparents? How much help is reasonable to give when our children have demanding careers? And how can we communicate our limits in a way that doesn’t make them feel judged or guilty?

We love our children and grandchildren dearly and want to do what is best for everyone. We would appreciate any guidance you can offer.

Loving Grandparents

Dear Loving Grandparents,

There is something very touching about your letter. I hear grandparents who are not looking for an excuse to do less, but rather trying to figure out how to love generously without losing the boundaries that keep that generosity healthy.

Your friends whose children are divorced actually provide an interesting perspective. When a child is divorced, grandparents may understandably step in and take on a much greater parenting role because circumstances have changed dramatically. They may help with transportation, homework, meals, bedtime, Shabbos, and countless other things because their grandchildren need additional stability and support. But your situation is different, and that distinction is important.

Your daughter and son-in-law are married, they are parenting their children, and they have demanding careers. They may legitimately need significant help. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, having grandparents who are willing to step in is a tremendous bracha.

It is important to remember that need is not the same thing as entitlement. Just because you are available doesn’t mean you have to be available all the time. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you must do it. And just because you have helped in the past doesn’t mean you have made a lifetime commitment to continue doing it at the same level.

It is also imperative to remember that you are allowed to enjoy being grandparents. You already raised your children. You worked hard, sacrificed, lost sleep, worried, schlepped, cooked, cleaned, disciplined, encouraged, and did all the things parents do. Now you have been given the beautiful opportunity to watch your children become parents themselves.

You should be able to sit at a Shabbos table and enjoy your grandchildren without constantly wondering who needs to be picked up. You should be able to say yes because you want to, not because you are afraid that saying no will disappoint your children. Also, if one of your other children needs you, you don’t have to feel that these children always come first.

Your daughter and son-in-law should have the opportunity to experience themselves as the primary parents of their children. That doesn’t mean that you step back and leave them on their own, rather, it means that your help should strengthen their parenting instead of replacing it.

I would encourage you to sit down with your daughter and son-in-law at a calm time, not when everyone is rushing out the door, and have an honest but loving conversation.

You might say:

“We love you and the children so much, and we are truly happy to help. Being part of your lives is a privilege for us. At the same time, we realize that we have become very involved in the day-to-day running of your family, and we want to make sure that we find a balance that works for everyone. We want to continue being a strong support for you, but we also need to have some boundaries around what we can realistically take on. This isn’t because we don’t want to help. It’s because we want our help to remain something we can give lovingly and without resentment.”

That last part is particularly important as the goal of a boundary isn’t to create distance. The goal is to prevent resentment. If you continually say yes when you really want to say no, eventually your “yes” may come with anger attached to it. You may begin keeping score. You may start thinking, “After everything we do for them…” And once that happens, the help that was originally given out of love can begin to damage the relationship. It is much better to give a genuine yes than a resentful yes.

You also don’t have to make everything equal among your children. Fair doesn’t necessarily mean identical. One child may need more help at one stage of life than another. Perhaps this couple’s demanding careers make additional assistance appropriate right now. That doesn’t mean you have to provide unlimited help, and it doesn’t mean you are treating your other children unfairly.

I would also encourage you not to compare yourselves too closely to your friends who are helping their divorced children. Their circumstances may require them to function almost like additional parents. Your circumstances may call for something different. There is no prize for being the grandparents who do the most.

There is, however, something very special about being grandparents who are present, loving, generous, and emotionally available, without becoming exhausted and resentful.

And please remember that your children will learn something important from watching you establish healthy boundaries. You are teaching them that people can love one another deeply while still recognizing their own limits. You are teaching them that asking for help is appropriate, but that family members are not unlimited resources. And perhaps most importantly, you are showing them that relationships become stronger when people communicate honestly rather than quietly building resentment. Hatzlacha in helping your children with healthy boundaries!